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The Chatterbox
Murphy's Sex Laws..
Posted:Oct 8, 2011 9:13 am
Last Updated:Nov 7, 2011 2:54 pm
24756 Views

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery...unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she's tired - or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. "This won't hurt, I promise.
1 comment
You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...
Posted:Oct 8, 2011 9:11 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 12:34 pm
24576 Views

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye.
1 comment
A named Sex...
Posted:Oct 8, 2011 9:07 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 12:34 pm
24373 Views

Everybody I know who has a usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ...." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
1 comment
Signs of Maturity
Posted:Oct 8, 2011 9:02 am
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2011 5:18 pm
24401 Views

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
0 Comments
Three sisters...
Posted:Oct 4, 2011 10:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 12:34 pm
24343 Views

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest 's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest 's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest , "Why were you screaming last night?" The replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second . "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest . "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
1 comment
Hairspray miracle
Posted:Oct 4, 2011 10:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 12:34 pm
24194 Views

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
0 Comments
Still a virgin
Posted:Oct 4, 2011 10:45 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 12:34 pm
24167 Views

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
0 Comments
Four kinds of sex
Posted:Oct 4, 2011 10:43 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 12:34 pm
24173 Views

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
0 Comments
And Away We Go...........
Posted:Sep 1, 2011 9:57 am
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2011 10:25 am
23218 Views

An 80 yr Old lady was marrying for the 4th time newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living. She smiled & said "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers. She explained” I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go...
0 Comments
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN!
Posted:Sep 1, 2011 9:56 am
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2011 10:26 am
23392 Views

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.

(2) NOTHING: means something & you need to be worried.

(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, do not do it.

(4) WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying screw you.

(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Keep this in mind guys!
1 comment
Little moments in life that bring a smile to your face
Posted:Aug 29, 2011 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2011 10:26 am
23252 Views

A husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little cloud appeared when he shook them out he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear? "She replied "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow"
0 Comments
LET ME TICKLE YOUR FUNNY BONE AND WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
Posted:Aug 25, 2011 12:09 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2011 7:23 am
23667 Views

5000 years ago, Moses said, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
When Welfare was introduced, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China.

Daddy, how was I born? "Well, , Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ~You got Male".

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down her britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food.
The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I
aint niver seed nobody do it".....
A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.
The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.


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