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Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
 
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
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Two beards enter , one beard leaves
Posted:May 30, 2012 5:15 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2012 4:51 pm
59184 Views

Some fool at work has challenged me to a beard off . Obviously this upstart doesn't know I currently stand undefeated , 6-0 (with 2 knockouts) or maybe he's just a courageous fool . Either way he will be destroyed . The power of my beard compels you . I know what you're thinking ;

"But 40 , isn't is bad form to challenge someone to a beard off at this time of year ?"

Indeed it is , very astute . Fall and winter are the traditional beard campaigning seasons but I am not one to back down from a (non-violent) challenge . I'm much like Tom Petty in that regard . Other ways I'm like Tom Petty ;

1. I also traded a Wham-O slingshot for a box of Elvis 45s (although for me it was guns , not records)
2. I also planted a Ogeechee lime tree (but mine died)
3. I also lost a toe in a riot (for real though , not in an episode of the Simpsons - also I may have started said riot so it was maybe deserved)

So I sit before you (metaphorically) clean shaven for the first time in forever (literally) . Its a weird feeling , I feel somehow . . . diminished . But I endure for the sweet ,s sweet victory that will be mine come July .

I'm a fairly non offensive fellow , but I was thinking this morning about a few incidents recently at work where I made someone so mad I thought their head (or heads) might explode .

40Deuce Rage Countdown

#3 One of my boss's minions/stalking victims/my archenemy was bitching me out about something (which was her own fault of course) and running out of steam she turned to personal attacks . She finished up with the very cutting remark

"And your fly is open idiot !"

To which I replied , boobily

"You want to get that for me ?"

RAGE

#2 I was in a meeting (in a long line of pointless meetings) with one of my compatriots who's last name happens to be Moon . In my head I often think of him as "The Moon Man" . After several hours of spirit-sapping power point and bossspeak the query came ;

"Who's going to head up this project ?"

"The Moon Man and I can handle it ." Slipped out .

Even though it wasn't very funny everyone laughed their asses off . The Moon Man was not amused .

Rage

#1 The desk right across the wall from my is used as a revolving door for all the temps who come through our department . Many of them are young ladies , so I get to watch the timeless art of seduction . One fellow in particular had a very interesting technique - yammering on incessantly about Alabama football . One of his favorite moves was showing his "Roll Tide" tattoo on his semi-muscular arm . One day the target of this attention broke down an asked

Wearily "What does Roll Tide even mean ?"

"I'll field this one ," I said "You see the Alabama school nickname is the Crimson Tide which is a reference of menstrual blood . Aren't you glad that there's a university out there that's so excited about menstruation ."

Super rage

I thought about titling this post "Alabama Moon Zipper" which I think should be the name of some revolting sex act .

"Dude , what happened last night bro ?"

"Bro , it was epic , I totally gave that slut the Alabama Moon Zipper dude !"

In other news I'm throwing away all my underwear with holes it in - there's more than I thought . Usually along the seam of that stupid flap in the front . My junk must be more thunderous than I thought . I hate that damn flap - who's idea was that ? You know who uses that for anything ? No one . Ever . Ever . Maybe OCCASIONALLY your girlfriend (or whoever's molesting you) uses it for cock access but only if you're wearing boxers . Maybe . Stupid flap .

In other other news I found the Battle of Blackwater on Game of Thrones pretty disappointing - there were some major freak out plot twists , but the battle itself was pretty lame . I still maintain they don't have much of a budget (or they don't save it for later in the season) . Now I have to decide if I want to keep HBO after that and VEEP are done for the season .

Decisions decisions .
3 Comments
Check out these nipples mother fuckers !
Posted:May 29, 2012 4:43 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2012 4:43 pm
59670 Views

I rarely take off my shirt in public (because of obvious reasons) . I rarely swear in real life (because I'm a hypocrite) . But this weekend I did both at a friend's barbecue . One of my friend's wives bent down to pick up her stupid baby and had a nip slip - too much hooting and hollering . She was not the kind of lady to laugh this kind of thing off , she's more the die of embarrassment type . So of course I did the only thing that a courtesy fellow like myself did - threw my shirt off and gave them something else to look at . And they say chivalry is dead .

The good news is at said barbecue I realized that men and women are exactly the same in every way . I've always thought the only real difference between men and women (I say men first because I'm a misogynist) was that women have "friends" that they hate and men don't . But sitting there , checking out the crowd , shoving ribs into my face like a metaphor , I realized that a lot of these people - whom I talk to and hang out with regularly , I don't like at all . By any empirical measure we're "friends" but some of them I don't care for and some of them I truly dislike . So there you have it , men = women . All supposed difference are illusionary . Let it be known .

Something else I learned this weekend - Dr. Pepper 10 ? Gross as hell .

In other news I purchased the first season of Breaking Bad on the DVD - I heard its pretty good and I need something to break up the monotony . On said DVD package there was a sticker that brightly proclaimed ;

"As seen on AMC ! Filled with extra adult content !"

Which I found odd .

In other other news I baked the most delicious pie in the world and brought into work for my loser co-workers I hate . One of the supervisors came down looking for pie after it was all gone and I was heard to remark ;

"Too late hot plate ."

Because rhyming is cool . She got really offended because she thought I was calling her fat . Is she crazy or is hot plate some kind of fat racial slur . Also for the record if I'm calling you fat (which I would never do) you'd know it fatso .

I spend many an hour wondering why I love big boobs (and butts , although unlike Sir Mix-A-Lot I can still lie) . The most popular theory which has always skeeved me out , is that it has to do with memories of breast feeding . Thankfully there's a new theory which is less disgusting .

It has to do with our ancestors preferring face-to-face sex . The humble "missionary position" has the unfair reputation of being the boring option for couples too tired to try anything too crazy . But out in the animal kingdom , that position is crazy - face-to-face sex is something of a revelation for mammals . Our ape ancestors preferred a much less frontal method . But the pair bonding that occurs when couples look each other in the eye while doin' it is beneficial enough to humanity that evolution favored people who had face-first sex .

In The Naked Ape , British zoologist and ethologist Desmond Morris proposed that the social benefits to our ancestors who liked missionary-style sex were great enough that evolution favored frontal features that mirrored the backside . Namely , giant breasts that mimic the bulbous buttocks of our great-to-the-power-of-500 grandmas . As Desmond put it ;

"The protuberant , hemispherical breasts of the female must surely be copies of the fleshy buttocks , and the sharply defined red lips around the mouth must be copies of the red labia ."

Of course , Desmond , they must be . And that means that big breasts exist purely to compel attention . In other words , evolution masterminded the single most successful advertising campaign in world history .

The bad news is there's apparently also a good reason for something else I don't care for at all - swallowing .

The nice thing about oral sex is all of it . No one gets pregnant , people who are virgins can pretend they're still virgins when they do it and according to the '90s , it doesn't technically count as sexual relations . Win-win-WIN . So it's easy to see why humans and animals and all things with genitals engage in oral sex in the first place . What's not so obvious is the evolutionary value of the act . It doesn't pass on the genes . And what do women get out of going downtown , other than an occasional free pass later on in the month ?

If Dr. Gustaaf Dekker (sounds like a perv) is to be believed , she gets the benefit of safer future pregnancies but only if she swallows .

Among other things , there are unique proteins in every man's sperm , and the more "familiar" a woman is with her partner's semen , the more likely her uterus is to accept it when it's time to procreate . And according to science , or this scientist , anyway , the very best way to get familiar with your future mate's manseed is to digest it .

Dekker also found that pregnant women who swallow were less likely to have preeclampsia , a condition where the woman's immune system rejects her own placenta , presumably because she's less likely to recognize the fetus as a foreigner . Dekker puts it this way ;

"If there's repeated exposure to that signal then eventually when the woman conceives , her cells will say , 'We know that guy, he's been around a long time , we'll allow the pregnancy to continue .'"

And in my mind anyway , also ; "He got a good job ? He law abidin' ? He better be ."

Good thing I'm also anti-pregnancy because I don't care what anyone says swallowing it gross . Not that I'm judging . Freak .
6 Comments
Let he who is not wearing a Franz Ferdinand shirt cast the first stone
Posted:May 26, 2012 7:56 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2012 8:02 am
61485 Views
There's going to be a Hatfield and McCoy's miniseries on the History Channel (looks pretty good to me) and on the promotions of said series they're playing the song "Bartholomew" by the Silent Comedy which is a kick ass song from a pretty solid album (Common Faults). So now we're all up to speed . Yesterday at work dude #1 asked dude #2 if he know what that song was . And dude #2 was heard to say

"That bluegrass sounding one ?"

And with all the contempt and derision a 20 year old can muster dude #1 retorted "NO its not bluegrass its REAL music ."

This from a man wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt . I was so offended I didn't even tell them the name of of the song (who am I kidding , I wouldn't have told them anyway) . I'm not a huge bluegrass fan , but I do like a little bluegrass ever now and then . Or at least I think I do - people never seem to be able to decide on music genres . I'm not sure why its important but to some people it is - REALLY important . Two of my oldest chums are music snobs (they both used to be radio DJs) and hearing them argue about exactly what kind of music a particular artist belongs to is about as boring as it gets in this life .

Anyway , the point is I'm not judging anyone but if you don't think bluegrass is music you're a dumb person and I don't like you .

Point #2

There's been a lot of bad blood around this place lately , so I'd just like to take a moment to tell you all that I love you . Not in the way that a man loves a woman (or sometimes another man) but more in the way that a gorilla loves a kitty .



Point #3

My exs have a laundry list of reasons why I'm a terrible person and should be castrated immediately , but I think the #1 reason on the list they have of my most annoying attributes is that I don't argue . "Agree to disagree" that's my motto (after "ladies drink free" and "if you don't to see my balls YOU look away") . I was reminded of this the other day when I was chatting with a comely lass around these parts . She mentioned the recent kerfuffle about sister sites and whatnot and was interested in soliciting my opinion . I deferred at first , but she persisted and eventually I caved in (as I always do) and expressed my controversial views on the matter ;

I don't really care

She didn't like that .

Not

One

Bit


So she was all ready to go a few rounds about it , but I declined . She didn't care for that much either (I still think I have a chance - yea delusion !) . Why don't I argue ?

Think about the last time you ran into a coworker or family member spouting some easily disproven conspiracy theory - somebody who still thinks Obama's birth certificate is a fake or that Dick Cheney arranged 9/11 to cover up his theft of $2.3 trillion from the government . When they were shown proof that their conspiracy theory was wrong , did they back down ? Did they get this look of realization on their face and say , "Wow , if this is untrue , then maybe the other 'facts' upon which I've based my fringe beliefs also aren't true . Thank you, kind stranger , for helping me rethink my entire political philosophy !"

That has literally never happened in the history of human conversation . Whether it's a politician whose point has been refuted or a conspiracy theorist who has been definitively proven insane , they will immediately shift to the next talking point or conspiracy theory that backs up their side , not even skipping a beat . They keep fighting to defend their position even after it is factually shown to be untrue . But what's really weird is that process of sticking to your guns even after you've been proven definitively wrong is apparently the entire reason humans invented arguing.

"OK , so Dick Cheney doesn't have a third arm . He might still be capable of spitting acid ."

It's called the argumentative theory of reasoning , and it says that humans didn't learn to ask questions and offer answers in order to find universal truths . We did it as a way to gain authority over others . That's right they think that reason itself evolved to help us bully people into getting what we want. Here's how a proponent puts it :

"'Reasoning doesn't have this function of helping us to get better beliefs and make better decisions' said Hugo Mercier, who is a co-author of the journal article , with Dan Sperber. 'It was a purely social phenomenon . It evolved to help us convince others and to be careful when others try to convince us .' Truth and accuracy were beside the point ."

And as evidence , the researchers point out that after thousands of years of humans sitting around campfires and arguing about issues , these glaring flaws in our logic still exist . Why hasn't evolution weeded them out ? The answer , they say , is that these cognitive flaws are adaptations to a system that's working perfectly fine , thank you. Our evolutionary compulsion is to triumph , even if it means being totally , illogically, proudly wrong .

"Check it out , you guys , Carl has something called 'Loose Change' loaded up on his iPhone ."

Yes , , being a dick works.

So During Your Next Argument, Remember ;

You do this , too . If you're a human being , you're from a long line of people who got to the winner's circle again and again by ignoring facts in favor of advancing your side . So , the next time you find yourself desperately Googling for some factual example that proves your argument is right , and failing to find even one , stop . See if you can put the brakes on and actually say , out loud , "Wait a second . If the things I'm saying in order to bolster my argument are consistently wrong , then maybe my argument is also wrong ."

"But if President Obama isn't a serial killer , what does my life mean ?"

It's going to be harder than you think . Back when evolution was still sculpting your ancestor's brains , admitting you were wrong to the person you were debating got you bred out of existence . These days , being able to admit you're wrong is the greatest skill you can develop if you want to stay married .

Next topic

I was happy when I had 0 watchers . I was happy when I had 3 watchers . But I am sick of having 38 watchers . I've been on 38 for months now . Either bump it up to 73 or go away . As we all know the best number is 73 . 73 is the 21st prime number . Its mirror 37 is the 12th and its mirror 21 is the product of multiplying 7 and 3 . In binary , 73 is a palindrome , 1001001 which backwards is 1001001 .

Final topic

I've been to college , and I know how funny it is for guys to draw dicks on other guys' foreheads , or to make snow dicks in winter , or to sculpt mashed potato dicks in the cafeteria . Which is zero . But don't tell that to the people of Kawasaki , Japan , where the Kanamara Matsuri festival is basically a dicktacular penis celebration , featuring dongs , with a special guest appearance by Boner McWiener .

For many people who are just visiting , this all may come as a bit of a shock , but it's actually very reasonable once you hear the back story . The legend goes that a long time ago , a sharp-toothed demon crawled inside a woman's vagina and castrated her husband . Understandably very pissed off , the couple sought out a blacksmith to make a large iron penis with which they would trick the demon and break his teeth . See ? You people judge Japan for what they do , but when you hear their reasons , they always make perfect sense .

Anyway , the mythical iron penis is now paraded around every April alongside another giant pink dong , and the people of Kawasaki enjoy their festival of dicks . However , while it is still mostly a religious festival celebrating fertility and STD-free prostitutes , today the festival helps raise money for HIV research , and the tourists' fascination with this festival only helps to raise more .

End of blog
8 Comments
Penis will touch vagina in an exciting way
Posted:May 24, 2012 4:16 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2012 9:41 am
59120 Views

I have to tip my hat to that particular fortune , that's a pretty bold statement from a cookie . For a second after I read it I thought I had had a stroke but there it was - plain as day . The awesome part was I was at dinner with my sister and parents .

"What does your fortune say ?" They cried eagerly

"A smiling Frenchman is no Frenchman at all ." I said lyingly

It got me to wondering - are the fortunes in fortune cookies actually written by someone or does a computer just spit them out ? I have to assume this came from a person - probably a really bored person . Or possibly a person who learned they were being laid off . The last bit was a nice touch , I will say that .

Penis will touch vagina

YAWN

In an exciting way

BOO-YAH !

Although it does seem at least somewhat sexist - does the penis touch the vagina , or do they touch each other ? Think about that . Think about it hard .

Today when I was heading the gym at lunch one of the few co-workers I actually like was leaving and she remarked to me "I don't know why you're so heavy , I never see you eat anything ."

Ouch . Also I have this thing where I hate eating in front of strangers . I don't really like eating in front of anyone really . Its gross . Grinding up bits of plants and animals with your teeth , secreting saliva to force it down your esophagus into a pit of digestive acids . You can't even stand to think about it yourself . What a repulsive creature we are ! Constantly shedding our skin and hair , leaving our oily sweat on everything we touch . We think that we are the height of intellect in the universe , but we are no better than any filthy animal and I am ashamed to be made in your image !

Ahem , sorry , got sidetracked there . Also if anyone knows where that speech comes from you are the huge nerd .

The other thing I did today was go to a funeral for the first time in my adult life . Both my grandpas died when I was too young to really remember them , but I have a long time friend who's grandpa I got to know really well over the years . He had a stroke last year and lost a lot of his capacities and passed away on Tuesday . He was a funny old guy . My friend and I used to go visit him and help him out around the house more or less weekly and one of his favorite things to do was check his e-mail while we were working on something . I never really knew if he was pretending not to know what spam was or if he really didn't know but either way it always made me laugh .

"It says here 'are you a milf hunter' what's a milf hunter ?"

"Its spam grandpa , delete it ."

"But it must be from someone I know , how else could I get it ? I better open it , what the heck is a milf hunter ?"

"Its spam grandpa , don't click on it ."

"Oh man , these women don't have any CLOTHES on ! What the heck ?!"

I'm pretty sure it was a bit but if so he was so committed to it it made me wonder . Whenever he was doing that I always thought of him as the REAL dirty old bastard . I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven , but for the first time I really hope its real .

Anyway , I always like to put something useful in my posts so here goes ;

Most of us like to think we'd make it through many life-threatening situations just fine . After all , you've seen the Discovery channel , you've watched disaster movies and you've got a good logical head on our shoulders . You should be just fine , right ?

But that's like thinking you'll be good in a fight because you've watched a Jackie Chan movie ; whatever "techniques" you think you've learned are more likely to get your dumb ass killed .

Didn't you once hear you can get water from a cactus ? Let's try that .

You lop off the top of the nearest cactus to find not aqua , but mushy green innards . Well , that's gross. But that's just like nature , isn't it ? Always fuckin' you when you're already properly fucked . Ah well , you must be able to squeeze some liquid out of that , right? You do so , gratefully downing the putrid , life-saving fluid aaaaand that's when the vomiting and diarrhea begin !

See , the alkaloid-rich mash inside cacti only makes you sick , thus dehydrating you even faster . If you really need water , you could consider constructing a solar still which collects water using controlled evaporation and the sun to pull moisture from the ground and ; aw, hell, who are we kidding ? You're dead and a half by now . The best you can hope to do is leave a hilarious corpse . Try to die giving the double bird ; archaeologists finding your corpse in the future will probably get a laugh out of that .
5 Comments
Judging a blowjob contest is harder than it sounds
Posted:May 20, 2012 3:41 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2012 5:58 pm
59429 Views

Ha ! You fell for the old bait and switch - this has nothing to do with blowjob contests . My original thought for the title was "Fatman and the Fatman" but I didn't think a Jake and the Fatman reference would be appreciated (or recognized)

Here's a good way to ruin your afternoon . Go on the Internet and find any discussion thread that brings up overweight people (like me). Stand back and watch as a crowd absolutely rants about how incredibly easy it is to lose weight , and how incredibly lazy you have to be to get fat . The conclusion will be that being fat is literally a moral failing and the sign of a bad , disgusting human being . It's to the point of actual anger and violence directed toward the overweight in real life - the fat are one of the last groups people can openly hate .

In at least four states, we can legally hunt fatsos .

But now take any of those people and try using the same logic with their weaknesses :

"You're struggling to get by on your income ? I can't imagine how lazy a person would have to be to not be wealthy . Just go out there and make money ! Duh !"

"You don't have a girlfriend ? I can't imagine how much of an antisocial dick you have to be to not get a beautiful woman to love you . How hard is it to get off your ass and be a dynamic, sexy , personable human being ?"

"Seriously dude , just stop having a micropenis ."

"You drink alcohol ? Or smoke cigarettes ? Or smoke pot ? Why don't you try not doing those things ?"

"You suffer from depression or anxiety ? Uh , have you tried not ?"

As Iceman's mom so famously declared in X2 X-Men United (which was an okay movie) "Have you tried not being a mutant ?"

Now watch as they rattle off ten thousand extenuating circumstances for their embarrassing problem (the economy is bad , women are bitches , I have an addiction) while completely rejecting all of the similar causes of obesity.

"My compulsive , life-shortening habit is completely different from overeating . Namely , it's much sexier ."

It's called the fundamental attribution error .

It's a universal thought process that says when other people screw up , it's because they're stupid or evil . But when we screw up , it's totally circumstantial . Like if you notice a coworker showing up to work high on mescaline , it's because he's an out-of-control peyote hound . But if you show up at work high on mescaline , it's because you had a flat tire and you needed the distraction .

The process feels so obvious when explained - we simply lack information about the context in which the other person screwed up , and so we fill it in with our own . If we've never been fat , then we assume the fat guy feels the exact same level of hunger as we do , that his metabolism is the same , that his upbringing is the same , that the spare time and energy he can devote to exercise is the same as ours . We think that both of us faced the exact same fork in the road and only one of us chose to eat churros .

About 40 of those a week for two years are all that separate you from that guy who had to be airlifted out of his living room .

The reality is , of course , that you were on completely different roads . The assumption that everyone's circumstances are identical is so plainly wrong as to be borderline insane , but everyone does it . Pundits and politicians alike mock the unemployed as lazy , even though their own data shows that for every five unemployed people , there is only one open job . "I don't understand , can't you all just become radio talk show hosts like me ?"

So During Your Next Argument , Remember ;

Forget about talking politics with your crazy shop teacher for a second . If you're consistently doing this when arguing with your significant other , that's a good sign that the relationship is dying . Listen for it - when you forgot to do the dishes , it was because you had a thousand other things on your mind . When she forgot , it's because she doesn't care . If you find yourself automatically dismissing your partner's explanations as "excuses" you've gone to a bad place from which most relationships do not return .

Anyway , I'm off to judge a blowjob contest - here's hoping that for once a blowjob contest will be judged fairly in this corrupt blowjob judging system that's become so rampant these days .
5 Comments
Seriously what's with the Korean ?
Posted:May 20, 2012 9:07 am
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:44 pm
59445 Views

I got another angry message from Men.Date - Gay Dating telling me I need to change the name of my blog and part of it was in Korean again - is anyone else having this happen ?

Last night one of my friend's wives said to me "Hey 40 , I'm thinking about getting a boob job , what are you thoughts on that ?"

I advocated in the negative because they're Catholic and therefore have hundreds of and therefore are poor as hell and therefore probably have better things to spend their money on . Also she said a lot of people have their boobage enhanced in Canada - what's the deal with that ? I'm not a fan of fake breasts myself - I like to see the boobies flopping around when I'm "on the job" as people say . People say that right ?

But I don't really care if someone gets implants . The question is if that doesn't bother me why do I think someone who had penis enhancement is a freak of nature ? Doesn't seem fair .

I got home last night in time to see the OKC Thunder defeat the hated LA Lakers and during the commercials I was flipping over to Skinemax . I've said it before and I'll say it again - softcore porn has to be the weirdest job in the world . Alright , get naked and then get as CLOSE as you can to having sex but DON'T actually have sex - but pretend like you are . It takes a special kind of person to do that job . Also I always thought that softcore porn chicks were better looking than some of the skeevy looking "women" you see in hardcore porn . I was disabused of that notion last night .

I had a childhood friend who's mom used to watch softcore porn all the time . It was weird as hell . I remember on more than one occasion trying to sneak back into his house in the wee hours of the night and she'd be in her robe standing in the kitchen watching softcore porn on a little black and white TV . Which kind of sounds like the opening scene of a porn itself . Also I feel like a got ripped off - wasn't everyone supposed to have a friend with a hot mom they lusted after as teens ? I didn't get any of that . Not at all . At all .

There are literally tons (think about how that's possible) of superheroes that have fallen into the public domain . Such mighty heroes as the Fighting Yank , Doc Strange (not to be confused with Doctor Strange) Spy Smasher , Black Terror , and Black Cat (not be confused with THE Black Cat) . So I thought there would probably be some pretty cool stuff people were making using them . Nope , all erotic fan fiction . Now I know exactly what it would look like when Bulletman and Bulletgirl went at it (thank God) . Not to judge (but I'm about to) but what kind of person uses their art powers for that ? As a longtime comic nerd and someone who can't draw a stick figure to save their life I just don't get it . As a I remember being super pissed when my sister (who's an excellent artists) wouldn't help me make comics .

A while back I did a review of my first blog post , and since everyone agreed that was pretty douchey I now continue with a review of my second blog post .

Good grief more Satan's boners

It starts off pretty well - I'm talking about how I was chatting with a lady who was a member of the Church of Satan (which I had forgotten about and makes me giggle) but then it takes a pretty dark turn ;

"Hope is terrible - perhaps the worst thing in the world . It makes you think things will get better - and they won't . That's a fact . No one in the world ever gets what they want , everybody dies frustrated and sad ."

What kind of emo nonsense is that ? Sure its basically what I still believe , but come on man - you're never going to get laid with that kind of attitude .

Then I talk about how I got a message from a gay guy - I did that a lot back then . It really freaked me out . Not because I'm big homophobe (just a small one) but the concept of being attractive to a gay guy just never made sense to me .

Then I go to the mailbag , which is still my go-to move when I don't have anything to talk about . That part is kind of funny . I did coin a new term that I'm shocked didn't catch on ;

milfbrisrss (mom I'd like to fuck but really I should report to social services)

Overall I'd give it a B- , it had a good sound but you can't dance to it .
4 Comments
Masterbating until Christmas (aka Queen Penelope AFK) [aka the least interesting blog in the world]
Posted:May 19, 2012 8:47 am
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2013 12:21 am
58989 Views

I know what you're saying to yourself "What's this , I thought 40 wasn't blogging because he was playing Diablo obsessively like loser . I wonder why he's a fat smelly liar ."

I'll get to that in a minute , but because I don't want you to have clicked on this totally for nothing here's a few quick hits .

Since I have received a sternly worded e-mail from the Men.Date - Gay Dating gods about stealing other people's blog name (part of which was in Korean for some reason) I'm thinking about changing to A Conspicuous Cornucopia of Concupiscence‏ . Somehow I want to wedge another C-word in there .

In my office we pretty much speaking entirely in acronyms - which is kind of annoying . One of our new partners is Commercial Loan Insurance Title‏ .

"When did we do the last LPIE MANC ANAL on CLIT ?"

It's no secret to anyone who knows me or reads this blog that music is completely responsible for the way I speak . I looked at and accepted the "establishment's" vocabulary , sure , but I knew there were other ways to express myself . So I let music , and all of the words invented by rappers , augment my personal vocabulary . I have a little something called street cred you see - or skred as its known . Where did the K come from ? I leave that up to god .

In the world , danger lurks around every corner . It's a scary life full of thieves , drug dealers , crooked cops and other nefarious characters up to no good . Obviously , one must protect oneself (including one's neck) from these types of ruthless villains , which is why many rappers carry around guns (or claim to carry around guns or surround themselves with armed bodyguards) Obviously they couldn't legally carry around guns so they'd in code , referring to guns as "biscuits".

In the Outkast song "Red Velvet," from their 2000 album Stankonia , rapper Big Boi very clearly refers to his gun as a biscuit . He warns his opponents that , while they might have bodyguards , he lets his n-word "tote the biscuit". He goes on to explain that the biscuit will get blood on your hat and leave you slumped in your Cadillac . A biscuit can kill you , and the biscuit is obviously a gun.

In the first verse of the Eminem and Dr. Dre hit "Guilty Conscience," Dre and Em play the good and evil halves of the conscience of a man who is considering robbing a liquor store. Eminem , irrepressible rogue that he is , encourages the man to rob , while Dre , always the voice of reason (he kicked the shit out of Dee Barnes and her for good measure) advises the man to "drop the biscuit" as "it's not worth it to risk it". The man agrees (thank goodness!) and abandons his scheme. Contextually speaking , it would be absurd to assume Dr. Dre was referring to an actual biscuit , or anything other than a gun.

Clearly "biscuit as gun" bounced around in the world for a while , but it never quite broke into the mainstream (there's no scene in any movie where a stern police chief orders his brave but reckless cadet to "hand in his badge and standard issue police biscuit" [except for the movie I'm writing currently]). "Gat" and "piece" both caught on as gun slang, but "biscuit" never made the cut . As is often the case with rappers , the problem is that folks in the community weren't communicating with each other , and as a result , wires got crossed . While some artists were working hard trying to push the whole "biscuit is slang for gun" angle , a few others had an agenda to make "biscuit" a synonym for "attractive lady" (fourth definition down on urban dictionary I think)

Obviously , this leads to confusion . It's why I've always said that lack of communication is one of the biggest problems in (after all of those other much bigger problems).

When Wu-Tang Clan's Inspectah Deck assures me that he rolls "with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits" does he mean that I should fear the firepower that his associates carry , or be envious of all of the attractive women they've managed to acquire ? I live every day of my life assuming I'm going to run into Inspectah Deck , and I'm still not sure if I should run from him or ask if I can be one of his ghetto bastards .

"Bring Da Ruckus," the song from which that lyric springs , is conspicuously vague about this . Inspectah brings up the fact that his buddies are just straight loaded with biscuits , and then he quickly switches gears and describes his method on the microphone (it's bangin'.

And that's why we , as a society , will never adopt "biscuit" as slang for "gun". The industry just couldn't get its act together long enough to agree on a definition.

(Also it's kind of stupid)

Now for the dumb part - stop reading now unless you want an excessively detailed reason why Diablo III sucks (but is awesome)

If given a choice between going back and living in the year 1982 and sitting in a chair made of living dicks , most of us would choose the dicks . After all , back then you had almost zero control over your entertainment - you watched shows and movies when they wanted you to. (This was even before everybody had VCRs - if you missed it live you missed it forever) All technological progress since then has been devoted to letting us watch shows or movies when we want . Video games , however, are going the opposite direction .

For a prime example , let's take the just-released Diablo III .

I haven't been excited about a video game in a long , long time . It's not because I've hit some magical stage of adulthood that makes me hate fun things (entirely) or that I'm so busy that I can't find time for simple entertainment . Give me a good enough game , and I'll make time for it . Give me something spectacular , and I'll call in sick for it . Give me something I've waited 12 years for , and I'll burn down my grandma's house for a copy .

The smoldering charcoal on my grandma's scorched lawn means that Diablo III came out two days ago . Unfortunately for her , I didn't realize until later that arson in no way affects the game's availability . Especially since you can just download it directly from their website instead of camping out in front of the store on opening day . So I did:

I just bought something in my underwear and didn't have to go to court afterward!

I filled out the information and downloaded their installer . Then I moved it to the upper right hand corner of my screen so it would look like my desktop wallpaper was licking it out of pure joy .

I did this for about an hour, pausing every couple of minutes to weep softly into my hands , until the game was fully downloaded and installed . So far , so good ;

"Ready to Play Your Single-Player Game Alone ? Please Log In ."

When that bar turned green and the "Play" button lit up , my dong rose like 20 tiny Amish guys were pulling on it with ropes . I clicked "play" and then "I agree" on not one , but three "User Agreement" screens . That's when the first smoke alarm went off in my head .

Wait , I have to sign a contract to play the game that I just paid for ? Do I need to get a lawyer ? Can I do something in the game that could get me into legal trouble ? I mean, I don't plan on playing public games or anything - just me in my computer room , killing evil and screaming curse words until I lose my voice .

But I convinced myself it was nothing to get worked up about . It's just there to save their asses in case some random jackoff finds a way to make money off of them via lawsuit . Fine . I got through them all and was immediately taken to a screen that pulled the alarms from the back of my mind directly to the front , and cranked up the volume to "nuclear attack" levels .

A login screen . It's commonly associated with multiplayer online games like World of Warcraft and . . . . whatever other multiplayer games exist . Except there's a problem: Diablo III isn't a traditional MMO . You don't sign in to the game and immediately find yourself surrounded by a hundred other players shouting racial and homophobic slurs . You are in your own world. By yourself . Single player .

It is a single-player game with multiplayer options , just like all the other Diablo games . If you choose to play with your friends , you can . If you choose to join public games , you can. Otherwise , you're on your own - and contrary to what MMO fanatics believe , this is the way millions of gamers prefer it.

But for the second time , I had to take a breath and remind myself that it's nothing to get worked up about . We've been fucking the gaming industry since the very first video game was invented . They put up with piracy for decades , and so far nothing has worked to stop it . This is just what they've come to , and if signing in to their servers helps prevent theft , then I'm all for it . The more money they make , the more resources they have to put back into expansions and content . Fine .

"Now Customize Your Single-Player Character as You Please ... Wait, Not Like That."

I logged in and created my first character: a demon hunter named Captain Asshumper Assy McAssass (in honor of my grandpappy and his insatiable butt lust)

"That name contains restricted or offensive words"

Oh , come on ! Really ? You can't give me the option to name them whatever I want and then just ban me from entering public games ? You can't give me the freedom to make a mage named Assfuck Cockthrob on the game that I never plan on playing with other people as long as I live ?

OK , it's not the end of the world , but making computers utter profanities against their will is the reason I got into video games in the first place . In the Reagan era I played arcade games purely so I could get the high score and enter my initials on the leaderboard as "ASS" I replayed an entire RPG because I knew that there was one specific point where the female love interest would have to say the line, "Father, I want you to meet my new boyfriend , CUNTBLASTER". How have the decades resulted in less freedom to be childish ?

OK , so I decided that I wasn't going to bitch about it . They're clearly trying to prevent piracy while masking it with a "social" setting that's barely there in the first place . I've been giving this game a liberal amount of leeway , and if it's as good as they say , then it's a necessary evil that I'm willing to live with . Even though I have so few friends , I never have to worry about accidentally exposing my perverted , juvenile name to the guys who absolutely expect that sort of thing from me ... and who do it themselves .

The more I played , the more I realized that my cynicism was for nothing . I was just being a whiny , complaining about change . The game is impossibly fun , and if all I had to do was succumb to a simple social network , then I was -

"Sorry, You Can't Play Your Single-Player Game Because Our Computer Is Broken."

Wait , what ? Why is my screen going black ? Is it some surprise cut scene ? Maybe some Easter egg that triggers when you laugh at gravestones ? I tensed in anticipation .

Nope , I got booted back to the start menu . Well , shit . No biggie - that happens from time to time when you're playing something that's hosted on a remote server . I'll just sign back in and pick up where I left off .

I sighed , clicked the "OK" button and attempted to sign in six more times . This is also common with disconnects , and I tried to cool my slowly heating blood by reminding myself that when you get booted , your character is still active on their servers until their software recognizes that you're no longer connected and kicks you out on their end . A mousy voice in the back of my head started whispering a soft chant of "Single-player game ." I signed in for the seventh time .

Server outage

Oh . Well , that's ... really ? I mean , I understand why it's happening . It's launch day for a game that's being hosted on a set of servers designed to handle a certain load of players. After the initial rush of people settles down , there won't be nearly as many people playing the game at the same time . So it's not smart to buy enough servers to handle the entire player base all at once because you'd only need those for the first week . You set up enough to handle your average load so that when things do settle into a rhythm , you don't have a bunch of useless, idle machines sitting around , collecting dust and wasting money .

"For your single-player game that has no offline option". No , stupid voice ! Stop that ! Let's just exit the game and go in from scratch . Sometimes , it's just a simple bug that's fixed by going in fresh .

Server exploded

MOTHERFUCKER ! This is bullshit ! I just paid 64 goddamn dollars for a game that - No . You can't let the game turn you into that screaming sack of shit type of personality that permeates the Internet . You hate that person , and you won't become it .

"Sorry , You Can't Play Your Game Right Now . Somebody Else's Game Is Broken ."

I looked back at my Diablo III screen and burst into hysterical , borderline-insane laughter .

Their brand new game, totally unrelated in any way to their other established games (WoW and StarCraft I had destroyed the ability for any of their players to play any of their games . Because they all required a login to play , and that login server was directly connected to their system . So when one game crashes the server , even if you don't play it , your other completely separate game is fucked .

I had to see the player backlash for this . It was going to be awesome . So I pulled up the main site for Diablo III , and went into their forums . Or at least that was the intention.

Forums exploded

At this point , I was 100 percent certain that if I decided to make a sandwich , my refrigerator would be replaced by floating text that read, "We're sorry for the inconvenience . Diablo III has encountered an error that temporarily removed all electrical appliances from your house . Please check back in a few minutes".

The only place left to find out any information . And I couldn't imagine being the poor bastard who had to deal with that shitstorm:

Informing people that the situation was being looked into , and that they had no idea when the servers would be back up . Trying to reassure people that they "hope it'll only be down for a few minutes" followed by a time stamp of "53m" Finding new and creative ways to say, "We have no idea, and we're sick of answering your stupid fucking questions" and make it sound professional .

When their site did come back online an hour later , it was a good sign , because it showed that at least some of their servers were now working . I tried to sign in again:

And again ...

And again ...

The whispering voice in my head was growing louder by the second . "Yep it's got the option to play multiplayer . Option . As in 'You can choose to do this if you please' Just like virtually every other modern game in existence . It's a single motherfucking player game. Give in and just explode . You know you want to explode"

"We Thank You for Your Patience . Also , This Is the Future of Gaming , Fucker"

I went back to their site and looked through what Blizzard fans refer to as "Blue Posts" which are messages left by administrators of the forums . People who are directly connected to Blizzard , and have information before anyone else . Their posts are written in bright blue to separate them out from all the others:

"If you're playing a demon hunter and you give the shield to your templar , blah , blah , blah entire world ruined ."

No ! God Damn , that's enough . We as consumers have gotten to the point that we just accept this bullshit as "normal launch-day bugs" when it should have never gotten to this point in the first place . I read through those forums , and you wouldn't believe the number of people defending Blizzard through this whole ordeal . Throwing out arguments like "It's going to happen . You can't expect the servers to handle that many people logging on all at once". And "Every MMO in existence has these problems on launch day".

And nobody is getting the core point: The single-player version of this game should have never been hosted on a remote server to begin with . I and millions of other people bought this game because we love the Diablo franchise , and we have been waiting for 12 years to jump back in and throw fireballs at evil . There is an absolutely enormous amount of us out there who couldn't give two flying fucks about an auction house or a chatroom or even the ability to play the game with our friends . We just want to play the goddamn thing .

We handed Blizzard 64 dollars and said , "I would like to be a demon hunter named Asshumper , please" And in return , they took our money first and responded second , "No , that name doesn't quite sit with us . Take out the cursing , and you can play . Well , for an hour or so , that is . Maybe . We'll see how it goes".

Sixty-four dollars is as much as some people make in an entire day . For them , handing that over to play a video game is not a minor event . All they want in return is to use the product they just fucking paid for . If any other company in the world sold you a product that didn't work , and then refused to hand over some sort of compensation in return , you wouldn't even need a lawyer . The judge would tell them straight up "Give them a working product , or give them their money back , or go to fucking jail" But for whatever reason , the video game industry gets away with this now ? Every time they have a problem with their servers , I can't play the game I already bought ? In an era when people carry their entire music library around with them on their phones , I have less ownership and control of my video games than I had in 1979 ?

And make no mistake , we have every right to bitch . We don't want to hear condescending assholes telling us , "Calm down. It's just a game . Be patient". It's not just a game. It's the principle: We paid for it . We get to decide when to play it .

But ranting aside , the game came back up three hours later , and I had the time of my life with it . It's seriously one of the best games I've played in years - not even Skyrim got me excited about gaming the way Diablo III has . It's just too bad that the model we've had to resort to in order to prevent piracy is exactly the model that's killing the genre of PC gaming . Oh , wait , did I say just "PC gaming" ? I meant all video games .
6 Comments
I bid you a fond cowabunga
Posted:May 16, 2012 5:22 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2012 3:18 pm
58665 Views

Well Diablo III is here in my fat sweaty hands so I shan't be blogging until I get sick of it most likely - I estimate sometime around Christmas .

I leave you with this ;

One time a dude was complaining about how his wife never let him fuck her in the ass . I said to him "Sometimes you have to sodomize the mind before you can sodomize the asshole ." It was kind of funny .

They raised the price of soda at work to $1.50 (American) which is a god damn outrage . Not that long ago I worked somewhere you could get a soda for a nickle !

A nickle

While I'm gone please carry on my fine tradition of excellence .

DD you blog about my sexual deficiencies - by sure to mention how its been almost 3 years since I had sex at least every 4-5 posts

Fever you blog about how all my co-workers are dumb and tennis

Sonic you cover comics and other nerd related items

Smartass you've got get general complaining and vaguely interesting non-sequiters .

Put that all together and you should have the full 40Deuce blog experience .
2 Comments
Advice , the proper way to eat a banana , and why Iowa > Missouri
Posted:May 14, 2012 10:59 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2012 5:13 pm
58630 Views
So its turns out that Tennis Girl might want to date me after all . I guess looking for a tennis partner on a dating site might be sending a mixed message . Is there any way I can brutally reject her emotional advances and still have her as a partner for the summer doubles league ? My brain says no , but my brain is an idiot - tell me what to do . That way its your fault .

In other news a lady showed me how to eat a banana without making it look sexual the other day (bananas look like dicks you know) and I figured I should share that information with you .

1. Peel the banana
2. Smash the banana
3. Spread the smashed banana between your index and middle finger
4. Lick the banana off from between your fingers

Nothing sexual about that



In other other news I've never liked Missouri , and now I know why .

It's ludicrous to imagine modern-day Iowa pulling a gun because a neighboring state disagreed about where the border should be , but the 1800s were a different time . For instance , when Missouri decided to resurvey the border with what would soon be Iowa (in a way that would , of course , make Missouri bigger) shit hit the fan .

Missouri sent in a sheriff and tax agents to collect from the settlers in "Iowa" and were met by a pitchfork-wielding mob that chased them back to Missouri . In retaliation , Missouri Governor and professional dumbass Lilburn Boggs , a trigger-happy guy who would later make it legal to kill Mormons , sent the militia to occupy the border . They were met by the , um , eclectic Iowa militia . According to one observer they were "...men armed with blunderbusses [awesome] flintlocks , and quaint old ancestral swords that had probably adorned the walls for many generations . One private carried a plough coulter over his shoulder by means of a log chain , another had an old-fashioned sausage stuffer for a weapon , while a third shouldered a sheet iron sword about six feet long ."

The Iowans managed to take the Missouri sheriff hostage . Meanwhile , after being beaten by what was the worst-armed cosplay convention ever , the Missouri tax agents figured they'd need to find another way to collect . So, they cut down a bunch of honey bee hives as partial payment to have something to show their bosses .

The states appealed to Congress to settle the matter . Congress drew an arbitrary line and told both sides not to cross it , by God , or else Congress would turn the territories around so fast it would make their heads spin .

Show Me State my ass .
4 Comments
A field guide to North American pussy
Posted:May 13, 2012 5:59 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2012 3:59 pm
59514 Views

I think that would be a good idea for a blog post . Someone should do it . I've been kicking the idea around for a while but I'm too lazy to do it .

The process of taking a male baby and cutting off the skin around the head of the penis is common in the U.S. now (about 75 percent of American males are circumcised) but that wasn't always the case . So why did it become standard ? Partly to keep American boys from touching their wieners .

It's fairly recent too. As recently as the 1860s circumcision was still primarily thought of as a "Jewish rite" something that for non-Jews would be done as a last resort in response to infections around the foreskin and other medical problems . But in the late 1800s and early 1900s America wound up in a frenzy over the problem of masturbation that sounds suspiciously similar to the fears about recreational drugs a half century later - masturbation was spoken of as a new , addictive fad among our that doctors said could cause everything from psychosis to epilepsy.

And then , somehow , they decided that circumcision would prevent masturbation (because no Jewish man had ever been caught masturbating up to that point I guess?) The benefits were claimed to be twofold -

First , it supposedly reduced the secretions that would get inflamed around the foreskin and thus get in the habit of rubbing themselves . Seriously , books at the time treat genital itching as a gateway drug to masturbation - a 1914 public school sex ed manual says keeping from scratching their junk is the only way to keep them out of the insane asylum , where all masturbators end up .

Second, many doctors thought that removing the foreskin made masturbation much more difficult (which , as about half of you readers know it totally doesn't) By the way, that 1895 medical journal suggests that another way to prevent boys from masturbating is to sever the fucking nerves to the penis , so there just wouldn't be any feeling there at all .

Again it makes perfect sense if you are under the impression that masturbation is a drug 10 times more dangerous than heroin . It's a telling sign of how villainous masturbation was that "Jewish penis surgery" sounded like a sensible alternative , particularly since the 1860s weren't exactly an enlightened time in Anglo-Jewish relations (it was around then that Union general and soon-to-be president Ulysses S. Grant signed the order expelling all Jews from some Southern states) And yet , by 1895 this "Jewish rite" had become the physician's "closest friend and ally" in the battle against masturbation .

Anti-masturbation crusader John Harvey Kellogg then came along and upped the ante by insisting that circumcision should be performed with no anesthesia . Why ? So the would feel the pain and remember it the next time he was tempted to "self-abuse":

"The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic , as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind , especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment , as it may well be in some cases . The soreness which continues for several weeks interrupts the practice , and if it had not previously become too firmly fixed , it may be forgotten and not resumed ."

I reckon associating the penis with pain would lead to a different conclusion entirely .

Oh , and the follow-up to the procedure isn't creepy at all , saying the patient ;

"... should be so carefully surrounded by vigilance that he cannot possibly transgress without detection . If he is only partially watched , he soon learns to elude observation , and thus the effect is only to make him cunning in his vice"

And yes , this is Kellogg of "Kellogg's cereal" fame. Kellogg , as you can tell , was really into keeping from masturbating . An entire segment of the food industry would be born as a result of this crusade .

At some point , masturbation experts (like you ! Zing !) decided that a major culprit in provoking the urge was diet . Certain foods were "excitants" known to fire the blood . Of course in the late 1800s "excitants" included such exotic fare as cloves, vinegar , pickles , candy , eggs and pork . Thankfully , to protect from the evils of peppermint , anti-masturbation dietitians invented the opposite of tasty food , namely cold breakfast cereal . Grape-Nuts , and later Corn Flakes , were specially designed to be non-stimulating alternatives to "food"

So when you would see ads for cereals like Grape-Nuts back then (invented by CW Post, a competitor of Kellogg from the same era) you would see innuendos about how it won't "heat the blood" the way other foods do . The ads also boasted that it was "predigested" because if you're trying to remain cool and unexcited , clearly you should model your diet after a baby bird . Mr. Kellogg , meanwhile , believed eating his "corn flakes" would do the trick . If he was smart , he'd have advertised his cereal as the only way to prevent forceful circumcision , without anesthesia , followed by a 24-hour masturbation watch . That's some pretty strong damned motivation right there .

Also corn flakes make terrible lubrication .

Another inventor of "food to make you stop jerking off" was Reverend Sylvester Graham , of Graham cracker fame . His cold breakfast option to suppress sexual urges was originally called Honey Biscuits (which ironically would be a great porn name) It was specifically recommended as an important part of the diet for those recovering from masturbation for the same reason as the cereals: a bland taste and ease of digestion designed to provide nutrition without any hint of stimulation .

Graham crackers were also sold as the perfect food to help gain weight and thus have the strength necessary to resist temptation and this was even before started eating them with chocolate and marshmallows.

"Our research suggests that fat don't get laid . Gentlemen, I have an idea ..."

And given that chocolate was thought to be an aphrodisiac , this made smores an existential battle for a Boy Scout's soul .
6 Comments
You would have totally banged Joe Stalin
Posted:May 12, 2012 7:19 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2012 5:11 pm
59779 Views


Yeah , this is Joseph Stalin as a young lad - you can't tell me you wouldn't go for that . On the other hand is a sad commentary on what a good looking dude is going to look at 20-30 years later .

A while back I declared Australia the horniest of nations based on participation on this here website , but it turns out that they're not so much into the small boobies .

Back at the beginning of 2010 , the Australian Classification Board decided it needed to put an end to some of the more unsavory aspects of adult films and publications . First on their hit list was the depiction of any sort of female ejaculation . The Board felt these scenes were most decidedly deserving of a Refused Classification because it was one of two things -

Urine , and thus banned under the label of "golden showers" or ;

an abhorrent depiction.

I presume all the wives of the men on the Classification Board are having affairs .

Also in the Classification Board's sights for banned content ? Breasts . Or rather , the lack thereof . If you were going to have naked titties , they needed to be big titties . By order of the Australian government .

The reason is that an Australian group called Free 2B was leading a campaign to forbid women with an A-cup breast size from appearing in pornography , claiming it encouraged pedophilia , since apparently all flat-chested women are under the legal age of consent .

As a result , depictions of non-voluptuous women in their late 20s have been banned , including those in mainstream publications like Hustler . Not only that , but according to Fiona Patten of the Australian Sex Party (which sounds awesome) "It may be an unintended consequence of the Senator's actions but they are largely responsible for the sharp increase in breast size in Australian adult magazines of late ."

Shame on you Australia . I am taking up a collection to send Lady Tatas to Australia to set them straight because as we all know , she loves ALL titties . All .
4 Comments
A game of Homothronesphobia
Posted:May 11, 2012 1:19 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2012 2:29 pm
58519 Views

I was reading this [post 2916161] the other day and while I wholeheartedly agree I realized that while I'm perfectly willing to believe there's men who like all different kinds of female forms I'm not willing to apply the same ideal in the reverse - or more importantly to myself . If there are women out there that think I'm attractive I would find that kind of disturbing . Which is wrong on several levels , but I have the feeling its something I'm never going to be able to change .

Bummer huh ?

In other other news I've always thought I've got a pretty low score on the homophobia scale , I mean what do I care what gay dudes do ? But every now then something comes along that reminds me I might not be as enlightened as I think . You see I played the Game of Thrones card game for years before I ever watched the show or read the books . In the card game on of the best characters is the Knight of Flowers . So when I was watching the TV show and the Knight of Flowers turned up I was all like "Aw yeah , this is going to be great !" And then either the first or second scene with him was him giving a blowjob to Renly Baratheon - which creeped me out . Oh , spoiler alert Renly is gay . I guess I should have known Knight of Flowers ? Yeah , sounds pretty gay now that I think about it .

Now , if there was a female character who I was expecting to kick all known forms of ass I would be disappointed if her first act was to suck a guy off also , but you know not in the same way . Anyway , point is I guess I need to take sensitivity training again . Speaking of which , he had to have a dumb HR meeting earlier this week because someone filed a sexual harassment complaint . I've been through this half a dozen times now and every time the HR chick asks the question ;

"Can a compliment ever be considered offensive ?"

And there's always a bunch of people who say NO ! Nevermind the fact that most of them have also been through the same meeting before , but come on people . If there's one thing I've learned in my life (and there isn't) its that human behavior is completely inexplicable . Come on , try to explic it - I dare you .

Thing I hate of the day

Whenever a comic book movie comes out everyone asks me about it because I used to own a comic store . I hate that . There a BILLIONS of comics people , and guess what , I didn't like or read every single one of them . Most of them sucked just like any other media . I did not see any of the Spider-Man movies because I don't like Spider-Man . You can like comics and not like Spider-Man - trust me . I did not see Thor either because Thor is lame as hell . The only Thor I liked was the one in the Ultimates because was only in one panel , didn't say anything , and didn't join the Avengers . Possibly racist footnote - every non white person who came into my store always wanted Spider_man comics . That's a fact but it still seems racist somehow .

The other day I was responding to someone's blog and I said something about handing out comment cards after sex . Here are my lifetime scores so far .

Kissing - B (I agree with that , I'm a pretty good kisser , but my lips to tend to go numb after 10-15 minutes which I don't care for)

Groping - C (I think I'm a better groper than this , the problem is I'm not great at multitasking so when I try and kiss and grope my groping does suffer . If we were just groping my score would be higher I think)

Transition - D (Unfortunately true , I never know when to try and move things from foreplay land to nude land - take me by the hand and lead me to where you want to have sex , that's about the best I can pick up on)

Sexual disrobing - C- (This is bullshit . I am totally sexy when I'm getting undressed . Tripping sensually over your pants is what its all about)

Nippleation - C+ (I never know how much to work the boobs . Some women don't want to waste any time on the nipples at all - some are all about it . I know I have too much of a light touch for those who are really into it . Also I think nipples should have 3 Ps - nippples)

Fingerblasting - A+ (I guess my tiny girl hands are a positive there maybe ? Its too bad in a way that I never want to be anywhere within 15 miles of any fisting because I have the perfect hands for it)

Giving Oral - A- (Too high . I think this is just goodwill because I'm willing to go south of the border at all . An A for effort maybe , but there's nothing special about my technique . Plus beard = scratchy . If I really cared I would shave . I read something the other day that most women required 20 minutes of oral to achieve orgasm . I doubt I go over 10 very often . I guess I'm more selfish than I thought .)

Receiving Oral - F (Agree , I get bored and my attention wanders . Plus aside from when I was with my first girlfriend it doesn't even really feel good to me . I wonder if I have thick penis skin disease . Point is move along Knight of Thrones , I'm not interested .)

Sixty and Nine - B (Doesn't make a lot of sense since I got an A for oral , but there it is . Weird sidenote , almost every women I've been with has wanted to be on the bottom during 69ing - that's not normal is it ?)

Missionary - Incomplete (sigh)

Doggie style - C (I do last longer for some reason . I only deal out ass smacks on request though , I probably lose points there . I hate the term doggie style , although I love the style - it needs to be rebranded with a new name)

On bottom - B (I never cum when I'm on bottom . I'm sure that means I hate women or something . Anyway , since all you have to do is lay there its right in my wheelhouse .)

Bent over the kitchen counter while she talks to a co-worker she doesn't like but is too polite to hang up - A (It is my specialty)

Titty fucking - B+ (Only did it once , I have no idea why people are into it - if they really are , I bet its just a porn thing)

Anal - A (I've been told I know "just how much" an ass can take . I don't really feel comfortable with any sex act where that's a concern . I do like watching it though .)

Cuddling - A (Maybe , who cares ?)

Pillowtalk - F (This is a total rip off . I am at my most chatty after sex . Lying naked in bed is the best way to have a deep and meaningful conversation . I've been told my topics aren't appropriate for post-coital lingering and I talk too much .)

In the comments section - Too quiet , which is probably true . Pleasing aroma , which has to be a total lie because I sweat like a metaphor . Not aggressive enough , true I guess if you like that kind of thing - I am not the kind of guy to takes charge in the bedroom . I don't like when women say that want to "submit" to me . William Wallace didn't die fighting for your freedom just so you could give it away lady . Good with toys, I guess - the toy does all the work , again I think this is just based on willingness to do it .
3 Comments
Madam your infant displeases me , banish it from my dominion !
Posted:May 10, 2012 4:23 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2012 8:49 pm
58309 Views

Not that my blog ever has much structure - but this is random junk .

Junk power go ;

Some lady brought her baby into work today . That annoys me to no end . I guess if you work at a daycare that would be okay . Or a really horrible sweatshop . Or a Mexican baby fighting ring .

"isn't that adorable , baby Qiznorg shat all over your desk ! When are you going to have a baby ?!"

Activate pepper spray . In that movie Last Seduction (which was pretty good) Linda Fiorentino kills a dude by pepper spraying him in the mouth . My police buddy says its probably true since it causes swelling and your throat would close up . I want confirmation . In addition to sex Mythbusters they need death Mythbusters .

I told one of my co-workers today they were "useless" because they couldn't tell me who the He-Man dude with the giant tail was . He seemed kind of hurt by that . I eventually remembered - Whiplash .

Sometimes I change my shirt at lunch to see if anyone notices . Today was the first time anyone did - or at least the first time anyone said anything about it .

I work with a lady who's last name is Soda . A lot of people call her Sosa by mistake . Which is annoying because there's also a lady who works there with the same first name who's last name IS Sosa .

Sometimes I see a link to an article that says something like "Tiger struggles at Sawgrass" and I think "That sounds strange , I better read it - why was there a tiger at a golf course ?" But then I remember Tiger Woods exists and I'm disappointed .

I enjoy reading , I do it a lot . But one of my friends is one of them assholes who goes like this ;

"Hey , did you see Game of Thrones last night ?"

"No , I was READING ."

Fuck you pal . Reading is no more constructive than watching TV is - there's no reason feel superior about it . Both are leisure activities , both are a waste of time . I like them both . Neither is virtuous in any way . That's no different from saying

"No , I was JACKING OFF ."

People who put on airs about not watching TV annoy me . Great , so the fuck what ? I don't play backgammon - you don't see me bragging about that . Plus many of these people who "don't" watch TV seem to barge into an awful lot of discussions about shows they "don't" watch with surprisingly informed opinions .

I guess that's it .
2 Comments

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