Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service
Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now
My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > Now That*s What I Call Fucking: Volume I
Now That*s What I Call Fucking: Volume I   by CJ Watson

Member Votes

36 votes
61 votes
190 votes
260 votes
1214 votes
Don't like So so Good Very Good Excellent
Members can vote on this response!

Editor Article Search

Text:  

C.J Watson is a twenty-something college co-ed from the Southeastern United States. A self-proclaimed spoiled Ebony princess, C.J has been writing professionally for thirteen years and has aspirations of someday becoming a New York City columnist. She loves fashion, dogs and strawberries and hates thin dicks.

By popular demand, CJ Watson will soon be bringing out the hottest porn for Men.Date - Gay Dating members on a regular basis. Watch for her column, coming up!


As a materialistic New York girl, I pride myself on being able to distinguish between a good sturdy pair of sling back sandals from Manolo Blahnik and the generic knock-offs that can be conveniently picked up for purchase at the local Wal-Mart. Spotting good porn is similar to spotting good fashion; if you're good at it, you get more bang for your buck (I mean that literally), if you lack the eye for porn you could end up with a three month subscription to crazylesbianorgies.com...and trust me that isn't a good thing, but more on that later.

Everyone doesn't possess my talent for pegging counterfeit Manolos, nor do most possess my talent for spotting lousy porn sites. Who am I kidding? My ability to differentiate between the good, the bad and the "what the hell is this" is based on trial and error, a complex system of me dropping money that should have been used to pay my credit card bills on porn and then realizing that I should have just used the money to buy a new skirt. In the end, I developed my nose for what sucks (and not in the good way) pornwise, and what good is a gift unless you use it for good? Which brings me to this week's rant, a comprehensive list of adult site that left me with a limp clit, bone dry and sporting that What the Fuck look that Scooby Doo had in every episode right after he saw that week's featured "ghost..." right before he and Shaggy broke off into a sprint.

And although I'm not a terribly positive girl, I threw in some fairly hot sites to check out, just for good measure.

"No, you're kidding...no really, this can't be porn:"

ExploitedBlackTeen.com:

Let me begin by saying that if anyone got exploited on this site it was me after I paid roughly $30.00 for a one month membership. On the upside, more than ninety percent of the girls on this site are the most recognizable faces in Ebony porn, Ayana Angel, Promise, Jada Fire and Angel Eyes just to give you a sample. How exactly do you "exploit" a well-known porn star and since when do any of them, as gorgeous as they are, look young enough to pass for nineteen or even twenty-one? If only consistency were the only problem. At the end of the day, all we really care about is the action which would have worked beautifully had there actually been any.

Allow me to clarify, the first five-seven minutes is spent in a pre-fuck interview with the "exploited" teen. This is never a good sign and whatever simpleton came up with this idea ought to be disbarred or whatever they do to porn people. Who the hell cares where this little tart goes to school and how many dicks she's sucked and what's the freakiest thing she's ever done, we already know the answer to all three. Given that she's doing porn, she's either a college coed or a high school dropout, and as for how many dicks she's sucked and her most erotic adventures, again who the hell cares? I'm most interested in the dick/s she'll be sucking today.

But I'm getting off topic, so I digress. After the pre-fuck "getting to know you" chat, the sex takes place which in almost every episode consisted White guy/Black girl doing this-Quiet Moans-"Oh yeah, that feels to good-" Switch positions-Quiet Moans-"Oh yeah, that feels so good-" Switch positions- Repeat. In the end, if you see one episode of EBT you've seen them all. It's really a shame, as aforementioned some of the girls featured were too hot for words, maybe they would have had better results using all of that booty in a gangbang scene. On the upside, there's plenty of material and a couple of orgy scenes which were worth checking....with the volume off, of course.

Crazylesbianorgies.com:

I'm not a fan of any site that totes a price tag for $29.95 and doesn't even offer the option of downloading the episodes. For twenty-nine bucks I could have bought a convincing pair of Manolo knock-offs. CLO offers six bonus sites; Amateur Big Naturals, Sexy Nubiles, My Outdoor Shots, Nature Bondage, Skilful Hands and Public Fucked. As for the content, every episode features, you guessed it, a lesbian orgy.

In all fairness, a couple of the scenes packed heat. Including one in which a group of eight blondes and brunettes, lick each other's snatches and pile-drive one another with loud and colorful vibes on a Queen sized bed. Ironically, this scene and every other worthy of viewing time, stars the unforgettable potty-mouth of blonde vixen, Brooke Hunter...hardly, a coincidence I concur. In the end, even the aggressive screams and powerful climaxes that made Brooke a porn queen aren't enough to save this infrequently updated ship.

Pimp4aday.com:

Pimp4aday is a reality site in which a "pimptress/hotess" normally Miss Tammy rides around in the back of a Ford Econovan searching Southern U.S.A's homeless and wino populations in search of a "pimp." Once Tammy finds the day's chosen street urchin, she takes him back to "the crib" in which to gives him an assortment of "gold" rings and chains and polyester shirts courtesy of the local swap meet. Once the guy looks like the dictionary definition of "Dolemite," he and Miss Tammy travel the local dirty roads in search of the latest welfare recipient out in search of her "new babydaddddddy."

Considering that most of the girls are already the proud mothers of at least five bastard children, getting them into the Econovan doesn't normally take much arm-twisting. In the van there's always a lot miff-diving, nipple flicking, deep-throating fun. Once back at the apartment, the fucking continues...only this time minus all the clothes. Tammy's a screamer, and normally the day's featured "baby-momma" is loud and giving...but having to give "the pimp" step by step instructions of how to long-stroke a twat gets a little comical. And don't you just hate when the guy can't even keep his dick up? If the fucking these slutbags aren't attracted to them, why should anyone else be?

The biggest turn-offs with the Pimp site are the series stars themselves. Miss. Tammy is rail thin and while not an unattractive woman, something about her just yelps "hoodrattery." Her thick Southern accent makes her mid-orgasm screaming ear-shattering and the in depth conversations with the cameraman about her unresponsive nipple is a bit too much information....well at least it's cheap.

Pornaccess.com:

Any frequent consumer of adult material is well familiar with its problems. For starters, too much talking not enough action. On the other hand, there are people who enjoy the five minutes of seductive storylines set up in most new releases....I don't understand these people, but they're out there. Pornaccess.com does a naughty good job of offering something for everyone at a helluva price. For the discount price of seventy-seven cents a day, porn lovers are offered 932 different sites in every category from Mature to Ebony to Tranny to Anal, Amateur, Bi-Sexual, Lezzie, Big Tits, Vintage, Blowjobs, European, Hand jobs, Interracial, Latin and a whole lot more-Whoa...I'm out of breath.

Not to mention the site is frequently updated and debuts new sites weekly; with six new sites opening this week alone. As a former member myself, allow me to send you to one of the most popular sites in the PA network. Old and Young Girls is home to most of the scenes from the Older Women and Younger Women series, and the classic scene of blondie Jessie J. taking a thumb up the bum with being stroked damn near unconscious doggy from legend Nina Hartley is worth squirt every bit of your jizz.

Assparade.com:

In general, anything produced by Bangbros is the creme-de-la-creme of fuck flicks...or at least as good as it's going to get in today's porn world. Assparade and other Bangbro sites like, BangBoat and Mom's Anal Adventure keep in fashion with Pornaccess and offer a new spin on the world's oldest tradition....banging. The site is updated on a weekly basis with a new assortment of juggling ass in every complexion. There are lots of luscious Latinas, like the gorgeous Ice La Fox and spicy Olivia O'Lovely. There are also Black beauties being followed by a lot of junk in their trunk (sorry, I always wanted to say that.) And yes, White beauties as well...who said white girls couldn't have ass?

The hottest part of the site is watching the beautiful contrast of skin tones being fucked into submission in all of the group scenes the site has to offer. The girls are beautiful, without looking plastic. You could see any of them on any beach near you....if you live in Miami. Essentially, what makes or breaks a sex scene is the energy (or lack thereof) of the fuckees. These girls want to be pile-drived; they enjoy spitting a guy's cum all over their friend's dripping wet pussy. Knowing that the energy is real makes the scene real-even if you're only there in spirit.

HerFirstAnal.com:

HerFirstAnal never really its, but there's nothing funnier than watching a very experienced woman pretend that she's less experienced than she really is. Perhaps, because women do it all the time-only this time you know they're faking it. At any rate, watching the seduction unfold is reason enough to subscribe. Updated each week, two twenty-something guys venture out into the strip malls of L.A in search of a "virgin" ass to break.

The "virgin" is suckered into the truck with the promise of cash upon completion of a "sex survey" which always ends up with the dick in the little hottie's mouth and twat. Just as she's on the edge of orgasm...BAM...they threaten to take away the cock unless she serves up some ass. Vanessa Blue and Jada Fire were HOT in their respective episodes months back, but every Friday we meet a new little slut who thirty minutes later ends up DP'ed on the couch in dingy apartment. Ah, reality porn at its best.

TeensForCash.com:

If you watch Dateline, like I do, you've probably heard about Myspace.com and how it is the devil reincarnate and how "Myspace is the reason that young adults are being victimized and having sex and doing drugs..." I'm beginning to wonder if Myspace is responsible for my dog dying when I was seven? The media has convinced the "concerned parents" of America that Myspace is responsible for world hunger. I don't know about anyone else, but I happen to like Myspace.com and I don't like sites that I enjoy being shut down because the little shits of America don't know better than to not talk to strangers. Futhermore, all of this ridiculousness (yep, that's a word) about Myspace encouraging sex is a bunch of bull...teenaged sluts have been fucking way before Myspace and will continue to point their heels toward heaven with every jock on the basketball team once Myspace has died. TeensforCash is proof of just that.

Dirty Harry looks more like the drunken Mexican that hangs out behind the local liquor store, but in fact the skinny Latin porn star with the discolored fingernail fungus delivers more pounding and filthy talk than performers half his age. So it's no surprise that Harry provokes multiple O's from the tight-bodied 18 year old cunts that are stupid enough to fuck him and his balding sidekick.

The newer installments don't feature as much of Harry, but that doesn't stop Jesse and another wino double from getting into the shorts of the innocent teens of America when the price is right. Which just goes to show, Myspace isn't the source of all teen evil....stupidity is, and I like it!