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You shouldn't talk to strangers , because you'll bore them
Posted:Nov 23, 2017 7:14 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2017 3:06 pm
That's what my grandpappy always told me

I've often wondered why there are so many wrestlers that are way into Jesus , it doesn't seem like a profession that would lend itself to such . However I heard on ex-wrestler today break down a reason I never would have thought of ;

When it’s to that extent that you’re ripping your flesh apart there’s something wrong – it’s not healthy to purposely destroy yourself like that ; and it’s beyond like “I’m just desperate for attention” or “I want the rush” . And I started asking ; why is this going on ? There has to be a reason I’m willing to do this . And it was guilt that I was struggling with . I sat through a church service on the crucifixion of Christ when I was 16 that was extremely very graphic and extremely guilt laden and the pastor ended the service by saying “There’s not one person in here that would willing take that upon themselves” . The fact that she said that triggered something in me , I can’t tell you what that did to me but I was so obsessed . I was looking for a way to atone for my own sins . You can mix in the adventure and the stuff that’s really fun in the ring but I finally got down the root of it and I was obsessed with notion of taking damage to myself and shedding blood , I couldn’t get that out of my mind . It was something that I got over . The realization I came to is that that was never the message of Christianity – it’s a free gift , you don’t need to pay for your own sins , it was paid for by Christ .

Here's an interesting factoid . In 1932 an exercise was carried out in which Rear Admiral Yarnell commanded the carriers Lexington and Saratoga in an effort to demonstrate that Hawaii was vulnerable to naval air power . The expectation was that Yarnell would attack with battleships , but instead he left his battleships behind and proceeded only with his carriers to the north of Hawaii where it was less likely he would be detected . With a storm as cover , at dawn on Sunday, 7 February, Yarnell’s 152 planes attacked the harbor from the northeast , just as the Japanese navy would ten years later . The army airfields were first put out of commission after which Battleship Row was attacked , with multiple hits on Navy ships . No defending aircraft were able to launch . The Navy’s war-game umpires declared the attack a total success , prompting Yarnell to strenuously warn of the Japanese threat .

The New York Times reported on the exercise , noting the defenders were unable to find the attacking fleet even after 24 hours had passed . US intelligence knew Japanese writers had reported on the exercise . After the exercise a reassessment of naval tactics was voted down .

A lot of historians like to debate if Pearl Harbor was really a surprise - sounds like it shouldn't have been regardless .

A while ago they started airing advertisements with anthropomorphic pop tarts being murdered in various ways . I've always found them mildly disturbing but just the other day I noticed in the one where the Pop Tart People jump into a bowl of Jolly Ranchers and then the Lizard-Man is holding up the remains of one of them that he's eating there's still a little pop tart man leg on it - AND IT'S STILL MOVING !!! It haunts my dream . That pop tart man is still alive while being consumed .

There's an article about a lady on HuffPost who hates these commercials and is trying to stop them . But on the other hand Pop Tart sales have gone up 40 years straight so , you know .

Today at Thanksgiving my niece was begging for some expensive thing for her phone so I says to her I says ;

See , back in my day , entertainment was cheap ! You just walk yerself down to the newsstand or drugstore and pick yourself up a comic-book for one thin dime - or if you're cheap , you could just stand there and read it for free , but Old Man Carruthers - he was the guy ran the drug store - he'd prob'ly shout at you about how it weren't no lending library . Course we'd say we knew that already , coz our local library didn't carry no comic-books , heck they didn't even get magazines until thirty-six , and that were just a subscription to Juggs . Anyway our library would never of carried the comic-books I liked, like 'CRIME SQUAD' and 'True Tales of Murder Justice' what with the blood and violence in 'em . Worse things in them comics than you get on television these days , let me tell you . Loved 'em .

What was I talking about ? Oh yeah , money . See entertainment used ta be cheap , but not anymore it ain't ! money , money , money , that's all that anything is about these days and everything costs ten times more than it's got any right to . You may think shows is free, but nossir ! Not to them folks what run the thing and make the numbers go up and write the jokes and what not . Don't care for them jokes myself , don't see the need for all these pop-cultural references and whattayacallems 'post-modernisms' and 'metahumors' all talking directly to the audience , why back in my day we were perfectly satisfied with a good knock-knock joke , but no , everything these days has to be modern and whatnot .

Seems a shame to me , you just don't get good jokes like we saw Fatty Barnes tell in the vaudeville hall back when I was young . You don't get the dollar ride for a nickle , that's what my pappy told me , and what his pappy told him . My great grandpappy was a goat and couldn't talk , so that's as far back as that goes , but you can bet yer britches that he would have , if he could've talked or had a brain that could process complicated thoughts like that .

But of course she had walked anyway by that point .

I got all my Christmas shopping done . So as a little reward for myself I'm going to get one of those nice clean hookers down at the Hilton Garden tomorrow .
Get naked - I have a plan
Posted:Nov 20, 2017 5:19 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2017 6:44 pm

Something wonderful happened last night . My spine is broken from picking up leaves so I didn't want to cook , ergo I ordered a Meatball sub and some onion rings from Sandwiches Sandwiches Sandwiches down on Fuller and Wabash . So the delivery lady turns up at my doorstep and hands me her phone to "sign" because we live in an era of fancy technology and at that precise moment a dude texted her a dick pic . That definitely made my whole week . Possibly my whole month . Potentially my whole 4th quarter .

Although it did make me wonder - was it a dick pic ? Is a dick pic just a picture of a dick or a picture where you can see the dick ? Because this dude was showing everything from the dick up . So maybe it wasn't a dick pic per se maybe it was just a nude ? Dunno . What I can tell you is that the guy had a so-so penis , a great body , and whiteman cornrows . Which I hope was a dealbreaker for this gal . Of all the hairstyles white people have stolen that's the one that never works out for them .

One mildly interesting factoid is that aside from noticing she was a lady I didn't really look at said delivery person until after the dick pic , on account of where I come from looking at people is considered to be extremely rude . But then I had to check her out of course because how else could I wonder what it would look like when they were doing it ? I tell you , she was pretty cute . I mean she had a bunch of facial piercings which I don't care for but a young woman who's banging a white dude with cornrows probably doesn't care about what I find attractive (nor does anyone else) .

Hey , you wanna feel old ? Consider this , Pikachu is in his late thirties now and just went through a really rough breakup he didn't see coming .

If they made a new version of the Fly where Jeff Goldblum accidentally mixes himself with a swan would it be awesome ? Yes .
Marty you're drunk as a crow
Posted:Nov 19, 2017 2:18 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2017 5:00 pm

I pulled a lady hair off my crotch area today which is puzzling because a lady's hair hasn't been near my crotch in 14 days (which is actually a pretty short amount of time for me) . I can only surmise that said hair made it's way to the crotch back then where it was transferred to the underwear and it somehow managed to stay attached through the wash cycle and then upon being donned again made the jump back to my man zone . I don't shave my junk but I do trim the junkhair so I can't believe it was just hiding out there all this time like it might had I a full pubis .

Speaking of (not really) I was shaving my ass the other day and I thought "Who is this for ? What's the point ? A no one is going to see your ass and B you're gross anyway so even if they did that's not going to help" . My inner monologue is pretty mean , but I've known people who's internal speech is way worse . I wonder what that's about . Is that kind of thinking somehow beneficial evolutionarilywise ? I suppose it's part of risk avoidance - you suck so don't even try . Which was probably helpful back in the day when you were thinking about trying to run away from a dire wolf .

After pulling the lady hair off my balls I headed to the grocery store (drink ! ) where a lady came up to me in the parking lot and kept calling me "Marty" which for the record is not my name . I tried to explain to her that I thought she had me confused with someone else but she plowed ahead like my words meant nothing . She was older but not really in the age where I would expect dementia , but that can happen early in life for some people .

Point is if I had gone along with it and let her think I was Marty and we ended up in bed how immoral would that have been ? Like on a scale of slacking off at work to totally betrayal of all that humanity holds dear ?

I picked up some reprinted newspapers from 1917 a while back and one thing that was interesting was the sheer volume of ads . People (the few who still read the paper) today complain about all the advertisements in newspapers but they don't know how lucky they are by comparison . I wonder how expensive a newspaper would be if they tried to get by just with subscription fees . One thing I can tell you muslin (whatever that is) was big 100 years ago .

$1.95 seems like a great price for a silk shirt but then again people only made 500 bucks a year so maybe not ?

There's an article about a "successful" search for some missing canoeists by which they meant that they found their dead bodies . Which I guess technically is successful but reading that headline I assumed they had been found alive .

The personal ads are pretty entertaining - not the least of which because they exist at all . They are all from men though . One dude says he has a house and a car and he doesn't like dancing but he would be willing to learn . Sounds like a pretty good prospect to me . Another dude was a widower and said that he had waited the requisite year and was no ready for action . I had always heard the year of mourning thing thrown around but I didn't know it was a real thing , certainly not that recently . One fellow mentioned that his girl complained he never has anything to talk about . His solution ? Write to the newspaper and ask them what he she talk to her about . Brilliant ! I imagine him making her sit in the stoop and wait while he drafts the letter and then waits the response in the paper .

I was checking out the CDC website the other day because I was worried I had Dengue Fever again and I noticed they have the yearly death statistics on there , so for course I checked it out .

One interesting factoid is that a certain banned topic that rhymes with schmooicide is twice as likely as murder . And neither is really statistically significant when it comes to the death rate . People are worried about gun violence , and rightly so , but just based on the figures people would be several thousand times more worried about heart disease and cancer . And it's not that people don't care about those things but the proportion is all out of whack . Especially because disease is something that you can do a lot more about .

The root of violence is hard to pin down and even harder to address but we have a much better (not perfect of course) understanding of medical issues .

Another interesting thing is the difference between men and women . Up until about age 8 the death rate is the same (I had always been told that males have higher infant mortality rate) at which point the male rate is higher until around age 24 at which point it switches and the female rate is higher and then they go back to being pretty much the same in the 30s and forward . I wonder why that is . It seems like it kind of makes sense that once you're old enough to run around and do dumb stuff that men would have a better chance of dying but as I just mentioned accidental and violent causes aren't actually very common . I'm sure it could teased out of the figures if you did a deep dive but I was just perusing .

The race/ethnicity differences were exactly what you're expect but I didn't see any breakdown by income . I assume more money = more life but that doesn't mean it's true . I would have liked to seen that codified .

In conclusion while I was picking up leaves today some of my neighbors were loudly pontificating about how we shouldn't have to pay taxes and I decided that maybe we should try that for a while and let people see what a world without any public services would be like . Maybe then everyone would shut the hell up about taxes . Which probably sounds somewhat libertarian of me but it's not . I think that would be a good object lesson also - let the libertarians live in a society where they're depending totally on the kindness of corporations and see how long they think that's a good idea .
Will eat pussy for food
Posted:Nov 18, 2017 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Nov 19, 2017 1:33 pm
I like apes better than monkeys but I realized the other day that Beppo the Super Monkey was a good guy but all the powered apes are bad ;

Gorilla Grodd
The Ultrahumanite
The Ape Gang
Monsieur Mallah
Titano the Super-Ape

So what conclusion can we draw from this ? Apes are smarter than monkeys , ergo smartness must lead to evil . Watch out for Steven Hawking is all I'm saying .

Meanwhile , wrestling ;

I've been debating ALL day if I should do a "normal" post or a post decrying the 17 or so stories this week about wrestlers and sexual assault . I decided to go with the former but here is one disturbing thing I learned about myself . One of the victims is a lady wrestler and her gimmick is a super-slut and she posts tons of semi-nude photos of herself and jokes about blowing guys on the way to the gym . After her allegations become public she posted a picture of herself with her tits hanging out being all sexy and said "does this make you believe me less ?"

And it doesn't but I have to confess that in my heart of hearts it does make me wonder if maybe her experience wasn't as bad as it would be for a "normal" woman . Which I know is wrong but that doesn't stop it from being my first thought . I know that it shouldn't make a difference but my brain does say "well if you're constantly rubbing up on dudes and carrying on in a sexy manner is it really a huge deal if some dude grabs you ?" Makes me sad .

Anyway , at my new job there's a dude who looks like this (this isn't a picture of him but it's a very close likeness)

Not a hideous monster but clearly not an attractive fellow . He's in his mid 50s , basically a jerk , firmly middle class , definitely on the smarter side of the scale but thinks he's WAY smarter than he really is , somewhat of a bully to people he thinks he can get away with it with . And as far as I can tell he is banging young hot chicks on the reg . I've seen him with a couple different "girlfriends" none of whom I'm confident are old enough to drink legally and all of which are gorgeous . One of my co-workers said that this is a normal thing that has been going on for years .

You bump into these guys ever now and then , not attractive , not rich , shitty personality , and yet they've got women all over them . It's an interesting phenomena . Must be the kevorka . Or they're just sociopaths who are really good at manipulation .

Someone I was talking to the other day expressed regret that in a job that had when they were younger they sexually harassed a co-worker . And then they said "She sexually harassed me too but that doesn't negate what I did ?" Which didn't make sense to me because how can two people sexually harass each other - doesn't that mean they just want to bang ? But I thought about it and I suppose that it's possible . If you're harassing someone just to try and belittle them even if your attack vector is a sexual one that doesn't have to mean it's about sex . And they could retaliate in kind .

Doesn't seem like it would happen very often but it's possible .

The other day someone asked me if a Jedi could lift Thor's hammer (Mjolner) and the answer is obviously that it depends on the Jedi .

Qui-Gon Jin - Definitely
Obi-Wan Kenobi - When he was young for sure , old Ben maybe not
Yoda - I don't think so
Ahsoka Tano - Perhaps
Luke Skywalker - Nah

All other Jedi no chance .

Speaking of , in case you were wondering as I suspected it would Thor Ragnarok did indeed rock my face off . But there was NO Guardians of the Galaxy cameo . What the hell man ?

In conclusion one time I said those "suburban housewife was secretly a hooker" stories that were popular for a while in the "news" are all BS (well not all it did happen once) but then a local woman got arrested for just that . A fairly well to do lady who's a bit of a know entity around town got busted for trading cold hard cash for sexy times . And because people need all the prurient details they mentioned that she was charging 200 bucks for a blowjob . Now I realize that she was just hooking on the side for laughs but if you're a full time sex worker and you're getting 2 bills per blowjob you have to be raking it in . Even if you only suck 1 dick a day only on weekdays that's 50 grand a year TAX FREE (in the sense that it's illegal income) which adjusts to the equivalent of 80k in normal salary - for literally minutes of work a week .

I'm not sure which I would be more jealous of , the money or the free time . Wait is jealous right or envious ? Whichever , you know what I mean .

Also who are these dudes that can blow 200 bucks so cavalierly ? It's a good thing I'm not a whoremonger because my cheapass ways would definitely have gotten me stomped by a pimp or two by now .

When I (briefly) worked at the strip club in college some of the women working there gave handjobs in the back but I never asked how much it was . I'll always kick myself over that . I can't imagine it was much but then again at a strip club it's 14 bucks for a Miller Light so , you know .
That just raises further questions
Posted:Nov 12, 2017 7:29 am
Last Updated:Nov 15, 2017 5:27 pm
I didn't want to cook last night so I ordered a pizza for the first time in literally forever (literally) I mean what I am gonna do , go out to eat by myself ? Laaaaaaaaame . Anyway so an old Ukrainian man delivers the pizza and it's all wrong but I don't really care so I eat a couple slices anyway . About 20 minutes later he comes back and I tell him I already started eating on it and he gives me an exasperated sigh like that was a dick move on my part .

My first question is was he really just going to take that pizza to the people who had ordered it ? I could have jizzed all over it for all he knew .

And secondly how long should I have waited ? I mean if he was back like 5 minutes later I could see that , but 20 minutes ?

Also just for the record I didn't think I was eating someone else's pizza I just assumed they screwed up the order .

Sidenote I don't really care if my order is screwed up but I seem to have a habit of dating women who are very particular about their food and invariable don't get what they want . Although if you ask for 10 substitutions when you order something I feel like you're setting yourself up for disappointment . Just eat whatever slop they bring you and be glad you're not in a Chinese labor camp eating ground up bone paste and leaves .

On the most recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm was it Sophia Loren they were wondering if she had ever been nude on film ? That's what I remember but that doesn't seem right because she was naked a ton of times in movies . Of course a lot of those were films in Italy so maybe people aren't aware of them . Plus she was in Playboy right ? It must have been someone else .

What happens if you try and sue someone in the witness protection program ? As an example let's say that I'm at Felix and I see Kate Upton and Justin Verlander at the next table . So I send my buddy Fatpants out to make a big scene and distract their bodyguards and various toadies and then I go up and congratulate them on their recent wedding . Verlander gets pissed and shoves me , and I ain't no punk so I grab his arm and bite into his elbow (because that's how a real man handles his business) severing his radial collateral ligament with my mighty jaws . Also the wound gets infected because my mouth is dirty as hell - you know why .

So he's out of action for several months next season and the Astros get off to a bad start and miss the playoffs . So they want to sue me for lost revenue . But here's the problem , I'm in witness protection because I testified against the D-Company . So does that mean when the Astros try to come after me does that mean the Marshals Service hustles me out of there and sets me up with a new identity ? Or do they leave me out to hang ? Or is the identity they set up for me robust enough to stand the scrutiny of a trial ? For what matter how much scrutiny is there really ? If I tell people my name is Doobie Keebler and someone tries to sue me under that name does the service fail because that's not my real name ? It can't be that easy right , otherwise everyone would using a pseudonym .

Speaking of , why do author use pseudonyms ?

When a law enforcement agent is undercover and as part of said cover they commit crimes how is that justified legally ? Is it part of the criminal code what an undercover person can do ? Are they granted some kind of blanket immunity ? And for that matter how does immunity even work ? Who gets to make that decision ? Can some rogue prosecutor (wearing rouge) hand out immunity willy-nilly to whomever ? Why have I never heard of any kind of scandal where bribery is involved in immunity ?

Do you think people would pay 99 cents for a poker app ? I hear that sexting is way down because people are bored with it (as they are with sex in general) . I think if you could tie in sexting with a strip poker type scenario there's some money that could be made there .

I was at the dentist the other day and I got to wondering back in Ye Olden Tymes before dentistry was a thing when people's wisdom teeth came in were they just in agony for the rest of their lives ? Maybe that's why everyone was so murdery . Or because there was no dentistry and they had teeth falling out all the time did they actually need those teeth ?
Too many questions Mister Wayne ?
Posted:Nov 11, 2017 5:31 pm
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2017 6:51 am
A Repost in Honor of Current Events I was about to-hijack this post with a long response but at the last moment I realized I could just write about it MY blog . You know what they say even a stopped clock finds a nut every now and then .

A friend of mine who's in his late 20's moved back in with this parents (loser ! ) and the other day he was complaining about not being about to jerk off . To which I was completely unsympathetic . Not being able to masturbate is not a hardship so shut the hell up . "Oh you don't understand 40 because you're a sexless robot" . Screw you pal . If someone is nice enough to let you crash with them you're guest in their home - don't be a dick . You want to do whatever you want ? Get your own place . Then you can walk around stroking yourself all you want .

But to SAW's comment about how she didn't buy his story because there's always the shower option , I don't know how common a straight up shower jerk is . Every once in a while I'll watch some porn and then jump in the shower at like the 90% mark but a 100% showerjack I may have only done once or twice . And that was mostly just to see if I could masturbate without looking at porn .

Also to the question of "What would I get out of watching you jerk off ?" I used to think the same thing , but it turns out a some women really like watching guys pound it . One of the few really active groups on this very website is dedicated to just that . My first sexual experience (if you can call it that) was jerking off in front of a lady . Different stokes you know ?

Anyway , here's the question . Your bf/gf/wife/husband/whatever comes home and you ask them about their day . And they tell you they just got pulled over by the police on their way home . And you chat about that and you ask if they got a ticket and they say no and you ask how they got out if it and they say "Well the cop asked if I was in a hurry and I said no , I'm just going home to see my /gf/by/husband/wife/whatever and he said 'oh yeah , do you have a picture" so I showed him a picture of you on my phone and he says 'you got any dirty pics ? I'll let you off with a warning if you show me something hot' so I showed him those pics you sent on my birthday and he didn't give me a ticket" .

Would you be cool with that or would you be pissed ? Would it matter if you and said gf/bf/wife/husband/whatever were a single financial entity ? Would the gender of the cop matter ? Would it make a difference if they would lose their license if they had one more violation ? How much would it change things if you asked him to delete those pictures and this is how you found out they didn't ?

I was doing the dishes the other day and I noticed that the carafe that I bought says "flower vase" on the bottom . At first I was pissed at Pier One but then I wondered "is there really any difference between a carafe and a vase ?" Some carafes have a spout for pouring but not all . Or is that the difference and a lot of restaurants are feeding people water out of flower vases ? I was so worried about the difference between a decanter and a carafe I didn't even think about someone slipping me a flower vase . I just imagine some day having a fancy lady over at my house (LOL right ? ) and after she takes a drink throwing the water in my face and saying "this is flower vase water you cad !" And then we bang .

The Ric Flair 30 for 30 was not nearly as depression as I worried it might be . But it did get me to wondering , what exactly is a "functional alcoholic" ? I feel like that may be a nonsense term because to me alcoholism indicates dysfunction . Since I don't drink I probably have no clue , but if someone drinks 15 beers a day but it doesn't cause any issues I'm not sure what that really means .

Also I didn't know he was adopted .

I did like that Hulk Hogan admitted that Ric Flair is a way better wrestler than him but somehow he still seemed to come off as a smarmy asshole to me - I felt like he was trying to put himself over with how magnanimous he was being . It's possible I just hate HH so much at this point that I'm going to find fault with whatever he does .

And finally , on my last day at my former job one woman was rebuking another for getting her restraints on Amazon . She accused her of being a "50 Shades of Grey (Gray ? ) wannabe poser" . I don't know why but I find the sense of superiority people have about silly things like this to be quite hilarious . Also a lot the pictures of restraints on Amazon have the same blonde woman who looks like she dead . I can't tell if it's a really aphetic real lady or a really high quality sex doll .

Which begs the question , would you rather have sex with a real person who was super lethargic and giving you nothing or a really top notch sex machine ? I know my answer .

Also I've been watching some cuckold humiliation videos and have to say I like the bit where the lady makes the dude suck the other dude's cock . So I'm probably gay . Again .
My dreams, they gotta kiss it, 'cause I don't get sleep
Posted:Nov 5, 2017 5:52 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2017 3:19 pm
I was driving this weekend and I saw that appeared to be a human skeleton in a ditch . I grant you I didn't get a good look but it didn't appear obviously fake . But I figured it was a Halloween thing and ignored it . But what if it wasn't near Halloween ? I'd still probably ignore it . I feel like if you live in the country you could probably murder people , render them down to skeletons and then put them were cars driving past would see them and nothing would happen . Not sure what that means about our society , if anything .

Speaking of , I went and checked out a WW1 exhibit this weekend and it was strangely both depressing and uplifting . Depressing because things seem almost exactly the same as in 1917 , but uplifting for the same reason - things seem bad right now and people are all in a panic about whatever but things are always bad and people are always in panic and we're all still here panicking and freaking out . It's just the natural order . People are often like 'things used to be better" but they didn't .

Also I learned something because I thought the sinking of the Lusitania is what spurred the US into the war but apparently the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back was the Zimmermann Telegram in which German proposed an alliance with Mexico to attack the US if the US entered the war .

There was a section about socialist resistance to the war and the a newspaper that was put on trial twice for treason that had a quote I really liked about how all they did was tell the truth and they don't know if it really meant anything in the long rung but they felt good about doing it . But I couldn't remember it well enough to hunt it down on Google . Sad panda . I was going to tweet it out and be a big damn hero . Because taking to social media is how people take action these days .

Now the next installment in the infinity part series "millennials ruin everything" - did you know that millennials now say third base to mean a hand job ? What is wrong with these damn kids . I mean maybe it kind of makes sense because third base is getting your hands on the goods but who uses the base analogy talking about a dude ? It makes no sense . Dudes are down for anything and everything .

The good news is though that playing Yahtzee and holding hands is still a home run in Christian baseball .

I still haven't figured out what an in-the-park-HR is though . And what does it mean when you get to second when there's already a runner on base in a three way scenario ? Because an RBI is something else .

Baseball is so dumb . Congrats to the Astros though !

Touch your bat dicks together in victory !

Meanwhile , wrestling ;

In other news a dude was sentenced to 4 years in prison for sending dozens of hookers to his neighbors house . He would tell them that his "kink" was pretending that he didn't want them to be there and they had to entice him to let them in by committing lewd acts on the porch . Which is a pretty good scam but it had to have cost the dude a fortune . I wonder if he's super crazy or if he's just really dedicated to ruining that guys' life for some reason .

And finally scientists have found a new species of orangutan (P. tapanuliensis) in remote jungles of Sumatra - making it the 3rd known orangutan species ! Only two more until my plan is complete .
8 pages behind
Posted:Nov 1, 2017 6:15 pm
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2017 5:05 pm
I'm not sure why I've been posting so much lately - must be something with my monthly cycles .

I could never put my finger on why but I always suspected that I wouldn't like Thomas Middleditch . And I was totally right . I tried to listen to part of an interview with him and the dude is a goofball - and not the good kind . More like that time Mitch Randler stood up in the middle of physic class and said "vagina" 22 times , ate a raw can of green beans and then started cornholing himself with a ruler . That's not comedy . Well it is but it's not funny . Well humor is subjective so maybe it was . Point is fuck that guy . He works at NAPA Auto Parts now .

I noticed a trend this Halloween that a lot of groups were dressing up like the folks from the Office . I'm not sure why this is happening now 4 years after the series ended (and 6 years after it stopped being funny) but I can see why it would be a good option for the lazy , I mean all you do is wear your work clothes and slap on a nametag and you're done . The only costumes who were usually identifiable were Dwight and Pam - they had pretty distinct looks . Sometimes you could pick out a Jim if the dude had the right hair to make it look like whatever that sloppy style was . Strangely none of the 15-20 groups I saw had a Michael , I guess no one wants to dress up as the idiot boss .

Also there were no Kellys or Stanleys - I tend to forget how whitebread Iowa is . Maybe because I work with a lot of people of color . My company has a LOT of issues but they are pretty diverse - except in management of course , that's wall to wall old white dudes . Anyway , what I wonder is if you're going to do an Office theme group costume thing and you have one black dude and one Indian lady is it "wrong" to expect them to be Stanley and Kelly ? And if you are said Indian lady or black dude how much would you care about that kind of thing ? And what if you're a black lady and they want you be to Stanley ? Is that a jerk move ? And now that I think about it if you're a fat guy does it bother you when people want you to be Kevin ? And if you're not fat and people say you should be Kevin does that mean they think you're a moron ? If they say you should be Meredith does that mean they think you're a giant slut ?

Is there anything that can rip a group apart faster than a group costume brainstorming session ?

The general census was that I should be Creed . With is mildly insulting but maybe accurate ?

Speaking of (not really) did I mention that there's a Golden Girls porn parody ? Because there totally is .

SBJ said that I had to talk about wrestling more so here's something I was thinking about as I listened to my 15th wrestling podcast of the week . The WWE definitely messes people up , which makes sense , I imagine most people get into 'the biz" because they don't want a corporate gig which is what working for WWE is ; and it seems to go two ways .

Dudes that just wanted to be wrestlers after the WWE fucks them over they stay in the biz and generally are happy .

Dudes that just wanted to be wrestlers in WWE after they get fucked over usually quit the biz and are super bitter and angry .

Also they were talking about famous backstage fights and what REALLY happened and they gave DDP a lot of flack for sucker punching Scott Steiner . Which I don't think is quite fair . If a dude is pushing up on your wife and you know you can't take him in a fair fight I feel like a sucker punch is totally fine . Seems like one of those no-win situations because if you do nothing your a pussy . If you fight the guy you get your ass kicked . If you sucker punch him you're also a pussy .

I always wonder what the woman thinks in that kind of situation . Never get married I guess is the lesson .

Thankfully I've not seen a lot of fights in my life sadly I would say 90% of the time the party who's "in the right" (as much as the term applies to someone willing to fight) gets beat down .

SAW said that I had to talk about handjobs so here's my take on that . Not a fan generally (as most guys aren't I believe) but I will say that the most pleasurable orgasm I ever had was some a handjob . So I don't know what to believe . On that same topic I also don't really get excited about anal but again one of my most pleasurable orgasms ever was from anal . Granted when I pulled out my cock was all shitty so that was kind of a downer . But I didn't get an UTI so it all worked out .

I've had this picture in my blog file for a while , I don't remember why .

Has anyone read the book Bladerunner ? Not the PK Dick novel that the movie Bladerunner is based on but the book titled Bladerunner which is totally separate . I wonder if it's any good . Also I kind of respect Ridley Scott for buying the rights to a book just because he thought the name was cool and wanted to use it for a movie based on a completed different book .
Debbie Does Just About Everyone in Akron , Ohio
Posted:Oct 31, 2017 6:15 pm
Last Updated:Nov 5, 2017 5:28 pm
If you're swinging an ax , chopping wood or the like not just swinging it around for laughs , and the head flies off the handle (that's the origin of the term flying off the handle BTW) and happens to massacre someone walking by - are you criminally liable in anyway ? A lot of people said this would be manslaughter but that doesn't sound right to me - I thought for manslaughter you had to be negligent in some way . This ax scenario seems akin to if you're driving along not speeding or being reckless or anything and the car in front of has a blow-out or something and you can't avoid them and smash into them - shitty luck but nothing criminal .

Unless they could somehow prove you knew the axhole was loose . Like you had taken the ax in to be fixed and then it cost too much so you just left . But even then if you were out chopping wood I think they'd have to also somehow prove that you knew that someone might be in the ax-head "danger zone" .

Of course now that I've written this if that ever does happen to me I will be accused of murder . Like that one Episode of the Practice where the dude has the club in the shape the edge of his table . Remember the Practice ? I do .

Once a long time I posted a version of the "Theseus Paradox" from John Dies at the End about an ax . I'll repost it here to pad this blog real nice .

Let’s say you have an ax . Just a cheap one, from Home Depot . On one bitter winter day , you use said ax to behead a man . Don’t worry , the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry , because you’re the one who shot him .

He had been a big , twitchy guy with veiny skin stretched over swollen biceps , a tattoo of a [BANNED] on his tongue . Teeth filed into razor-sharp fangs , you know the type . And you’re chopping off his head because , even with eight bullet holes in him , you’re pretty sure he’s about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face . On the follow-through of the last swing , though , the handle of the ax snaps in a spray of splinters . You now have a broken ax . So , after a long night of looking for a place to dump the man and his head , you take a trip into town with your ax . You go to the hardware store , explaining away the dark reddish stains on the broken handle as barbecue sauce . You walk out with a brand new handle for your ax .

The repaired ax sits undisturbed in your garage until the next spring when , on one rainy morning , you find in your kitchen a creature that appears to be a foot-long slug with a bulging egg sac on its tail . Its jaws bite one of your forks in half with what seems like very little effort . You grab your trusty ax and chop the thing into several pieces . On the last blow , however , the ax strikes a metal leg of the overturned kitchen table and chips out a notch right in the middle of the blade .

Of course , a chipped head means yet another trip to the hardware store . They sell you a brand new head for your ax . As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax , though , you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last yea r. He’s also got a new head , stitched on with what looks like plastic weed trimmer line , and it’s wearing that unique expression of “you’re the man who killed me last winter” resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life .

You brandish your ax . The guy takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy , rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams “That’s the same ax that slayed me !”

Is he right ?

In other news I was on the phone with tech support for a long time yesterday because the tech support people were having network issues themselves , which is obviously funny . The point is the lady said "sit and spin" at least 20 times during that conversation . Not like at me as in "well you can go sit and spin jerkface !" but things like "All we can do is sit and spin" .

That's the truest thing I've ever heard .

Also do people even say that anymore ? I feel like that's a bygone expression . Also I loved my sit and spin when I was a lad - I guess I was too fancy to just spin in circles on my own . The key was to lean your head forward on the handle so you didn't get dizzy . Another key was not doing it where your sisters would wail on you with a wiffleball bat .

I was listening to a podcast the other day about how snakes come up the drains in people's toilets (you see the sink and the show have a trap in them which dissuades snakes but the toilet does not - so that's where they go) and several of these tales had kids seeing the snake come out of the toilet and telling their parent and said parent not believing them . So I did one of my famous twitter polls asking people how old their kid had to have been before they would believe them when they said "there's a snake in the toilet" and I was surprised because most people said they would believe it regardless of age .

The other thing that surprised me was how many people when confronted with a snake in the toilet try to kill it . Seems like the wise move would be to call animal control or the like . Perhaps that's just me being fancy again though .

Remember in Snakes on Plane when the snake bites that dude's dick ? I do . That happens IRL a lot more than you'd think .

You know what else happens a lot more than you think ? People surviving lightening strikes . 90% live , although they're often really fucked up . How is that even possible ? A lightening bolt is 30,000 degrees Kelvin - that's 5-6 times hotter than the damn sun ! How can you survive that ?

Did you know that thunder is caused by the heat of the lightning rapidly increasing the temperate of the air and causing a shockwave effect ? I didn't . Also I don't even really understand it . Air expanding rapidly = a sound how ? Air the air smash into other slower air next to it ? What the heck even is a soundwave ?

Besides the most awesome Transformer .

And finally , this is not a complaint not a whiny way to say "I want more attention" but I am curious if there's anyone here who's been blogging as long and regularly as I have that less readers than me .

Also I'm curious how long most people stick around here . I've seen a lot of people come and go .
Virtual heat fence
Posted:Oct 30, 2017 6:03 pm
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2017 5:37 pm

So that Pete Gabriel Song "Sledgehammer" , that's about banging right ?

A while back someone said they were quitting blogland forever but then I saw them online the other day and I thought "what are they doing here ?" Then I remembered this is a fucksite where you go to find fuckbuddies not a blogsite . I forget that sometimes .

We had our annual stupid pumpkin decorating contest at work (not carving , if they let people have knives in there it would be a bloodbath) and since I'm leaving soon and have nothing to do I paid a tiny bit more attention than normal and what I noticed that out of the 5-6 pumpkins every department did almost universally 4 of them were the same - Oscar the grouch , a peacock , a candy-corn sea anemone with Nemo and Pennywise the Dancing Clown in a cardboard sewer grate . I assume this is because when you google pumpkin decorate ideas these are the first things that come up .

My first thought was "man the internet is really stifling creativity"

My second thought was "wait , these are dead-eye corporate serfs they have no creativity to stifle"

My third thought was "that's probably not true , they just probably don't care much about a stupid pumpkin carving contest and just participate enough to be part of the program'

My fourth thought was "I bet if you had a good pumpkin idea that would do way more to get the attention of your boss than anything your actual job entails"

It's a tricky thing to gauge though because I would say 97% of the time when I have had to work with people on anything they showed ZERO creativity , at best all they could do is spit out ideas from TV and movies , BUT they probably didn't give 4 shits about what we were doing anyway so it's hard to say if they have to creativity or just weren't trying .

Regardless I find it mildly ironic how many articles on the internet are titled "blank creative ideas for blank" because if you're taking someone else's idea is it still creative ?

Anyway , the company I will soon be leaving forever spends trillions of dollars making little brainwashing tchotchkes that everyone throws away immediately and I noticed today that they all say "for internal use only" . Which is stupid because why would anyone want steal this "intellectual property" but has to be there because they spent trillions on it .

Anyway anyway , although useless for anything that can make a corporate money (other than the media group that makes all this trash , and I guess the people that haul away the trash) I realized one of these things could be applied nicely to making sweet , sweet love to a lady's naughty bits . Such as ;

Loyalty - Keep your customers coming back

AKA - When you're making it sweet do it like you want to see this person again , don't just flip flop slop and hop - leave them wanting more .

Process - Make is easy for the customer

AKA - When your lady show's up for the meat slappin' already be naked and erect and lubed up . Remove all the roadblocks you can up front .

Expectations - Tell the customer what to expect and how long it will take

AKA - About 4 inches , probably like 88 seconds

Conversations - Keep the customer informed

AKA - Dirty talk

Resolutions - Resolve issues quickly and ask for help when needed

AKA - Don't be one of those assholes who takes forever to blast your load , just get it over with so you can watch Netflix . Also don't get all weird if she wants to bring in more dudes on the project , it's all about resolutions .

Transparency - Help the customer stay on top

AKA - Install one of them subway straps above your bed so she doesn't fall off

Performance - Celebrate achievements together

AKA - After the bonin' have some cake , party hats optional . Did I said optional , I meant mandatory .

You know in all the porn I've seen , and I've seen ALOT , I don't think I've ever seen party hat humpin' .

Speaking of , I was sorting through my porn the other day and I came across Strappin' White Boys #4 and it got me to wondering . Most women probably wouldn't do porn , the kind where they get fucked I mean , no matter how bad their financial situation is ; but I wondered if they were just strapping a dude how many that would bring across the line . Especially if they could wear a mask . It seems like that could sway a goodly number to make that move but perhaps I am being a jerkass man as per usual .

I was chatting about this with my buddy Erica today and she said something about how men would do porn at the drop of a hat , which isn't quite true , but I said to her I said "You're thinking about it the wrong way , the conundrum a woman faces of doing porn for money would be more like a straight-man doing gay porn for money I think ." For some reason she found this really offensive . I couldn't figure out why .

That was a classic lady move though "Well if you don't know why I'm mad I'm not going to tell you !"

I wonder how often that means they're not sure why they're mad , they just are .
Uncle Ted’s Hee-Haw Hoedown Country Rasslin’ Hootenanny and Clambake
Posted:Oct 29, 2017 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2017 5:41 pm

Did you know there's a chess match from 1851 that has had multiple books written and at least two movies made about it ? I didn't . The world is a wonderful place .

Time for a classic 40deuce grocery store tale . I got up super de duper early this morning to do the grocery shopping and I saw an item on the shelf called Cunt Nuts . I can only assume this product is manufactured by a country in which English is not the primary language (or perhaps a country where that particular word isn't an issue - that's possible right ? ) but still the store has to realize right ? I feel like the store manager would be like "Oh no , we can't put that out there" . But then I wondered , can they even do that ? If my dream of being the manager of a Hy-Vee comes true can I call that shot or am I a powerless figurehead who has to sell whatever comes in the door ?

Also a question - why is beef jerky so expensive ? I've never actually even tried it but since I'm off the sugar I keep considering it as a snack item and then I see it's like 10 damn dollars for a bag . What's the deal ? I can get a pound of actual hamburger for 3 bucks . Is it jerked lobster ?

Speaking of did you know there's some kind of green slime inside lobsters that rich people each as a delicacy ? Rich people are messed up .

After shopping I went to church for the first time in quite a while and I was checking out some of the ladies - which is wrong of course , and I'm not going to say that I couldn't help myself because I'm not a baboon , I could have made an effort not to do it , but for a dude like me that's the only time I get to see women looking really flossy for the most part . Occasionally a woman at work will really dress up but it's rare . I mean obviously these women put on their Sunday best for me to ogle them right ?

I hate to indulge in our cultural obsession with pretending things used to be better , but it does seem like we're living in slovenly times clothingwise . And I admit that I am no poster boy for dressing sharply but still it seems like half the people out there are in flip-flops and sweatpants most of the time . The real bummer for you lady types is that I am not a snappy dress at all but I'm still better dressed than a bunch of dudes running around out there in their faded concert Ts and cargo shorts . I've mentioned this before but you really notice that when you're in Vegas - you see this women all tricked out to the gills and then the dude with them looks one step above a vagrant .

Point is as services were letting out this kid days to his brother - I don't even think Satan is a big deal . So I says to him I says ;

"What , you think the Devil lives in some sort of condo down in Florida? Yeah-huh . See , see , the thing about people like you is that you think that the Devil lives in some sort of houseboat , just drinkin' daiquiris and listenin' to Jimmy Buffet . People like you think that the Devil lives in some sort of abandoned railroad car , just travelin' from state to state , eatin' sardines out of a can and tellin' stories to strangers , and pettin' his scraggly little dog that he has . See , people like you think that the Devil lives in some sort of magical hot air balloon kingdom , where he just zooms around on a Segway scooter and watches soap operas , and does Sudoku ! People like you think that the Devil lives in some sort of rundown laundry detergent factory , where he just eats candy canes out of a box that he has , and he just writes short stories , and twirls his hair ! You see , people like you think that the Devil is some sort of stowaway on Paul Simon's tour bus , just travelin' across America and eatin' Teddy Grahams , and when people fall asleep , spittin' them in their ears ! See , people like you , think that the Devil lives on some jewel-encrusted surfboard , just floatin' in the middle of a wave pool , just readin' romance novels , and thinkin' about boys ! People like you think that the Devil lives on a Hollywood movie studio set that's made to look like a World War II fighter jet and he just lounges around all day , gettin' baked , and callin' his friends and hangin' up on 'em !"

That's when I noticed he had walked away while I saw talking .

The other day I watched a video of porn stars trying to do math while on a Sybian . The whole premise of which is 100% flawed . First of all if there's anyone in this world who's NOT going to get distracted by having stuff shoved up their personal zones it's a porn star . That's what they do . Honestly I bet most of them don't even notice if something gets up there by accident . It makes no sense .

And secondly , and I really hesitate to express this thought because it's awful - how good do you think porn stars are at math anyway ? I mean I try to think of porn stars as people of normal intelligence but the sad fact is that 97% of the time when I see them in an interview or such they seem dumb as nails . And maybe that's just like a front they put on because they want men to want them and they think (possibly correctly) that seeming smart will hurt that , but it's something of a stretch that they'd all be doing it . I really hope they're working me with that , but I fear that they aren't .

Point is I declare porn stars doing math on a Sybian to be a failure of concept .

And that's the bottom line .
Blue Screen (opening scene)
Posted:Oct 28, 2017 2:42 pm
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2017 5:32 pm

Jeff’s phone chimed insistently for the twentieth time in the last few minutes . The small part of his mind that noticed dismissed it – that dweeb Hopper had been harassing him the last few days with his accusations of “plagiarism”, a notion so irrational it didn’t even signify a response . If anything the losers in his writing group were more likely to steal his work . But he barely noticed anyway – he had been writing feverishly for almost 9 hours straight . After being stuck with writer’s block for weeks the dam had finally broken when he verbally abused that barista at Blue Bottle . Not a real writer ? In a few months that bitch would be begging him for his dick pics . He grinned to himself thinking of it – she thought she was so hot and above him , he pictured her on her hands and knees in front of him – literally begging him . He’d wipe that annoying hot girl smirk off her face .

Women didn’t know their place anymore , that’s why everything was going crazy with the world now , Jeff didn’t see why no one else could understand that – and that’s why a book like the Owl Keeper’s Concubine was so important . A taut , erotic thriller was just the thing people needed to remind them of how things used to be – and how they could again . The Owl Keeper’s Concubine would be bigger than the Da Vinci Code , the Owl Keeper’s Concubine would be bigger than Harry Potter , it would even be bigger than Your Erroneous Zones !

They’d probably make it into a movie but Jeff didn’t care about that , the money would be great , but literature is how you change the world not film . No one seemed to understand that anymore either . Did the latest super-hero schlock change anything in the world ? Of course not . Writers still had that power as much as the world might be filling up with illiterate morons who didn’t recognize true genius when it sent them unsolicited dick pics .

He was so in the zone that at first he was annoyed when a window popped up on his ASUS K-Series Flagship Model laptop . I mean a pop-up ad ? What is this 2003 ? What’s next a Norah Jones song ? Madonna kissing Brittany Spears ? The dude from Three’s Company dying ? But it wasn’t an ad , it was a webcam shot of a bathroom through the door from a bedroom it looked like . He frowned , he was watching some porn earlier , did he forget to close a tab ? He had found a clip of a woman who looked a lot like the bitch from the coffee shop had had himself a good old time watching her get gang-banged but a bunch of roided-out mesomorphs .

He was pretty sure he had closed that window though . Oh well , no time for that now , he had really gotten rolling with the Owl Keeper’s Concubine and he was going to stick with it , he tried to close the window but for some reason it didn’t respond . He was on the verge of real anger , which is not a place he wanted to be – bad for the craft – when suddenly he gasped .

Julie ! That was Julie that just walked into frame wearing a towel . That sly little minx – he knew she was playing hard to get . All those time in group when she had given him the cold shoulder , always saying she was too busy for drinks , always criticizing his writing as “male-centric” , whatever that even means . Lately she had taken to telling him she had a boyfriend even – which was obviously a lie . And now here she was sending him live footage of herself taking a shower . What a hardcore slut . He knew it , she acted all snooty and demure but underneath it all she was just a bitch in heat like all the rest . He chuckled , he had to give her credit – leading him on all those months to finally let him know she was interested like this ? Baller move .

He hit save on version 47 of the Owl Keeper’s Concubine and watched with baited breath as Julie milled around the bathroom . He started to get annoyed because she wasn’t being very sexy , there was something very prosaic about her little movements – she didn’t even look back at the camera – but then he realized what she was doing . She was setting up a truly voyeuristic experience for him – she was acting like she didn’t know he was watching . She was making herself vulnerable instead of performing for him like a whore . Once he realized that it was driving him wild .

He was starting to get upset again at how long she was dragging things out when she finally dropped the towel . Jeff flinched as if subjected to a physical assault – somewhere deep , deep in his psyche was the part of him that never expected he’d ever get to see Julie naked . Her body was even more perfect than in his fantasies . But what really got him is when she let down and shook out her long dark hair – she always wore it up in group meetings , no matter how many times he told her she’d be more attractive if she let it down – and if she smiled more . She’s sometimes acted kind of pissy about his suggestions before but now here she was – clearly she had remembered . She didn’t smile obviously because that would have ruined the illusion but she knew what he liked and wanted to please him .

He got a special little charge when he noticed that she had a tattoo on her left ass cheek – a little pair of dice with the words “Hard Eight” . He never would have guessed but it turned out Julie was a naughty , naughty girl – he didn’t know exactly what it meant but he’d plenty of time to find out once they were together , once she was his . She must have gotten it at Tattoo 13 – the image of her pulling down her pants and exposing her plump , juicy buttocks to some skeezy tattoo artist almost made him cum . He traced his finger over his cock through his Bonobos Heathland Golf slacks just like he would trace the outline of that tattoo soon . As she stepped into the shower and turned on the water he laughed to himself “Don’t mind of I do” and jerked down his pants and his Mack Weldon Airknitx . As he grasped his shaft though he stopped .

Julie had gone to all this trouble to set this up – and he was just going to make it a quick rub and tug ? No , that wasn’t right . He needed to do this properly . His American Bombshell Fat Man butt plug was near at hand but his Kendra Lust Life Size Celebrity Booty Stroker was in the washing machine from earlier . He jumped up to grab it so quickly he forgot about his pants and tripped - his fall was cushioned by the layer of dirty clothing and discarded foodstuffs in his slovenly subterranean bedroom . He grabbed the carefully mold specially formulated TPE and gave it a quick rinse off under the sink , knocking over the pile of dirty dishes , before leaping back into his chair . He was afraid that Julie might be done but surely she was going to put on a nice long show for him .

He forced himself to calm down and take a deep breath before he forced the butt plug into himself and took that deep as well . He positioned the stoker in front of the keyboard and slopped a liter of ID Millennium Silicone Lubricant onto it , clumsy in his haste , and went to work . Soon enough he was pounding away like the true stud that he was – which Julie was going to found out in real life soon enough . Part of him wondered what it would be like to have sex without paying for it . It was at this point that Jeff started wishing that Julie would break character a little bit – she was showering in a very workmanlike manner . She could have made it a little sexier for Christssake – there’s no point in being married to a narrative to the point where it hurts what you’re trying to do .

They’d be plenty of time for him to teach her how to be sexy for him in the future – for now he’d just have to make due . He really got going when Julie stepped out of the shower and started to dry off . Now she was working it , toweling off her big bouncy boobs . And finally she did turn and look right at the camera . Jeff didn’t even notice the confused look on her face , as if she was saying “I don’t remember leaving my laptop there” as he popped himself out of the stoker and in the throes of passion was about to shoot his load directly onto the screen of his computer – directly onto Julie’s image .

That’s when the laptop clamped shut on his member . Jeff’s scream was so high-pitched and animal-like he didn’t even realize that it was coming from him at first . Jeff leapt up , knocking his chair over – the laptop somehow staying attached to his cock and pulling down with its dead weight . Having five pounds attached to your junk doesn’t seem like much , until it happens to you . The pain was mind-erasing . Falling into an agonized crouch Jeff grabbed the laptop and tried to force it open – only to feel a sudden pain in his fingers . He yanked his hands away , ripping them wide open and sending blood spraying everywhere . Were those . . . . teeth ?

Sobbing with pain Jeff wedged his shredded fingers into the laptop and bore down with all his strength trying to open the vise-like “jaws” – he’d never exerted himself physically so much in all his life . His face turned so red it was almost purple . The butt plug was ejected unceremoniously from his asshole . His limbs trembled with effort and sweat poured off his body to mingle with the blood on the ground . He couldn’t even budge it .

After a moment though the laptop fell away , hitting the pizza boxes on the floor an gently coming to rest . At first Jeff was relieved , but then he realized – he didn’t feel nearly as much pain “down there” anymore . Whimpering he slowly forced himself to look down at the bloody nightmare between his thighs . He moaned as he saw the ruins of his once mighty male genitalia . Remember Hedwig and the Angry Inch ? Jeff was barely left with a pissed off centimeter .

He toppled to the floor lifelessly . He tried to scream , to shout , but he was hyperventilating so badly that he couldn’t catch his breath enough to do anything but make soft chuffing sounds . Was he having a heart attack as well ? Does getting your dick cut off cause heart attacks ? Marshalling what little fortitude he had he started to shakily pull himself to the table where his phone sat – occasionally still buzzing tenaciously .

Blood pumped out of his body at a furious rate , he felt his life draining away , but he was able to drag himself over and grab the phone . His hands were slippery with blood and he dropped it several times – he giggled hysterically thinking that it’s a good thing he got the OtterBox Defender Series iPhone Case . He barely managed , whole body trembling , to punch the three numbers 9-1-1 and when the voice came “911 what’s your emergency ?” he saw it .

The blood , HIS blood , was running towards the laptop like iron filings being attracted to a magnet . The blood was being sucked into a small port of the side of the machine . And he could swear that he heard . . . . SLURPING . His phone dropped numbly out of his hand as he watched every single drop of blood being impossibly drawn into his computer . Just before he passes out Jeff the laptop opens back up and inexplicably turn the screen towards him , where just for a moment a blank white face appears and whispers “The Owl Keeper’s Concubine is terrible Jeff . . . .”

We then pan down to see the text messages on the phone ;

“Jeff is something weird going on with your laptop ?”
“Are you there , I think something strange is going on ?”
“Jeff I think you should stay off your computer for a while , some weird stuff is going on with some of the people in the group .”
“Jeff are you there ?”
“Jeff don’t touch your laptop ! Text me back as soon as you can .”
“Jeff you need to call me immediately !”
Into the mud, scum queen!
Posted:Oct 26, 2017 12:26 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2017 2:45 pm

The groin kick parade continues - I can't believe I forgot about the Man with Two Brains (horrible movie by the way) wherein Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr nails Kathleen Turner in the zone as they scuffle . Technically this doesn't belong on the list since there's no zinger afterwards but we're thin on pussy kicks so I'll allow it .

Speaking of Steve Martin body-swapping films when I was a lad I loved All of Me , I wonder if it holds up as an adult .

Speaking of movies in general I really like the movie Phone Booth , I watch it every time it on the TV , but I found out today that the year before a movie came out with basically the same plot - Liberty Stand Still . Also due to some kind of industry cock-up it never got a theatrical release and went straight to DVD . It's pretty mediocre but it has Linda Fiorentino in it and there's nothing wrong with that you know what I'm saying ? You ever see the Last Seduction ? Ohh buddy ! Anyway it's interesting how often there's a shittier version of a successful movie that actually came out before it .

I quit watching the news many years ago but when I did I usually watched the BBC news on PBS – it seemed a lot more , you know , newsy than the infotainment that passes as news on American TV . Plus I found it really interesting to see how different stories were presented about the US from the POV of another country .
I was thinking about that today so I checked out a forum where people from other country post travel tips about coming to the US – a lot of it was obvious stuff like we don’t use the metric system , we constantly talk about how great our country is and our money is all the same size and color (which is weird apparently) but there was some really interesting stuff on there .

Ice – Apparently ice in drinks a US thing . People from other countries think they’re getting ripped off with a watered-down drink . Several people also said you shouldn’t get ice in your drink because the water quality in the US is poor . Don’t drink the water !

Smiling – A lot of people are freaked out by how much everyone smiles , even at strangers ! I never smile at anyone , clearly I should be in a different country . Also people think Americans laugh too much . In this same vein small talk , especially with strangers , is not a thing in other countries . One person suggested that we’re all friendly because we’re a nation of immigrants . Which is “funny” given all the immigrant bashing .

On the flip side it turns out that Americans like a lot of personal space compared to the world norm . Several people noted “even minimal physical contact is a bit too intimate for most Americans” . I guess in other places they’re just playing grab-ass all the time .

Here’s a quote from a dude in Japan "In America, you can make mistakes, fail, and it doesn't matter. It is a fundamental feeling that to sometimes be incorrect is natural , rather than thinking about mistakes and failures, American's have curiosity and say, 'Let's try anyway!'"

Advertising – Be prepared to be assaulted with ads everywhere warned a lady from the UK

There’s a fantastic thread where some people in the UK try to understand tailgating and just US sports-mania in general . It’s particularly bewildering since college football is basically a professional sports league .

From the UK again - “Americans can't have just one thing. It has to come in blueberry, vanilla, diet, low fat, low sodium, big, small, round and GRAPE, everything is grape flavoured. Nothing is grape flavoured in the UK."

This also ties in to a TON of posts about how much food they shove at you in the US – several people commented that if you order something in a restaurant it’s going to be ten times more food than you’re expecting . Also it sounds like taking the leftovers home with you is only a thing in the US – several said they thought that would lead to food poisoning .

I saw things like this a bunch of times "should definitely be noted that nude bathing, and even changing clothes on the beach, can be construed as indecent exposure and therefore may cause problems” . We’re such prudes . (about nudity , violence 100% okay)

Booze – We don’t drink enough of it , also we have laws about who can drink it , this is apparently quite odd . Also our beer stinks .

Pumpkin everything – No one else cares about pumpkin flavoring . But what do they think of David S Pumpkins , that’s the question .

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