Will truth for sex , god bless
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Mississippi Queen
Posted:Sep 24, 2017 1:20 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2017 5:17 pm
Time for a 40deuce classic - the grocery store anecdote . Remember that few weeks when I had my groceries delivered and realized I had nothing to talk about ? Dark times .

I was at the grocery store this morning and there was this family ahead of me being really loud . I saw a large spider on the ground - and I mean LARGE - and I said "my god" . And then said family quickly scurried away because they thought I was saying that about them .

The spider zipped away in the general direction of the Halloween tchotchkes and I thought 'man , Halloween must be a great time to be a spider , there's webs for them everywhere" . But as I was driving home I realized that I was dead wrong - it's a terrible time to be a spider because there are FAKE webs everywhere . Those are non-functioning webs , they don't catch ANY drain flies . So it's probably a confusing time to be a spider . At first you're like "sweet , free web" and then you're like "why am I starving to death" .

Or maybe the spiders know there's no such thing as a free web .

Wrestling is in a boom time right now and someone asked me why and I said what I have been saying all along - professional wrestling as a whole has been deemed a more rational , coherent form of political discourse than the American electoral system .

Now time for the first round of the 80's movie villain challenge . Who was the ultimate 80's movie villain ?

Hans Gruber - Die Hard against Biff Tannen - Back to the Future
Ivan Drago - Rocky 4 against Clarence Boddicker - RoboCop
"Mama" Fratelli - the Goonies against Edward R. Rooney - Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Freddie Kruger - A Nightmare on Elm Street against The Terminator - Terminator

Now you may be asking - was Rooney really a villain ? Wasn't he just a dude trying to do his job ? Wasn't Ferris Bueller the real asshole in that story ? Ferris was perhaps a Villain Protagonist but the movie was basically for kids - so of course the villain was the dude trying to stop the kids from having a good time . I mean 20 years later when Ferris is a late 30s corporate snow-job artist things are different .

Cast your vote now !

You can also vote for the best porn parody out of the bunch if you like but ONLY if you've seen them all ;

Die Mega Hard
Back to the Boner
Cocky 4
Goonies XXX
Ferris Bueller's Jack Off Day Off
A Wet Dream on Elm Street
The Penetrator

Some of you may be saying what about Johnny "Put him in a body bag" Lawrence from Karate Kid , why isn't he in the bracket . Simple he's an 80's movie BULLY not and 80's movie villain , and there's a difference . The villain of that movie was the Cobra Kai instructor and he was just an okay villain . There will definitely also be an 80 movies bully bracket but that's not what we're doing now .

Also as long as I'm asking questions no one will answer let me ask you this - if you could have sex with a voice what voice would you most want to have sex with . And for the purposes of this discussion Morgan Freeman is OUT because that's the obvious choice .
A shark's chum
Posted:Sep 23, 2017 3:46 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2017 12:51 pm

I bet the worst thing about being a wrestling referee is that you never catch your wife cheating .

Read this if you haven't already Speaking of Recycling

Now that I know how to write erotica I've decided to give it a turn .

She was a hotel detective . We were in the state of Connecticut . We talked about the role of the France–Habsburg rivalry in prolonging the 30 Years' War . Suddenly we were confronted with a knife-wielding CHUD . I cringed in fear . She attacked the beast with a Supple Lasagna Kick like a Kung Fu Hustler . She kissed me Swedishly . I dropped her a sassy wink . She gently fingered my asshole . I rubbed my hands over her middle back . We moved to set of the Voice to be more comfortable . I sang "the Hips Don't Lie" . She summoned the Demon Prince Furz-al-lab to stand was witness , who as we all know has 50% physical damage resistance and a soft damage cap of 75 .

We took turns pleasuring each other with strawberries . As our passion reached the bursting point we realized that you don't have to a virgin to practice abstinence and that there are ways to be intimate with someone that don't involve sexual activity and that it is a sin in the eyes of god to have sex outside of the holy rite of marriage . We moved together like Anastasia Davydova and Anastasiya Yermakova at the 2004 Olympics . I crushed her in a bear hug and came . She yell "100 points !" and fell down the stairs . We spooned together peacefully , took a shower together to conserve water and then got dressed and got away from each other as quickly as possible .

Only then did we remember the sea captain . He would have his revenge . . .

In your brain there's something called Adenosine and it only wants to hang out with certain receptors - and when they get together you get drowsy . When caffeine shows up it attaches to those receptors so Adenosine cannot - because those receptors are sluts and caffeine if is a dude with a motorcycle and Adenosine is left to watch porn and jerk it . When the pituitary gland figures out that you're not getting tired it doesn't know that the hell is going on so it thinks there's something bad going on - it starts shooting out adrenaline and dopamine so you can fight like Captain Kirk and endure pain like Bill Shatner's acting coach . And that's why caffeine is addictive . Like guys with motorcycles .

When you drink the booze (I suggest War Juice - whiskey and crab blood) first it hits your cerebral cortex . This makes you more talkative and uninhibited - you know the kind of uninhibited I mean . If you keep drinking the booze infiltrates your hippocampus , this makes you memory get a little wonky and exaggerates your emotions - you know the emotions I mean . If you drink even more the cerebellum gets doused - this effects your coordination and leads to really awkward blowjobs . If you still keep drinking the next stop is your medulla which normally does things like makes you heart beat and your breathers breath and when you but the booze it in it stops doing those things . You could probably keep drinking for a few seconds after this happens .
Watergeuzen for life
Posted:Sep 20, 2017 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2017 3:03 pm

Someone asked me why in my newest blog title I used a plus sign instead of an ampersand . It's because I hate ampersands . Because they look like a stick figure dude dragging his ass on the ground like a dirty dog .


Remember the movie Cowboys VS Aliens ? It was a decent movie . One of my friend's dad talked for 9 solid minutes about how Olivia Wilde was naked in it but you couldn't really see anything . It was uncomfortable .

I was thinking today that that movie would have been fantastic if it had instead been about the Dallas Cowboys being attacked by the aliens from the Alien franchise . The premise is that the New England Patriots are coming to town for a critical game and being the cheaters that they are Bill Belicheck himself sneaks into the Cowboy's locker room and plants an alien egg in Jason Witten's locker . Stopping to strangle a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader with his hoodie who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time .

"You're not supposed to be here . . ."

Some of the classic scenes - A alien bursting out of the chest of Jerry Jones . Joe Buck being eviscerated . Tony Romo throwing a bomb like a football that is caught by the alien Queen and then quipping "touchdown . . . bitch" as it esplodes . At the end when all hope is lost Troy Aikman appears to save the day - only to be killed by the Predator . They've been after old #8 for a while .

Remember the good old days when you'd get off school and pile into your dad's two-decker frigate and try to blockade the Flemish coast from Spanish commerce raiding of Dutch herring fisheries ? Those were good times . But we all have to grow up right ? I should organize a good old fashioned Flemish coast blockade like once a year with the old gang before we get too old . To relive some of those glory days .

And now a story . When I was a lad there used to be a kid who'd take my backpack every day and dump out all the contests on the ground while we were waiting for the bus so everyone else could have a good laugh at my expense . One time while I was fighting to keep said backpack it broke and I had to ask my momma for a new one . She of course asked why it broke and I told her . What I didn't know is that my sisters had overheard .

So I get my new backpack , I go out to wait for the bus , stronger tougher kid takes it away from me and dumps it out - as per usual - only this time instead of notebooks and texts and pencils and whatnot said backpack was full of naked headless Barbie dolls . My sisters had stealthily removed it's normal contents and replaced it with their old toys - after first removing the clothes and heads . So from thereon out I was known as the freak you had a bunch of naked headless Barbies in their backpack and the torments I endure at the hands of my classmates increased tenfold . And of course I didn't have my books and such for school so I got detention .

Now you're probably thinking "40 you knew what your sisters were , why did you have your backpack where they could get it ?" That's the kicker , I kept my backpack locked in a drawer in my desk just to they couldn't mess with it . How did they get it ? Glad you asked . Sister #1 had a friend by the name of Sally that I had a crush on so she enlisted Sally's help to both steal the key and then lure me out of my room with her bosoms so that they could perpetrate this scheme . Sally laughed the most of all when I came home humiliated and crying .

"enough 40 , we get it , you were bullied , move on with your life - you're 40 years old for God's sake"

I'm not telling this story for that I'm telling it because it contains several valuable life lessons and I want to share the benefit of my experiences with you .

First of all the lesson is lie - lie all the time . The truth gives people the power to destroy you . Had I just told my mom I had broken the backpack none of this would have ever happened .

Second lesson - If someone attractive is being nice to you , it's a trap . Good looking people are assholes - they only pretend to be friendly to fuck you over .

Third lesson - No one is on your side . You are on your own in this life . Your family loves you , truly , and they still work against you .

Fourth lesson - Don't be distracted by bosoms

Here's a bonus lesson . When I was super young I was a target because I was sensitive and it was easy to make me cry . Once I figured that out I killed my emotions and became a robot - but that also makes you a target because people are like "this guy never reacts to anything , we need to REALLY fuck him over to make him react" . The only thing you can do once your blood is in the water and the sharks start circling you is get really into cocaine and then bring a sharpened screwdriver to school and jam it in Stevie Nicks (not the famous one) belly like Robbie Carmichael did . Sure he ended up in prison for burglary and check kiting but no one picked on him after that . Mostly because he got expelled .

In conclusion I have the desire sometimes to write a really offensive blog as if I was dude-bro talking about all the chicks I've banged . Because I think it would funny . Which it wouldn't be . But I still think about doing it . Part of the reason I think it would funny (which it wouldn't) is imagining someone reading my blog for the first time and thinking that I'm really like that . I guess maybe I like upsetting people .

Which isn't cool .
I only do ass to mouth
Posted:Sep 19, 2017 6:13 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2017 7:58 pm

I finally got that rare Nine Inch Nails song installed in my house . The winter version of Blower On Burner On is a stone cold classic .

My DVR is starting to go wonky on my so I'll probably have to get a new one . Which is a real shame because I have TONs of stuff on there I haven't watched . Tons . And you have to wonder , if I have watched it do I really need it ? Yes , yes I do . So I looked into downloading my recorded programs to an external hard-drive and you want to know what's friggin' classic about that ? You can do that , but then when you try to connect your external hard drive to the new DVR it re-formats the drive and you lose all your shit anyway . Makes you wonder why it's even an option .

The word on the street is that with Dish network you can transfer your stuff over which makes me wonder - what does DirecTV have to gain by making it so you can't ? One of my technocrat buddies explained that DirecTV makes it like this on purpose but I can't figure out why . How does that benefit them ?

Speaking of , a dude at work was very earnestly explaining that dinosaurs are still around but that the government keeps it under wraps . He 100% believes that he he saw a pterodactyl and that the FBI shot it and covered it up . And I asked him why would they do that . Which I feel is the big flaw in a lot of conspiracy theories . If the earth was flat why would anyone go through the trouble of making us all think it was round ?

Aliens I get , if they existed and were coming around probing the anuses of the American public people would lose their shit . But dinosaurs ? People would be delighted if they were still running around . Thanks to Sam Neil and Chris Pratt I'm pretty 11% of the people in the world think dinosaurs are still around . So I don't see the harm .

Could you fix my printer for me ? It'll only take a minute if your time . If you can't I totally understand . I mean we're friends and all but I won't be offended if you don't want to . . . . really I wont .

Sorry about the rat's nest of cables and the dust . I bought my computer after Windows 95 came out and I haven't really vacuumed under there since then . Also Captain Claws had a few accidents under there an urine is hard to get out of carpet .

My computer is SO slow can you make it faster ? I've downloaded everything I've found on the internet , never once un-installed a program and my porn collection extends into the terabytes but I think the slowness is Microsoft's fault . I have this AVI 3some-girl-dragon-and-troll that's taking up 600 MBs but I need to keep that for my taxes .

Hey so this thing popped up that asked me if I wanted to download super-silly-funtime-and-free-tacos.exe and I installed it of course , who wouldn't install that ? If there's one thing my grandma taught me it's that you never turn down free tacos . But now there's all these pop-ups and my mouse cursor is shaped like a can of refried beans , can you fix that ?

Can you hook me up with a free copy of Final Cut Pro ? I know how clever you are with these things . Also I'm trying to get this lens flare to work on a picture of Captain Claws and I can't ! I've e-mailed you a 75 MB uncompressed TIFF file . Please fix it and send back .

Hey man , Barbara backed up the toilet here real bad so I think I need your computer expertise to come over and take a look at it .

You can make me a website right ? I need a 20 minute flash intro and then have the "click to enter" button burst into flames and make it jump around so the user has to chase it . My budget is about $0 but were friends so it's cool right ?

Captain Claws ate my only HD cable . Do you think you can get him to vomit it up and still make it work ?

In other news the cute lady that moved in across the street was outside her house at 6 AM this morning having a set-to with what I assume was/is her boyfriend . She said several times that he was not allowed in her house . So there's that . She looked pretty good in those pink sleep pants though I tell you what .
Inbox zero
Posted:Sep 17, 2017 8:02 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2017 5:49 pm

I tell you this the lady moving in across the street is pretty dang cute . This morning I was sitting on my porch drinking diet pineapple soda and shouting at her dumb kids to get out of my line of sight for ogling while she moves boxes I realized something . Things have been pretty cold and light (the opposite of hot and heavy , see what I did there ? ) for me for a while but in about 10 years all these single moms I don't want to get involved with right now will be child-free and DTF . And I won't have a ton of competition because all the other dudes my age will be trying to bang co-eds like the monsters they are . The unfortunate thing is that in ten years my dick probably won't work anymore . It's one of life's many cruel jokes .

If you were getting shaggy with someone and it was about time to get down to the meat slappin' and your partner stopped for a second to offer a prayer of thanksgiving to God how much would that freak you out ? Because I feel like if you were non-religious it would be weird but if you were religious it would also be weird because praying for sex isn't really "okay" . If there's one thing religions of the world can agree on it's that sex is wicked and should be done with shame .

I don't know if it's true or not but the book I'm reading mentioned in passing that the Talmud has a dietary restriction against eating dirt . And I wonder why this would be necessary . I mean who eats dirt ? Turns out that in some of the more impoverish places in the world they do put small amounts of sugar in mud , dry and eat it just to have something filling their bellies . But even so after I thought about it for a while I assume that restriction (if true) is just more to get people to clean their food before eating it rather than worrying about people actually shoving handfuls of dirt into their maw .

Although there are some possibly bullshit accounts of people with thyroid issues feeling compel to eat dirt .

TLW got back from her second trip to India for work and we were chatting yesterday about some of the fantastic things she had seen as well as some of the horrible things she's seen due to the poverty many people there are within . And then not 11 minutes later I was talking to a buddy of mine who was complaining that he never got time to play video games anymore because of all the TV shows he "had" to watch . I don't know what that is , it's not irony , but it's something .

And your first reaction is to condemn video game guy - how can you be worried about something so stupid when people in India are suffering like this ? But are we really any different ? I'm sitting here writing a blog right now , what have I ever done to help anyone ? Nothing , that's what .

Speaking of my work is in the middle of their annual United Way blitzkrieg and I have really come to loath the UW to an unhealthy degree . And it's not really their fault . Although I suppose they did choose to partner with a corrupt corporate oligarchy . But is it really wrong for a charity to take money from the wicked ? Some people would say that it is , but I'm sure the people who are helped by the UW don't give a shit where the money comes from .

I know I wouldn't anyway .

I've been on a quest for a new belt lately since my old one broke (insert fat joke here) but nothing I'm finding is really to my liking . It doesn't help that I hate belts . How is that when I was (sort of) skinny I didn't need a belt but now that I'm fat I do ? That seems backwards doesn't it ? I suppose maybe my fat belly pushes the pants down ? I don't know man .

The point is what do you do with old belts ? Goodwill doesn't want them . I tried to give them to the local BSDM club but they accused me of being a "narc" . First of all I do not look like a narc - I look like a doofus . And secondly unless you're involved in the drug trade why would you be worried about a narc ? I feel like if you're worried about narcs all you're doing is drawing attention to your illegal drug trafficking .

Oh man a movie about BDSM drug traffickers ? That would have done gangbusters in the early 90's .

Rob Lowe in the role of Lance Beverly the cop who goes undercover to infiltrate the Silk Cord Gang and get's in too deep - can he ever come back to being normal or is he doomed to a live of sexual deviancy ?

Jimmy Smits as Sergeant Abraham Mendoza his tough as nails Catholic partner who's trying to solve the case while keeping Lance from going over the edge while dealing with trouble at home .

Peta Wilson as the mysterious Mistress X - Lance's target in the sting who harbors a dark secret

Teri Hatcher as Beverly Beverly Lance's wife , you know she does movie cop wife shit - cries softly while doing laundry , ask when he's coming home , dies in the second act , is never mentioned in any of the sequels , etc.

Steven Weber as the revolting Mr. Wet the leader of the BDSM drug cult

Lea Thompson as Candy Cane - the stripper who's serves as Lance's guide into the seamy underbelly of kinky shit , her performance will be described as "unconvincing" and people will be pissed that she doesn't get naked in the film

Kevin Nash as henchman #2

Jenna Jameson as girl in sex dungeon
If you have legs and are flamable you are never blocking a fire exit
Posted:Sep 16, 2017 1:08 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2017 5:28 pm

I almost got into a fistfight the other day because a dude insisted that "Radar" from the TV show MASH was called radar because he "operated the radar machine" . First of all this was a medical drama , there was no radar machine . Secondly this was the Korean War , radar was barely a thing . And thirdly those things don't matter because he was called radar on account of knowing what his CO wanted before he said it .

I watched that show religiously when I was a kid but I have NO idea why . I was too young to understand any of the jokes or even what was going on really . I was a TV addict sure , but that doesn't explain why I watched THAT show .

I've never seen the movie , I hear it's quit a different animal .

MASH is interesting because it remained popular despite several of the main characters leaving - generally that's the kiss of death for a show . I mean who gave a crap about the Office after Michael Scott left ? Nobody that's who .

Trapper was replaced by BJ
Colonel Blake was replaced by Colonel Potter
Frank was replaced by Winchester
Radar was replaced by Klinger (sort of)

You could say that Hawkeye was the protagonist so these were all ancillary characters , but they were major characters regardless .

A direct correlation between the amount of television one watches and the amount of fear one harbors about the world has been proven , although the direction of causality remains debatable in that persons fearful of the world may be more likely to retreat from it and in turn spend more time in indoor , solitary activity such as television watching .

One of the many , many , MANY things that irritates me is when people make assumptions about the direction of causality . One that is persistent is that violent video games cause violent actions when it seems much more likely that people who are violent are going to play violent video games .

News coverage of missing black women is more likely to focus on the victim’s baggage , such as abusive boyfriends or a troubled past , while coverage of white women tends to focus on their roles as mothers or daughters .

I used to think that the subtle racism of lowered expectations was all we had to deal with in these modern times racism wise . I was wrong .

Women in Refrigerators is a website created in 1999 by a group of feminists and comic book fans that lists examples of the comic book trope whereby female characters are injured , killed , or depowered as a plot device , and seeks to analyze why these plot devices are used disproportionately on female characters . It refers to an incident in Green Lantern #54 in which Kyle Rayner , the titular Green Lantern , comes home to his apartment to find that his girlfriend , Alexandra DeWitt , had been killed by the villain Major Force and stuffed into a refrigerator .

Pop quick there is also a Porn Star named Major Force - True or False ?

Geuzen was a name assumed by the confederacy of Calvinist Dutch nobles , who from 1566 opposed Spanish rule in the Netherland s. The most successful group of them operated at sea , and so were called Watergeuzen . In the Eighty Years' War, the Capture of Brielle by the Watergeuzen in 1572 provided the first foothold on land for the rebels , who would conquer the northern Netherlands and establish an independent Dutch Republic .

I tell you I'm not one of those people who cares about having a "legacy" or "accomplishing things" but I wouldn't mind establishing an independent republic of one kind of another .

The State of the Union address is a method of compressing partisan lies into an hour-or-two-long speech .

The annual speech tells Congress and the entire United States what The President thinks . It is received in a room full of crusty and aging legislators who long ago lost their souls and have no lodestar except the desire to :

1.Bask in the reflected glory of the President's presence

2.Have all their impressionable constituents watch them doing so and thereby get the impression they have a fraction of the President's charisma

Federal law provides that , in addition to his annual salary of $400,000 the President gets one evening a year in a chamber where a crowd of fawning wannabes will deliriously applaud him for saying nothing of substance and where everyone in the country can see that they did . This is not just a fringe benefit for the President, as it reassures even the most incompetent American citizen that his poorest and most meaningless work might have someone welcome it , by virtue of the welcomer being even worse - or might lead to a lifetime sinecure , if he can simply find a boss who is eager to be surrounded by suck-ups .

In the early 1970's Norway a man called Jon Almaas fought Chuck Norris . After losing the climatic battle Norris killed his dog to make it more humiliating for Jon . Almaas swore revenge and started his training . After years of barfights , mutilations and televised speeches by George Bush he had perfected the ultimate style of fighting : The Norwegian Barfighting Method .

Almaas , considering himself ready for revenge, ran to Finland and stole 500 (more or less) gallons of the purest vodka , none of which has ever been recovered . He then started the long journey to Zanzibar , where Chuck awaited the ultimate battle for our souls . The two fighting deities met on top of the tallest mountain on all of Zanzibar , which at the time was about 50 feet above sea level and was actually a house painted grey . Witnesses have accounted that even the Sun was scared like crap and ran away . Without warning , Chuck took the first attack ; a crushing roundhouse kick . The same witnesses were struck to the ground , most of whom had their eyes sporked out , later accounted that it seemed like Chuck missed Almaas . Jon then bitch slapped Chuck and slid between his legs , jumped on Chuck's back and bit Chuck's head off . Chuck Norris then fell to his knees , momentarily blinded . Almaas then put on his vintage golf shoes and kicked Chuck so hard in his testicles that God winced . After this , Chuck disappeared in a puff of smoke .

The Norwegian Military was so impressed with what they heard , that they made it their official style of fighting . It has been theorized that the Chuck Norris Almaas killed was actually Chuck Norris' brother , Huck on account of Chuck Norris not being dead . This theory however has done nothing to end his eternal rise to fame as the inventor of the worlds deadliest fighting method .
I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm witnessing
Posted:Sep 13, 2017 8:10 pm
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2017 12:26 pm
I remember seeing Planes , Trains and Automobiles as a youth as thinking it sucked . But seeing it as an adult it's not bad . Usually it's the other way around - something I loved as a kid sucks when viewed through adult eyes . It's definitely chocked full of some good quotes if you're into that kind of thing .

Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car right fucking now.

Del: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

I was listening to a podcast today about the history of the Texas Rangers and the dude took a moment to address slavery in Texas . And that's where the dude lost me . He said "I am not defending slavery" and then said a whole bunch of stuff that certainly seemed like he was defending slavery . One thing that people often like to say in these discussions is "you can't judge people in the past by today's standards" . First of all I absolutely can , and secondly I'm not - as long as there has been slavery there were people saying "this isn't okay" . It bummed me out .

Speaking of I broke my sugar embargo today and ate a cookie .

Amusingly when I got home there was an "article" on MSN about how eating sugar is totally fine - I assume sponsored by the US Sugar Growers Association .

I'm not gonna congratulate you on your child , there's an overpopulation problem . And somehow this makes me the dick . That's democracy for you .

Why does the word ambiguous only have one meaning ?

How did Thunderbird four get back out of the water into its pod and how did Thunderbird two retrieve the pod and where was Gordon during all this ?

If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants , are your pants tucked into your shirt ?

I hate a lot of things about myself . One of the top five is when something bad happens to me at first I'm all like "boo hoo , woe is me , the world is meaningless , waa-waa I'm a dumb baby" and then when I deal with it I'm all like "I am the greatest man alive ! I have persevered against all the odds ! Suck my dick everyone !" When really it wasn't a big deal . It's an overreaction both ways .

So what the heck is this 'mother !' movie about anyway ?
So long forever blogland ! (see you tomorrow)
Posted:Sep 9, 2017 7:35 am
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2017 7:49 pm
As I was deleting all the Louis CK comedy specials off my DVR (turns out he's a real piece of shit - if you ever see him throw a rock at his head , you may go to jail but it will be worth it) and thinking about all the people/things that I have to boycott due to their various misdeeds I realizes Men.Date - Gay Dating - Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now - should really be on that list . There's tons of people doing shady shit on here and if I had the courage of my convictions I wouldn't patronize such a place . Especially because it's not like I'm even trying to get laid , I'm 'just here to blog' . Talk about a flimsy excuse . "Ah no , no , I need to be on Men.Date - Gay Dating so the three people that read my blog will now what I think about what happened on TV last night ." And yet here I am .

I don't want to be one of those people who's always whinging on about "the blogs are no good anymore" , "the blogs aren't what they used to be" , "back in my day there was a real blog community" etc. etc. but looking around what even is this place anymore ? Seems to mostly to be points giveaways . I get that people come and go but it seems like there's no new blood coming in - just people leaving .

Anyway , my Amazon account got fucked in the ass by hackers so to be on the safe side I cancelled all my credit cards which means until I get new ones I'm paying cash money homie . This morning I took out my actual money and the person behind me in line at the store made the "can you believe this GUY" noise . But I don't understand why . I give them the money they give me my change - takes 8 seconds . Putting your card into the chip reader and waiting and signing and all that take way longer . Why are people giving me the business for paying with real money ? I don't get it .

The point is you're got 7-10 days where I'll actually have money on me if you want to rob me .

Remember that time in HS when that dude pulled a knife on me and my buddy Joey Abs and he was all like "give me your money !" . We were teenagers in a barely functional 77 Datsun Station Wagon - why did he think we had any money ? I hope he enjoyed the tokens for the arcade we had . I was super afraid to go anywhere for a couple weeks after that (on account of I'm a nancy-boy as you know , but not the good BSDM kind) but eventually I said to myself "he just wanted money he wouldn't have actually hurt us" . Then the next week he was in the paper for stabbing a dude .

My best friend was always talking about the shenanigans on her neighborhood page so I joined mine a while back - up until now there's been a few items of minor enjoyment but today I hit paydirt . Big time .

Someone posted that a woman in our neighborhood died because she kept "a chest of sex devices" in her sun room and the heat made said sex devices emit toxins and said toxins built up in said sunroom and suffocated her . Magnifique !

ONE person said what appears to be the truth - that no one died and said neighbor is perfectly fine making the whole story complete bunk .

A couple people said that the sex toy aspect was BS and that she died of heart attack .

A BUNCH of people got into a big fight about sex toys quickly forming two camps - the 'sex toys are for gross deviants and I hope they die' group and the "a woman having a vibrator is not a big deal camp' . Once they ran out of mean things to say about each other they started posting polls and strangely almost every poll had the same results 60% to 40% - it's almost like they had entrenched themselves in their position and there was no opportunity for any kind of productive dialog .

I am mildly disturbed that 60% of the people in my neighborhood believe that sex outside of marriage is more physically dangerous than driving .

2016 Iowa Auto Fatalities - 404
2016 Iowa Sex Fatalities - 0

Iowa Sex Fatalities would be a good name for my experimental rock trio . Anyway it was a real hoot reading this insane bullshit they were "shouting" at each other . And I needed a pick me up because this week sucked a big hairy dick .

In other awesome news I've got a bunch of acne on my ass . Why is that happening ? I someone smearing bacon grease on my ass while I sleep ? Why would they do that ? Don't I have enough problems ?

Sometimes when people threaten me I think of that scene in Bad Santa where Billy Bob laughs bitterly at the woman who says she's going to speak to his manager and he says "You think you can make my life any fucking worse ? Go ahead , take a shot" but then I tell myself that I shouldn't think that because it can ALWAYS be worse . Always .

Like whatever bad shit you're going through you have to ask yourself - are you on fire ? If the answer is 'no' then your situation could be worse . Because you could have all your current problems and also be on fire .
Butt punchers butt punching blog
Posted:Sep 6, 2017 6:43 pm
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2017 7:11 pm

A dude getting bitten on the dick by a snake has officially happened enough times it can no longer be termed "news of the weird" . Please adjust accordingly .

You know what I've never heard of ? Well a lot of things actually but specifically I've never heard of a snakebite to the pussy . I suppose that's mostly because pussies don't hang outside your pants . I mean even if a woman is peeing in rattlesnake country the chances of her getting bitten in the actual pussy are slim .

Plus it seems like strippers and snakes have reached some kind of accord .

One time a dude told me that my blog sucked because all I ever do is talk about things I saw rather than things I did - which meant that I was a loser who never does anything .

To continue yesterday's topic of ass-grabbery and weird man anger one time I was at a bar with my friends Tracy and Mariachi Jimmy and as she was trying to squeeze through the crowd a dude grabbed Tracy's ass and her immediate reaction was to spin and face MJ and say " Don't punch him !" . Her second reaction was to turn back to the guy and give him an earful . That was second . Consider that . So anyway MJ swears to Tracy that he won't punch and guy - and then as soon as she was out of eyeline he grabbed the dude and headbutted him . Cut to 18 seconds later , we're all outside and Tracy and MJ are screaming at each other and he's saying "You told me not to punch him , I didn't punch him , you said not to punch him and I didn't , etc. etc." Shockingly this didn't assuage her anger .

What I have always wondered is did Mariachi Jimmy really think that she wouldn't be mad ? Because that seems impossible . And yet if he knew he was going to piss her off why didn't he just go ahead and punch the guy ? It's hard to imagine what he was thinking there .

I feel like this is a common guy maneuver - literally obeying your lady's demands but breaking the spirit of them . "You told me not to bang your sister , I banged your cousin ! You need to be specific Diane !" And I always wonder what their game is - they cant think they're going to get away with it via semantics but yet they act as if they will - because otherwise they'd just go ahead and do the exact thing they weren't supposed to do . It's puzzling .

I'm not sure how you women put up with it . Or more importantly why .

One of my many reoccurring stress dreams is that I'm out with a lady and some dude or dudes start hassling her . Because what am I supposed to do then ? Try and fight the guy and get my ass kicked or do nothing ? Neither is going to work out well . It's almost like if that happens you might as well just walk away and write off the whole relationship because it's going to be over no matter what you do . It's a no win situation . As we all learned from Season 1 Episode 9 of Louie .

Although I do wonder if a woman is into humiliation and domination and she sees her date getting disgraced and abused by some rando is that a turn on ? I feel like it wouldn't be but I don't pretend to know how that all works .

I don't remember what movie it is but there's a scene where that happens and the dude stands up for his lady and the other guy kicks the shit out of him and then when they get back home they bang . This might be the most unrealistic movie moment of all time - and I'm including everything that happened in all of Michael Bay's movies .

You know what happens after you get home post-ass kicking ? Your lady says that she doesn't feel safe with you and she needs some time apart and then she fucks the contractor working on the pool house - who you kinda know from college .

Speaking of this whole safety thing , I was in bed once and my bedmate woke me up because she thought she heard someone downstairs . So I went and looked because it was easier to just acquiesce than make it a "thing" but once I was back in bed I did ask her "What's the point of me doing that ? There's only two options , either it's nothing in which case there's no reason to do anything , or there is someone down there in which case what ? I get murdered ? How is that a good outcome ?"

Reason # 7441 why I'm single .
Where does the hip end and the ass begin ?
Posted:Sep 5, 2017 7:06 pm
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2017 6:16 pm
I was wondering today what the perfect movie for a first date is . "40 if you're taking a date to a movie you are a loser and I hate you" . Granted . I feel like back in the day the conventional wisdom was that you wanted to go to a scary movie so your date could pretend to be scared and snuggle up to you - but you run the risk of them actually being scared . Plus horror movies are kind of passé in these modern times - I mean what could be worse than who we are and what we've done ? Some people will tout the so called "chick flick" for the best date movie , if it can so be called . But I doubt that . I mean most chick flicks are so unbearable that by the time it's over it's hard to be nice to your date . Plus does she really care that you sat through it ? No , she does not . Also there seem to be only a small minority of women who like chick flicks .

You know what's a terrible first date movie ? The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo . I'm glad she suggested it because I don't think there's anyway to come back from that as a dude . Although after the movie was over if your date turned to you and said "That was AWESOME !" I feel like that would be even worse in a way .

I think your best bet is a decent comedy - which is tricky because the comedy movie has been SLIM pickings for a while . Like Bridesmaids or Pitch Perfect would be a good date movie . I can't think of anything more recent . Humor is largely a dead art as I've said many a time . I mean the highest grossing comedies of last year were Central Intelligence and Bad Moms . That's some lame action . There's hardly even any other comedies that made money . Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates might be a good date movie but it seems somewhat borderline .

"40 , doesn't it depend on the person ?"

Shut up . I've had enough of your reasonableness .

You know what comedy bombed HARD last year . The Intern . It didn't even make a 100 grand . What has become of Robert DeNiro ?

I was watching the Mae Young Classic this weekend (because of course I was) and they kept referring to Toni Storm's ass attack as a "hip attack" . Because you know this is professional wrestling and it wouldn't be appropriate to say the word "butt" or even "behind" , mean this is America and we have firmly entrenched that violence is totally cool but anything even vaguely sexual ? Not on my watch buster ! Pictured below - approved for all audiences .

So I started to wonder where does the hip end and the ass begin ? For that matter if you go the other way what's the border between hip and thigh ? And why does the thigh get to wrap around to the "inner thigh" ? Why doesn't the inner thigh get it's own name , like can we call it the slink ?

Her hand slid down and she ran her fingers through my hair . I licked around her calf and up to her knee . I lightly brushed behind her knee with my fingertips and then traced softly along her slink .

Sounds okay to me . Although now we need a name for the back of the knee .

I remember being at a bar once with my friends Silver and Mark and they had at least a 45 minute conversation about if a dude had grabbed Silver's ass or her hip . Because if it was just the hip then he could deal but if it was her ass then he was going to have to throw down - sidenote I believe the offender left the bar 7 minutes into the argument . They could not agree AT ALL where the hip ends and the ass begins .

Like if you're dancing with a dude and he has his hands on your hips to begin with but as the salsa music gets going his hands keep going further around the corner at what point would you say he was cupping your ass ?

I feel like this is one of those things were the answer is "you just know when it's the ass" . I suppose it's a truism of sorts .

And now because I can't help myself . . . the flying ass attack has long been a vital and stupid part of wrestling . Traditionally it's been employed by three types of wrestlers .

1 - The fatty chubs ; Earthquake , Yokozuna , Rikishi , the Revolting Blob and the like . You know because they're fat .

2 - The nonathletic 'characters' ; Jimmy Valiant , Goldust , Colt Cabana , etc . Because they're wacky , and they can't do a lot else .

3 - Aging high flyers - Also sometimes just shitty high flyers ; Rey Mysterio (after his knee was destroyed) Brian Christopher , others . Because you want to come off the top rope , but you don't want to take much risk .

But (pun ! ) in recent times a new group has started to use the flying ass attack - namely women ! First Naomi and Asuka , now Toni Storm . What kind of a world is it where a woman's ass is used to cause pain and suffering ? Not the kind of world I want to live in I tell you that much .

There's also the flying dick/pussy attack but that's much more rare - although it was the main maneuver of Steve Austin , arguable the biggest name in the sport to date . Back in the 90's there was many a flying dick to the face I can tell you that . I suppose if you're wearing a cup it makes sense but otherwise it might be the only move that makes less sense than the flying ass attack .

In case you're wondering the multiple dicks to the face in the corner is called the "Bronco Buster" . Which I don't believe is the preferred method of busting a bronco at all . But then again I'm no horse whisperer so what do I know ? Did they make a movie about that dude ? I feel like they did .
Nude and eating sugar free pudding
Posted:Sep 4, 2017 11:20 am
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2017 6:18 pm
If that's not the essence of Labor Day I don't know what is . Which I don't .

I realized the other day there is one good thing about sugar free snacks - if you feel like having more than one in the same day you can just go ahead and do it . It's small compensation but as they say it's the small things that make live worth living . Mostly my dick .

As is tradition I share the story of labor day .

Today the country celebrates the achievements of union boss Manuel Labor , who successfully lobbied the various industries for longer hours and shorter breaks . After successfully lengthening both the workday and the workweek and negotiating less vacation time , Labór was dragged out into the streets and hung , drawn , painted, messily sketched , quartered , eighthed , fed to wolves and given an atomic wedgie by outraged laborers . Everyone works just a little harder today to celebrate his demise - but not too much harder , of course .

You know for all the bullying I was bullied in my day I have never been wedgied . I'm not sure I've even seen a wedgie happen IRL . Is that just a thing that happens on TV . By bullies were more of the hold you down and kick you in the chest until blood comes out kind of bully .

In other news it turns out there is no us . We don't exist .

As happens from time to time I turned on the TV "just for a minute" while I was folding my napkins and I got sucked into a Voyager marathon . There's one conclusion that is undeniable about that show . Jeri Ryan is fucking stacked .

Did you know that swim masks used to be a thing ? I didn't .

I'll be seeing that in my nightmares tonight . My sexy nightmares !
Miami Rump Shakers #2
Posted:Sep 2, 2017 7:03 pm
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2017 11:10 am
If I have any good qualities (which I don't) one of them has to be that I am perfectly willing to admit when I am wrong .

I have long held the opinion that having a large penis doesn't help you get laid because even if women are into that , which is a shaky proposition to begin with , it's not like you just flop it out and go "eh" and then they agree to a date . Only on places like Men.Date - Gay Dating - Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now - can you lead with your genitals and even here it doesn't seem to work so well . Plus how many people are on Men.Date - Gay Dating ? Like 17 ? The rest are all robots and fake accounts those first 17 people made to stalk each other .

BUT it turns out that I was wrong , dead wrong , because being an anti-technology old person who isn't with it I had forgotten about sexting . Nowadays before you even meet someone IRL you've seen EVERYTHING . So if having a big cock is a way to get action it probably does help you because pics of all the different body parts are flying back and forth before the date even happens .

I learned this because I was playing cards with the douche-bros (and taking all their money again he bragged) and one douche-bro was talking about this blonde chick he was texting with and another douche-bro said "Is she a natural blonde ?" and DB#1 confirmed that she was . And I piped up with "How would you know , I thought you hadn't met her yet" and they all laughed at me like I was the kid who moved from Canadian in 4th grade and everyone thought he was slow because of his accent .

There are no secrets anymore - not about that anyway . It's strange for an old man like me to consider seeing someone's asshole before meeting them for realz . And yet I've done it once - with someone who reads this blog . You know who you are .

Now I break down the news story that everyone is waiting for me to break down for them . Back in 2013 Sexy Star was the Triple A Women's champion - which they call the Reina de Reinas . She had some kind of dispute with management and left the company and the title was declared vacant . So they had a tournament to crown a new champion and Triple A went on while Sexy Star worked for other companies . At the beginning of this year Vampiro a former wrestler who was a big star in Mexico was named head of talent relations for Triple A - in part because he was tight with Sexy Star and they thought he could bring her back . In April Taya Valkyrie defeated Ayako Hamada to win back the title . In July Vampiro stripped Taya of the title and Sexy Star won it as part of her deal to come back to Triple A .

Why didn't they have Taya drop the title to Sexy Star ? Or have her vacate the title storylinewise ? No one seems to know . My theory is that because Taya was injured and couldn't work for a few weeks and Sexy Star wanted the title right away Vampiro just went ahead and did it . Which isn't really a cool move but Vampiro is widely regarded as a asshole in the biz . They may have also felt like Taya had one foot out the door anyway as she wanted to more in the states more . But on the other hand her fiancée Johnny Mundo (who appeared in GLOW) is one of the top stars in Triple A also so you'd think they wouldn't want to mess with that relationship .

Anyway Taya was pissed and quit the company . Recently at Triple As big event - Triplemania , Sexy Star was defending the title in a multi-woman match that included Ayako Hamada . Now Hamada and Taya aren't like pals or anything but Hamada respects Taya and felt that she was "dissed" but the company and Sexy Star , plus she's Japanese and they take wrestling pretty seriously ; so during the match she and Star started "shooting" - fighting for real . So now Sexy Star is pissed . The match ends with Sexy Star putting an arm bar on Rosemary - no one is exactly sure why but Sexy Star put a shoot arm bar on instead of the wrestling kind . And then kept the hold on after the match was over . Did she do this just out of anger ? No one is quite sure about that either .

The original report was that Sexy Star broke Rosemary's arm which turns out to have been an overstatement but her arm was legit injured . This did not sit well with the wrestling community . These days shooting on someone , unless it's a worked shoot of course , is not cool . So there was a big backlash against Sexy Star , at least in the states , I am curious what they think in Mexico and how the story is playing out there . So a couple days ago Vampiro stripped Sexy Star of the title and no one is really sure what's going to happen .

"But 40 wrestling is fake , this is all part of it ."

That's the fascinating thing , it doesn't appear to be a work . Normally wrestling is doing fake shit and trying to tell you it's real , this seems to be real shit they're trying to cover up by saying it's fake . Which is an interesting turn of events . Because Vampiro originally tried to say that stripping Taya was part of a storyline - which it wasn't . And then he tried to say that she was stripped for missing a booking - which she didn't . And at first Sexy Star tried to say the whole thing was a work but it doesn't seem to be .

I don't think it is but I hope that it is a work , not just because that means Rosemary isn't inured but also because this is the kind of stuff wrestling should be doing . There's a lot of whining in the wrestling world about how the internet ruins everything by exposing the business - I don't see why they can't grasp that this is the perfect medium for them to sell their storylines . The internet is 85% bunko that some people believe for some reason - wrestling should be all over that . I don't think is this a work even if it's not THIS is the kind of thing they should be doing . Use the lying power of the internet to your advantage .

Instead of trying to keep everything off the internet they should be spreading the rumors they want to spread to generate interest .

This would be the perfect build to a match with Sexy Star against Taya , Hamada or Rosemary . If it was an angle . Sadly I don't think it is .

Blah blah blah Ginger
Game of Thrones ending
Posted:Aug 29, 2017 4:33 pm
Last Updated:Sep 2, 2017 6:17 pm

I am calling it right now - the end of AGOT will be that Karl from the Walking Dead is revealed to be the Night King . Then he and Bran will have a contest to see which is the most annoying . It will be a tie and everyone will unite and kill them both . Once Karl the Night King is dead the rest of the White Walkers will turn back into people - revealing them to be Rick and the gang . Rick will marry Dany but then Shane will murder them both like a jerk . Jon and Tyrion get married and adopt Brienne as their daughter and rule the 7 Kingdoms in harmony .

Remember when I used to love both those shows ? And how over the years my love inexorably transmogrified into scorn and contempt ?

It's kind of a bummer that that's how I work .

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