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Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
 
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
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What will become of 40deuce ?
Posted:Feb 7, 2013 4:52 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2013 4:05 pm
80714 Views
(Editor's note - this is the second time I'm writing this . When will I learn to write these things in word first and then post them for then this foolish website crashes in the middle of a blog ? Never . I am not a smart man .)

I found out today that there's a fellow named Sheldon Levine who's a blogger of some repute (if there is such a thing) who uses the name 40deuce . Here's how he describes himself ;

Master of Professional Communication. Super-Genius. Social media misfit. Music addict. Smack talker. Loves to fall in love. Big . Awesome dude.

I haven't read any of his 8 blogs but I hate him already . I detest when people describe themselves as a "misfit" . It gets my ire up I tells you . And I'm not in love with the rest of that stuff either . Big ? Awesome dude ? Lame .

I would like to challenge this chap to a fight to the death for the name 40deuce , Highlander style , but in the past this has proved to be an ineffective strategy . People are strangely reluctant to fight to the death over trivial matters . Not only that , they don't give in to me based on their refusal to do so . So I should probably just change my fake name . And suggestions ?

By the way if you do an image search for Highlander , this comes up for some reason ;


There can be only one ?

The Highlander movies were terrible (I still saw them all thought) but the TV show was okay . The first one with the dude , not the spin-off with the lady who humped Bill Clinton .

Also today I got trapped in my new old boss's boss's cube while he was complaining about his wife ; which is how he spends 42.37% of his day . And I mean that literally , there were people blocking my way out talking to him . Its all good though , they're going to have another and that will solve all their problems . Anyway , at one point he turns to me and says ;

"So what do you think ?"

"I have no idea what women like ." I said boobily

He scowled and growled "You've had relationships with women ."

"Yes" I replied with porosity "but I've also fallen down the stairs , that doesn't mean I understand physics ."

That is now the best thing I've ever said in my life .

In other news today I was voicing my opinion that millions of people that helped to cause the mortgage crisis should be in prison , because , you know , they broke the law . As usual no one was on my side (probably because most of them were said people) and one person went so far as to say that they would "only go to one of those fancy resort prisons anyway , they should be so lucky ."

There's a guy in our office who's been to a "white collar" prison . He doesn't like it when people say things like that .

Not . One . Bit .

And I can't blame him . I'm pretty sure even being in a "nice" prison sucks pretty thoroughly . You know , because its a prison .

The first time around I wrote a big thing here about the Jedi Code and how its actually a pretty good way to live your life . It was most amusing and helpful . But its way to long to type again . Sorry .

And finally , for the first time , ever , in my whole life - I am not going to finish a book I started . Its called Great Apes by William Self . The setting of said book is a world wherein pongids became the dominant species instead of hominids . I thought I was going to be a highbrow version of Planet of the Apes .

WRONG

There was some interesting stuff in the very beginning about the treatment of humans in this world , but then it took a very horrible turn for the worse . The next 50 pages were pretty much all just chimps humping each other - and a little bit of chimps getting high at art galleries and spouting semi-philosophical psycho-pop . It was awful . Who would want to read about anthropomorphic apes humping for a while book ? Someone I'm sure , but not me . I guess its supposed to be satire , but I don't get it .

I have finally been defeated . There was a book horrible enough I couldn't struggle my way through it . Damn you literature , damn you to hell .
5 Comments
Operation G-String
Posted:Feb 5, 2013 4:41 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2013 4:06 pm
80648 Views
Things are getting a little weird at work . In looking into a wire fraud case I found out about an FBI probe into bribes and unreported campaign contributions, called Strippergate in the press and Operation G-String by the FBI (who apparently have more of sense of humor than I thought) . Long story short George Clooney apparently is involved in arms dealing . Poor Stacy Keibler . Are they even still together ?

Also in the weird celebrity category Elvis was a blonde and dyed his hair black . Let that sink it .

In other news someone asked me the other day which was faster a spider or a snake . As always I aim to be helpful . As we all know spiders run the fastest when they heading straight for your face - as they do all the time . Its common knowledge that spiders what nothing more than to climb in your mouth 100% of their lives . They're sick addicts for your mouth . And the fastest spider to crawl into your mouth is the female house spider (Tegenaria gigantea) clocking in at around 12 miles an hour . Which is pretty fast when you're that damn small (and in your mouth) .

Snakes on the other hand couldn't care less about your dumb mouth - they're all about the ass (like me) . And when they see a nice ass they slither towards it furiously . The fastest and furiousest ? The Black Mamba (Dendroaspis polylepis) , clocking in at around 12 miles an hour .

So we have a tie . Or do we ?

As usual the answers we seek come from the world of comic books . Spider-Man has defeated any # of snake themed villains - not to mention laid some serious wood to Asp's ass , making him a total ass Aspmaster .



So Spiders win . Granted most of the serpent themed villains in the comics are pretty third-tier (at best) . The whole Serpent Squad was defeated by Captain America alone several times , and the Serpent Society was beaten by Hawkeye once . Just Hawkeye - the guy with a bow . Who's deaf . Not be a jerk about someone's disability , but seriously .

In general most supervillians with animal powers are kind of losers , which is weird because for superheroes its the opposite (Squirrel Girl not withstanding) . And while we're on the subject , most superheroes are just dudes , where supervillians are often geniuses . I realized this is to pander to dummies like me who read comics but its kind of sad . Still though it does teach a valuable lesson . The smarter you are the more you hate your fellow (stupid) humans .

In other news , I'm vaguely thinking about going to the Midwest Blog Bash so I asked my sister who used to live in Chicago about what was interesting to do or see there . Somehow this turned into a conversation about my "relationship status" which is happening with disturbing frequency lately . Here are some facts ;

I don't like being in a relationship

That's it . That's all I should need . My sister knows I talk to a therapist sometimes and she says I need to bring it up with her - to which I say "Why , its not something I want to change ." She says of course that I should want to - which makes no sense . Why would I want to want something I don't want ? I'm sure with the right combination of drugs , hypnosis , molestation and therapy I would like soccer . But why would I go through the trouble just to like something ? Its sheer nonsense .

Here's the deal for me (and probably for a lot of people) I can be in a relationship and not be lonely but be kind of unhappy all the time . Or I can not and be happy and kind of lonely some of the time . For me that's an easy choice . Does that mean I'm completely insane ? Yes , but I can accept that about myself .

And finally , a black dude started working at my office last week and whenever another black person or Hispanic person walks past him he says "diversity" . I don't know what that's about - is it supposed to be a joke , social commentary , touretts - but its fucking annoying .
5 Comments
Boobs = bravery
Posted:Feb 4, 2013 3:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2013 4:07 pm
79597 Views
One thing I do at my job is deal with various legal fiascoes . In this capacity today I was reading a study my company had commissioned about sexual harassment . One thing that stood out to me is that women who complain about comments about their big breasts are much more likely to see things through to the end than other kinds of complaints . One conclusion we can draw based on this is that women with big boobs are more willing to stand their ground . A more reasonable conclusion is that women with big boobs get harassed more so its just a result of statistics , but I'm going to ignore that likelihood .

Pictured below what they're talking about then they say America is home of the brave ;


And since they've just recently decided its okay for the ladyfolk to go into combat there's an easy way to test this hypothesis . If the first woman who's awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor is Master Sergeant Chesty LaRue I think we've got some validation of this claim .

Obviously this only works with female types because dudes with boobs (like myself) are generally not brave at all . Aside from Mean Joe Man-Teats of course . That guy had the eye of tiger I tell you what .

Speaking of legal fiascoes , I was working on a file last week from a juvenile court in Utah . Normally juvenile court stuff is vandalism or theft , what have you , but this about a 16 year old who was convicted of wire fraud and ordered to pay 5 million American dollars in restitution . I have to admit , I'm somewhat impressed that a even knew what wire fraud was , let alone set down his bong long enough to commit it . The other thing I thought was interesting is that even though he wasn't tried as an adult the judgment against him is there forever - or until such time as he pays off the 5 mil . So basically his life is ruined forever . I'm not sure how I feel about that . I'm not a very forgiving person really but it seems weird that something you did when you were in high school means the game is over for your whole life .

And finally , enough already . This has happened every year of my damn life .

Pre-Super Bowl

"Oh , I just watch for the commercials , I don't care about that game ."

Post-Super Bowl

"I was disappointed , the commercials weren't very good this year ."

EVERY year . When were the commercials good ? 1971 ? Were they that great you're still hoping they'll live up to it again ? Stop it . What is wrong with you ? You're only encouraging them . Cut it out .

I was going to say something about factory reject dildos too but I forgot what . It was probably pretty funny . You can laugh if you want .
6 Comments
Shut your bonghole you smelly hippy (AKA its actually NOT 4:20 somewhere)
Posted:Feb 2, 2013 10:26 am
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2013 9:56 am
79839 Views
The other day I somehow found myself in a conversation about legalizing marijuana . This is actually a topic I care very little about . However one of my many psychoses is that in such situations I always take up a contrary position - without even realizing it usually . While I was arguing with this fellow about how it should not be legalized I realized I actually am in favor of legalizing marijuana .

Why ?

I'm glad you asked (really I had nothing otherwise) . If there's two things we know about smoking weed its that ;

1. It lowers your sperm count

and

2. It contributions to what some people call erectile dysfunction and which I call floppy dick disease (also taffy cock syndrome sometimes)

These are both good things for me . As you all know one of my main goals in life is human extinction (without resorting to violence or namecalling) so lower sperm counts is what I'm all about . ALL about . Less sperm = less people . This is a winning scenario anyway you slice it . Sperm extinction is human extinction . And for the record I have no problem getting violent with the sperms .

Also the more dudes out there with ED/FDD/TCS (and there's more and more every day) the more valuable my erections become . Which is nice . There's really no reason for any woman to look at me twice right now , but the more rare functioning penises become the better I start to look . Supply and demand and all that invisible hand whatnot .

My first longtime girlfriend smoked a ton of pot . Literally over the course of her life I'd bet . I'm pretty sure that Sublime song "Smoke Two Joints" was either inspired by her or the inverse . I'm not sure . The funny thing is all she liked was getting high , playing video games and having sex . I'm pretty sure she would have been the perfect girlfriend for ANY other dude my age but me at the time . And I mean perfect literally .

Yesterday I heard someone say "GF yourself" which I thought meant girlfriend yourself , which intrigued me . I was disappointed to find out it meant go fuck yourself . I still want to know what it would mean to tell someone to go girlfriend themself . Maybe the same thing .

I've never been to a surprise party . I'm not even 100% convinced its a real thing , it seems more likely it something they made up for use it sitcoms . However I've decided that the best way to surprise someone in this scenario is to tell them they're going to someone else's surprise party but really its for them . I think this is the best idea I've ever had in my life .

Allegedly Galileo upon being forced to recant this belief that the earth moves around the sun (spoiler alert - it does) muttered "Eppur si muove" ; still it moves . He probably didn't really , but its a nice story . You know , you can intimidate and threaten me into saying whatever you want Spanish Inquisition but you can't change the fact that I'm right . That's pretty cool .

Also "still it moves" is going to be my motto when everyone else in the world has ED/FDD/TCS from smoking so much weed .
5 Comments
Respect - is it a thing ?
Posted:Jan 31, 2013 4:31 pm
Last Updated:Feb 3, 2013 9:11 am
78825 Views
Someone asked me to summarized my blog . I said "blah , blah , blah , Star Wars , blah , blah , blah vagina" . That's probably the most apt thing I've ever said .

The other day at work a lady I don't get along with so well asked me if I respected her .

"I don't know" I said boobily .

She didn't like that . Not . One . Bit . She asked me how I could not know .

"I don't know what it means to respect someone . What does it mean to you ?"

She stared at me for a while and then stomped off , I presume to spend 35 minute complaining to her deskmate about what a jerk I am . I was being honest . People talk about respect but it doesn't really mean anything right ? What does it matter if I say I respect you ? I treat you the way I treat you , that means whatever you want it to mean . A lot of ladies on this here deviant scumpile of a website say they get tired of being disrespected , but really what would it mean to be treated respectfully ? I'd wager the answer is different from person to person right ? So respect as a concept is mostly meaningless as far as I can tell . Like honor or love .

Maybe I think too much about these things . In my own profile I say I want to be with a woman who respects herself but without defining what that means its useless to say .

Its all subjective I guess is what I'm saying . What a startling revelation right ?

There's a song by Pantera called "Walk" that most people think is called "Respect" (since those two words are 85% of the whole song) that's not a good song at all but is one of my favorites .

I did lose a little respect for myself the other day by any measure when I realized I was watching Lesbian Lactation Bondage porn . I think I've become a little too desensitized pornwise . I'm going to porn off for a couple years and see how that goes .

I was reading a blog the other day wherein a young lady queried what the difference was between her and a mosquito . The answer being that a mosquito will stop sucking you if you slap it . I don't know what to make of that . I presume it was all in good fun but still I found it worrisome . Again , I probably think about these things too much . Stupid brain .

The other day I brought a new toothbrush because I knocked my old one in the toilet . As I was doing this I realized I'm a lot more irrational than I thought . The day before I had my tongue in a woman's asshole , and now I have to buy a new toothbrush because my old one was in what is essentially a bowl of clean water ? Makes no sense .



Speaking of which one time my gal pal said to me "Careful , if you drink out of my bottle you might get my germs ." Seems like an odd thing to say to someone who just had their tongue up your butt . I don't know why I like rimming so much , but I do . Still I should stop - no good can come from it healthwise . Of course the same is true of most things sexwise . Stupid sex being unhealthsome .

I think I was going to complain about some other stuff but I forgot . Think of some stuff you don't like and pretend I complained about it .
1 comment
How many pairs of underwear do you have that have a cape ? (Not enough)
Posted:Jan 27, 2013 8:29 am
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2013 3:59 pm
80499 Views
I still get e-mails sometimes from my old comic distributor from time to time . At first I tried to explain that I'm "out of business" but it didn't seem to matter so now I just enjoy all the comicy goodness literally DAYS before anyone else knows about it . Today I got their Valentine's stuff , which is usually good for a laugh or two . My favorite this year - the Batgirl Caped Black Panty . I've always though to myself "You know what panties need ? Capes ." Makes a certain kind of sense I suppose , panties don't seem like they'd keep your ass very warm - a cape might be a welcome addition .

Also riddle me this , they have a bunch of different "Pull-in low riser" thongs and cheeky shorts . What the hell does pull-in mean in regards to women's underwear ? Or on general ? I guess you have to pull in before you can pull out .



Also I find it amusing they can't even get real women to model this stuff - they just use pixelated womanlike flesh tones . I guess that makes some sense to considering all people who like comics are pale , sexless virgins (like me) .

In other news I had a job interview on Friday , which surprisingly went pretty well . And then at the end the dude conducting the interview said that since that job had been posted they had re-organized the department and the jab had changed . He explained the job was now the exact same job I turned down a couple months ago . That made me super happy .

Things I wanted to say ;

"Great , thanks for wasting my time ."

"Maybe you should tell people when you change the job for which they've applied ."

"Great , thanks for wasting my time asshole ."

"Maybe you shouldn't post positions when you're in the middle of reorganizing ."

"Great , thanks for wasting my fucking time you stupid asshole ."

Things I did say ;

"Thank you for your time ."

NYPD Blue was one of my favorite shows . There was an episode where a was being questioned who parents ignored him and he got picked on at school and etc. He said something along the lines of how he wished someone would give him a reason to go off on them . I feel like that from time to time . I think that's pretty psychotic . Its like that scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent Vega (Mr. Blonde's brother) is talking about how he wished someone would vandalize his car so he's have an excuse to "fuck them up" . I should probably stop feeling like that . What's good for that ? Heroin ?

Speaking of Pulp Fiction (also known as the movie that scarred me for life) there's a scene where Vincent Vega talks himself out of sleeping with Mia Wallace by looking in the mirror . Its a common thing in the moving pictures when faced with an moral dilemma (sidenote the mirror scene usually result in male characters making the "right" decision whereas the mirror usually steers female characters "wrong" ; what's that about ?) .

In reality , hashing things out with a reflection seems silly if not a little crazy . Yet , it turns out that more people probably ought to face themselves when dealing with a decision of principle , because it actually works .

Studies have been conducted on both and adults to determine how confrontation with our own reflections affects our morality . One self reflection study conducted on Halloween gave the opportunity to grab candy out of unsupervised bowls . The bowls were exactly the same at separate houses on the same street ; the only difference was that one bowl had a mirror behind it . As a result , the were significantly less likely to steal candy when they had to look at their own reflections even though they were wearing costumes . A similar test was also done on adults at a news stand who paid for newspapers on the honor system . The results were nearly identical ; we are all more likely to act morally while confronted with our own faces .

So while the mirror pep-talk provides a nice cinematic analogy ; the protagonist faces his physical reflection and through it can re-calibrate his personality , our minds really do work that way . We as a species just make better decisions when we have to look ourselves in the eye as we do it . So if you know someone who got rid of every mirror in his house for the sake of feng shui , then congratulations , you finally have a legitimate reason to suspect they may be terrible person .

As the dude from Footloose said in "Hollow Man" its amazing what you can do when you don't have you look at yourself in the mirror . He also told a joke about Superman nailing Wonder Woman that is super lame but that I love .
6 Comments
maths + statistical analysis = super happy funtime !
Posted:Jan 23, 2013 5:33 pm
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2013 7:59 am
78903 Views
As we all know Ben Franklin was the perviest of the founding fathers , but in a GOOD way , unlike that scummy John Jay . Case in point , his (in)famous Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress . Lets take a look .

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

I agree with this whole heartedly . Young people are the worst . Let me relate every conversation between two people under the age of 27 and 3/4ths .

"Dude , dude , dude , I didn't even get home until then dude ."

"Whoa , dude ."

Stupid young people . Never cared for them , even when I was one . Especially when I was one . At least an actual adult women has SOMETHING to say even if its not always that great .

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

This is a little scummy . True mostly but kind of icky on a emotional level .

3. Because there is no hazard of , which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.

Whoop , whoop !

4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

Uh , yes , I guess ? Does anyone care about their reputation anymore ? Seems unlikely . But verily , Prostitutes (aside from my neighbor who seems nice enough) are the worst (except for young people) .

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

Yeah , pretty much .

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

Disagree , but having sex with a virgin is lame anyway . They always remember the first time . Who wants to be remembered ? Not this fellow .

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

I can agree with that to some degree .

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Seems kind of patronizing , but maybe true .

Oh humans , we're a funny old bunch . I believe that's what the Neanderthals said while we were murdering them for being the inferior (yet superior) losers that they were . Our brains are good at some things but one thing they suck at is knowing what the hell is going on . The % of time spend in each state will vary from person to person but most brains swing back and forth wildly between .

No one likes , I'm worst , boo-hoo , woe is me

I am the greatest living thing ever , suck it Jesus

Which is fine in a Hobbesian Thunderdome type scenario , bellum omnium contra omnes and all that , because that's how you survive . But its annoying in so called modern life , if it can so be called .

Have your brain check out this noise . Turns out your friends DO have more friends than you , but its okay , because math .

Go to that one social media website I hate for no reason and count up how many friends each of your friends has , then calculate the average . Guess what ? That number is almost certainly higher than your number of friends . Oh no , you're unpopular ! You may as well just go build yourself a cabin in the remote wilderness and brush off your manifesto-writing skills ! Right ?

Nope . It turns out that pretty much everyone can do this exercise , no matter how popular they are , and they will always find that the average of their friends' friends turns out higher than their number of friends . How is this possible , you ask? Blame the unholy witchcraft that is statistics .

What your average unconsciously tallying up his or her friend list doesn't realize is that this simple experiment is flawed from the get-go , for the simple reason that those friends you're measuring are inclined to be popular r, because they're friends with you . Think about it . The more popular someone is , the more likely it is that they're your friend . If they're not popular , they probably aren't friends with you , and therefore weren't included in your count . As a result , your friends' weighted number ends up averaging more friends than you .

Keep in mind that this paradox can be applied to many other aspects of life. The people you date have all had more dates than you have , because the ones who don't date didn't date you . All your co-workers are absolute thunder-pricks because the ones who aren't don't end up screaming profanity into your ear . Just remember that it's nothing more than a fluke of statistics , and if you let it get you down , those asshole mathematicians win .

Life of Brian was on the other day . I haven't seen that movie in years . It still pretty funny .

"Oh , it's blessed are the MEEK ! Oh , I'm glad they're getting something , they have a hell of a time ."

Indeed

I think I have to complain somewhat in every blog so here goes . I think the world would be better if asshole were a little more honest about their assholerly . It would turn this ;

"Hey 40 , what do you think of this shirt ?"

"Eh , I don't really care for it ."

"Fuck you 40 , who asked YOU you fat piece of fat shit mother fucker fat fatty fatass fat bastard piece of shit fat fucker ! Like you know anything about shirts you fat asshole fatty fatpants fatso molesting mother fat fucker fat ."

Into this ;

"Hey 40 , compliment my shirt even if you don't mean it . ESPECIALLY if you don't mean it ."

"Nice shirt ."

"Thanks you fat asshole mother fucker fatty fat fatso ."

Much better

Oh , and I'm supposed to do a picture too , so here ;

4 Comments
Ejecting ass goblins into space is actually not that easy
Posted:Jan 21, 2013 7:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2013 4:31 pm
79828 Views
Their claws are specially designed to cling onto the ass you see .

I don't watch a lot of movies . Most movies suck . Whens someone says to me "Hey 40 do you watch a lot of movies ?" I say "no , I don't watch a lot of movies . Most movies suck ." In particular apocalypse movies suck . Post apocalypse is another story , but such fair as Deep Impact (the non porn one) , Armageddon , 2012 , the Day After Tomorrow , Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to the End of the World , and such are not for me . However the other day in my drug addled sickness coma I saw part of one of these movies wherein the dude from The Imposters was explaining how it was going to go down after they survived the end of the world (which is something of a misnomer) .

He stated that in order to re-build the gene pool without getting all Alabamay each woman would have to have 40 babies with 40 different dudes . Come again ? First of all in the TNG episode "Up The Long Ladder" Jean Luc Picard said you'd only need to have 10 babies with 10 different dudes to avoid the flipper babies so there's that . But 40 babies ? Is that even possible ?

Even if you're cranking out a baby every 9 months that still 30 years of baby cranking - and based on an episode of 30 Rock I watched a woman's fertility goes way down after she turns thirty . So unless there's some kind of 4th dimension shenanigans going on here I don't think 40 babies is even possible assuming you start in at a grossly early age . I guess maybe they were planning on using fertility drugs to Octomom it up . Giving birth to 8 babies at a time would be a real efficiency booster .

Anyway , my question is if you were a woman would you even want to get on the magic spaceship that's going to protect you from the meteor full of zombies if you knew the end game was you giving birth 40 times ? Although I'm sure after the first score your vagina is so stretched out you don't feel it anymore . Bonus !

Speaking of Star Trek Next Generation I loved that show when it originally aired . Trying to watch it now is like trying to eat a big bowl of jagged metal cereal with sulfuric acid milk . That show was awful . Doesn't anything stand up to the test of time ? Not my junk that's for sure .

Also speaking of movies the other day I was watching Strap-On Bonanza #4 , because as you know I love a good strap-on flick , all the enjoyment of watching people fucking without the discomfort of looking at a hairy dude ass . As usually I was complete lost plotwise because I hadn't seen the first 3 movies in the series , but I kind of got the gist of it . However there was something that was bugging me . Something didn't seem right and it took me a while to put my finger on it . The strap-oner in this particular scene was not a lady at all (well somewhat) but what I believe is called a she-male .

Said she-male was wearing a transparent (and obviously hollow) strap on over his/her very small , but very real actual penis . That freaked me right out . What kind of a world is it we live in where a man is confronted with such a sight without any warning ? I could handle it if I knew it was coming , but a surprise she-male penis inside of a strap-on ? That's not fair internet . Not cool .

In other news , I think I had admitted in the past that 7% of the reason I bought my house is that it had a "No Soliciting" sign on the front porch . It worked like a charm for 16 months . Sometimes I'd see people walking up to solicit me , and then they'd see the sign and walk away sadly while I laughed and laughed . But this week one solicitor finally had the fortitude to ignore said sign . I think maybe her 15 facial piercings gave her the confidence she needed to annoy me .

Pictured below not her , at all ;


I wish I was the kind of jerk who could just point at the sign and say "Can't you read ?" but I'm not . So I just listened to her spiel , had sex with her and said I wasn't interested . Stupid sign not working .

Speaking of my house , ever since I moved in I have a re-occurring dream that the former owners come back while I'm at work and dig up the back yard or put a bunch of puppies in the back porch or something like that and then say they still own the house . Sadly I know WAY too much about the real estate dysfunction of this country so these dreams are all 100% plausibly terrifying . I need to get a assault rifle these days . I think getting out of a murder charge is way easier and quicker than a title dispute .

And finally , there's an online nerd game for nerds that I play that lately has has advertisements for a different online nerd game for nerds . This advertisement has a scantily clad cartoon women and says "1 click Roman orgy" . About damn time . I hate having to click THREE or FOUR times to get the Roman orgy . Oh those Romans an their orgies , when will they learn ?
4 Comments
40deuce and the legend of the five rings
Posted:Jan 18, 2013 7:01 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2013 7:50 am
79157 Views
I've been sick the last few days . I used to never get sick , like ever , probably because I avoided all human contact . Those were happier times .

Once upon a it was my birthday . My work wife got me a Disney Fairy Princesses birthday cake which was funny , you know , because I'm a violent sociopath (not unlike little girls so I guess it was more apt that funny) . Said cake featured 5 rings Tinker Bell of course , and her four best friends Fawn (the slutty one) Rosetta (the psycho) Silvermist (the hippy) and Vidia (the other slutty one) . Naturally I was quite proud of these rings and placed them on a paper plate (because they have frosting on them) next to the cake so people could admire them and spend the rest of the day stewing in angry jealously .

I maintain that if I were to wear all 5 rings at once I would gain all the powers of 80's supergroup Foreigner . But alas , I shall probably never know . Because not TEN minutes later I noticed that three of the rings were gone . They took Tinker Bell away from me .

If I ever find who stole the three rings it will be a bloodbath . It will be worse than anything you can imagine . I will rain destruction down upon the thief of thieves at a biblical level . Not just them , but their friends and family , their pets , their possessions , people who just said hi to them on the subway ; all will know my wrath . The innocent shall suffer . Big time .

Right now I have the two remaining rings displayed at my desk (where I can keep an eye on them) along with three rings I formed out of paperclips . When people ask me what that's about I tell them that the paperclips are there to represent the rings that were taken from me so I never forget to keep searching for the culprits , and to keep stoking the fire of my rage furnace - that I will one day release onto said culprits in an orgy of fire and blood and victorious slaughter .

Also there's a guy who has a Dalek cookie jar at work . I'm probably going to steal it someday .



In other news there have been two episodes of Futurama that featured the What-If Machine . They were funny . But moreover I believe we need these in real life so people can see how truly foolish their ideas are . I think it would encourage critical thinking . I know a dude who says all the time "we just need to get rid of all the corporations and everything will be fine" . I think the What-If machine would disabuse him of that notion . I guess a machine that just tells people they're stupid would also work .

In other other news I have my salary negotiation coming up soon . I plan on offering to forgo any raise (which I richly deserve) in return for the authority to wail on anyone who says ;

"Oh , I didn't know what your e-mail meant so I just deleted it ."

Right . Because I don't understand differential equations so obviously they're not important .

Did you know ?

•Boobs can either a) help you get a job/promoted or b) make the workplace more tolerable for the rest of us .

•Boobs are often successfully used in place of a coherent plot or acting in movies to create a great film.

•The power of boobs should not be underestimated.

Q: I heard something bad happens to Gremlins when they get wet . Is the same true for Boobs ?

A: Yes and no . They triple or quadruple in power , so this can be a good or a bad thing .

Q: What Happens to Boobs When They Get Older ?

A: It's horrible . Much like the end of The Giving Tree , Boobs , after providing so many years of thoughtless service , just become completely useless at the end of their life cycle . They become like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas . You can't help but looking at them and thinking "He was getting front row seats at clubs , and now look at him ."

Q: What are Boobs' other powers ?

A: Boobs can lighten up a woman's whole appearance . They can make the sun come out when it is raining . They can make a woman smarter and funnier and more interesting .

Q: What about when guys have boobs ?

A: The opposite of everything just stated .
1 comment
Fine ! I'll start my own sex site ! With hookers ! And blackjack !
Posted:Jan 13, 2013 9:48 am
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2016 11:44 am
80834 Views
I'm constantly in contact with the webmasters here with great ideas on how they can improve things - its a bit of a one sided relationship , but then most of them are (commentary !) . This time though , they've gone too far . I sent them a message explaining that their standard questions aren't really doing the job ;

What kind of night life do you enjoy?

How big of a role does sex play in your life?

What types of sex activities do you regularly enjoy?

What's the largest number of people you've shared a sexual encounter with in one session?

What types of sexual activities are OFF LIMITS to you?

Besides the obvious, what areas of your body do you consider erogenous zones?

(50 bonus 40Deuce fun bucks to whomever knows MY answers to these dumb questions without looking at my profile)

Who cares ?

What is this amateur hour ? I gave them REAL questions that people really want to know when they're looking for a random stranger to bang in a Wendy's bathroom .

Do you prefer mayostard or mustardayonnaise ?

If you were a dinosaur would you be extinct ? (this is a trick question)

How often do you take your cat to the gynecologist ?

What's the deal with cranberries ?

Did they have it coming ? (also a trick question)

Do you know what a homonym is ?

Which pizza topping is best ? Show your work .

That time you were on Lets Make A Deal were you dressed up as a carrot , or as I speculated , an orange vibrator ?

Do they make orange vibrators ?

Would you be interested in investing in a company that made orange vibrators ?

Did you ever see that movie Hysteria ?

Do you think Maggie Gyllenhall is hot ? There's only one right answer .

In the Prestige what did that dude whisper right before he was hung ?

Do zombie come from meteors ?

Is Jack Nicholson still alive ?

Were the vikings really so bad ?

Are ninja mammals ?

That one time King Kong Bundy beat up Michelle Pfieffer why didn't anyone do anything about it ?

Why was that British chick such an unrelenting bitch ?

Did mammoths shed their hair in the summer ?

Why are vagina's pink on the inside instead of the other way round ?

That is pure gold right now . And how did they respond ? They told me to quit wasting their time with my dumb suggestions . They will rue this day . RUE it I say !

In other news there's a porn mag called Cuntoisseur . That's the worst name ever . Scrunt is still the best .

In other other news I was reading recently about a study where people played a game with 4 other people . Person A was told to play fair and be nice , persons B & C were told to try and win and be kind of jerky , person D was told to cheat like hell and be an asshole . After the game the person was asked which of those people they would not want to play with again . Everyone said person D of course , but the surprise was most people said person A also .

Goes to show what I've always suspected , being nice makes people not want to be around you . I assume because it makes them feel like dirt in comparison . That's not to say that being a good person is a bad move in life necessarily ; You just can't be so good that other people feel bad about themselves for being around you . People only dislike the nice guy if they think he's "raising the bar" for everybody else via their impeccable, shining visage . It's better to be perceived as an average person , with your own set of relatable human faults . But if you're still dead set on being so blasted "generous" and "giving" at least remember to mix it up ; for every four good deeds scissor kick someone in the junk .

That's the secret to popularity .

You are welcome

I think a while ago I promised to post a picture on every blog for my illiterate readers , so here you go ;

8 Comments
Mon Mothma likes it rough (A Treatise on the Bangability of the Women in Star Wars)
Posted:Jan 10, 2013 7:17 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 7:22 am
78406 Views
The other day I was reading a somewhat humorous article wherein the author speculated that it would suck to be in the the called "rebel alliance" (more correctly called the Alliance to Restore the Republic) since there were only two women - Princess Leia (who was taken) and Mon Mothma (who while not UNattractive is no ones idea of a great beauty) in the organization . Although I got a few laughs out of it , nonetheless I have to point out that this is not the case .

He's forgetting of course Toryn Farr



which is a real shame because she's got it going on . "Stand by , Ion Control . . . Fire" INDEED , if you know what I mean . The Ion Cannon is my dick you see . And by firing I mean ejaculation into her vagina , mouth , asshole , or just on her somewhere . You get it .

If you're in the alliance (and if not why not jerk ?) Toryn is your best bet . Princess Leia is crazy bangable of course (even without the slavekini) but is she gettable ? Not so much .

A. She's a royalty , she's not going to slum around with you

B. Her work is her life , I doubt she's a real fun date

C. She's taken , you think you can steal a woman away from Han Solo ? You can't . Punch yourself in the nut for even thinking such a thing .

And Mon Mothma ? Kind of reminds you of your mom right ? A little older , in charge of everything , talks kind of weird , unflattering haircut . Its best not to go there .

Toryn though ? She's ready to go . And her family died so you don't have to worry about the whole meeting the family business . Toryn works had and she plays hard . And by plays I means has sexual intercourse with her vagina , mouth , asshole or what have you . But I will admit , Toryn isn't for everyone . Some people want a girl with a little more traction in the action if you know what I mean .

Never fear though , because there's also Unnamed Female X-Wing Pilot (Dorovio Bold) AND Unnamed Female Y-Wing Pilot (Karie Neth). Aww yeah ! These are lady fighter pilots man , you KNOW they're good to go at all times ! I mean if you didn't know what just check out BSG - those slutty female pilots were humping anything that wasn't nailed down . And I , 40deuce , salute them . Sure , Dorovio is into some freaky stuff , but if you faced death every day in the seat of an X-Wing wouldn't you be also ? You bet your biscuit homebrew . And Karie was the TAILgunner in the Y-wing IF you know what I mean . I mean tail as in ass . As in she likes anal sex . A lot .

I mean come on , that's FIVE whole women in the Alliance - that's enough right ? Also there were a bunch of female ewoks and jawas but I don't even want to think about that .

These three characters like EVERY character in Star Wars was on screen for like a second , had no lines (Toryn had one line of course) and in the expanded Star Wars universe have a whole life story and all kinds of adventures . What other obsession in movie form can claim that ? You think 15 years from now someone is going to write books (plural) about a character in Twilight who just walked past in the background ? Boba Fett is onscreen for all of 20 seconds , says two words , and his Wookiepedia entry is 30 pages long . I submit that Star Wars is the most immersive deal going on still today .

Anyway , I'm getting off course , we're talking about banging Star Wars chicks . Expanding outside the Rebel Alliance ;

Aunt Beru - Pass (or maybe after a few cocktails)

Chachi De Maal (Chulman's Cantina , Mos Eisley Cantina if you like) - Maybe you you squint could look like one of them Avatar monsters , they were kind of hot

Dice Ibegon (Cantina) - HELL NO ! Might give good head if you're brave enough .

Jenny (Cantina) - Sure why not , I've done worse .

Kabe (Cantina again) - Eeesh . If you have a rat fetish this is your lucky day .

Karoly D'ulin/Senni Tonnika (Cantina some more) - Now this is what I'm talking about ! I'm all in if you know what I mean . I mean my penis would be all in her vagina or asshole . You have to respect a woman nicknamed Star

Kitik Keed'kak (you know) - I would , but I have a thing for praying mantises (mantids ?) and for the record female mantises do not kill their mates , they was shoddy science that started that rumor .

Leesub Sirln (you still know) - Why not ? It's like doing Jane Curtain during the coneheads area , good enough for me .

M'iiyoom Onith (yada yada) - Hell no

Sai'torr Kal Fas (ditto) - Um , probably not compatible with mammal sex organs .

Shada D'ukal/Brea Tonnika (Cantina) - Hell yes ! There's two Star Whores ?! You know what that means !

Swilla Corey (Cantina) - Move over Tonnika sisters , there's a new piece of Star Ass in town . #1 with a bullet , if you know I mean . You see the bullet is my . . . sigh , forget it .

Tawss Khaa (Cantina) - Married walrusface lady ? Pass

Wioslea (Cantina) - Not to save my life

Now once we leave the cantina pickings get a little slim , there are of course a couple "background in Bespin" types that would do in a pinch , but its when we reach Jabba's Palace that things pick up again .

Yarna d'al' Gargan - I would definitely . I like a woman with a little meat on the bones , and six boobs ? What's not to like ?

Oola - The Pièce (of ass) de résistance , the holy grail of Star Wars bangability . Maybe able to stand toe-to-toe with Slave Leia . Maybe . Its a conversation is all I'm saying . I'm also saying a Ménage à trois Oola/Slave Leia/Chewie ? That is hot . Like magma hot .

Sy Snootles - Not so much

And yes , I am excluding any kind of "Special Edition" nonsense so I don't want to hear ONE word about Rystáll Sant . Fuck you Rystáll Sant (I still would do her) and all your special edition friends . Right int he ear .

And yes , I am excluding the prequels because while they don't suck as hard a people like to say they are not good .

And yes , I am not talking about bangable Star Wars dudes because that blog is six words long .

Han Solo . Chewbacca . End of story .

May the force be with you
0 Comments
+140 Damage vs. Bugbears/Ghosts/Orcs/Skeletons/Vampires/Werewolves/Zombies
Posted:Jan 9, 2013 5:41 pm
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2013 8:02 am
79918 Views
"To diminish the influence of the devil is to slander God ."

Matthew Hopkins , Witchfinder General 1646-1647



I started reading a book the other day that's about the last witchfinder in England in the 1670s (witchfinding here in the USA kept going on for a LONG time after the 17th century) . All the old classics are there - the drowning test , the torture test , the hey I want money so she's a witch test , but there was one thing I never knew about . Some witches were convicted (and hung) based on having a third nipple which they used to nurse their demon familiars . And where was this "nipple" found ?

Near the front junction of the labia minora above the opening of the urethra .

Sound familiar ? So while women today may decry the ability of menfolk to find the clitoris for your foremothers it was a life saver . Also in a lot of these cases it seems like the witches are getting a raw deal anyway you slice it . So far all the testimony against the accused witches has been along the lines of ;

"I ripped her off selling her a ham so she put a curse on me ."

Sounds like justified witchery to me . Also the witchfinder in this book always concludes that anyone they have in custody suspected of being a witch is indeed a witch . Why ? Probably the 5 gold coins he gets for each witch he found . Our incentive program at work is about as equally effective .

"Look at all this work I made up for myself and did !"

"This is all nonsensical gibberish . Why weren't you doing real work that really needs to be done ?"

"Woo ! Bonus ! Bonus ! Bonus !"

In other news did you know all lady mammals (and ostriches) have a clit ? I didn't . I thought that was a human thing (and some cavewomen maybe) . I might owe some monkey humpers an apology - maybe the monkey was into it .

In other other news a female lady with a clit of my acquaintance the other day said that I am an angry person , mostly in the expression of her thesis that all men are violent rage monsters that will snap on you at a moment's notice (I just do a good job of hidding it in her hypothesis) . While this is 100% true , I did feel sad for her that her experiences in life had led here to this conclusion .

More importantly though (because I'm involved) its not true . I am not an angry person . I'm quite mellow . Hateful ? Sure . Bitter ? You bet . Terrible in my vengeful countenance ? No doubt about it . Misanthropic and cruelly insane ? You bet your sweet ass . But I'm not angry . Its all cool yo .

"But wait 40 , you just said a second ago it was 100% true , what gives ?"

I was discounting statistically anomalies (also known as Megan Foxes) yes , literally there are a few men that are not rage monsters , but 10/3.4 billion is 0.000000003125% which I think we can all agree is similar enough to zero for our purposes as to be indistinguishable no ?

Right . Also , one this people hate about me is that I'm a low talker . Probably because I hate the sound of my own voice . Its the worst . But anyway , I never thought it was really that big of a deal - so I talk quietly , maybe if you made and effort to listen to me it wouldn't make a difference . Now I know better . I started working on a project with a dude who's a low talker and its driving me insane . Here's how every damn conversation goes with him ;

"Hey 40 . . . . . . . spreadsheet . . . . . . . . . . . 3rd quarter . . . . . . . Snickers bar . . . . . . . . . Ricardo Shilly Shally . . . . . . . . . . . do you think ?

"Could you repeat that ? I missed a lot of what you were saying ."

"Sure . . . . . . . . ."

"I got nothing that time , hit me again ."

". . . . . . . ."

"Are you fucking with me ?"

And the sad thing is I know it probably drives him insane too having to repeat everything he says 3-4 times , because it drives me insane when I have to do it . Telepathy helmets cannot get here soon enough for me .

And finally , I leave you with this . One time a dude called Thomas Henry Huxley (or T-Hux as his friends knew him) was trying to illustrate the role chance has in biological evolution by talking about a bunch of immortal monkeys typing on indestructible typewriters and eventually creating all the works of Shakespeare . In fact of course over a long enough timeline they would create all books ever written , would be written , and never would be written . Seems infinite right ?

Nope . Because of the limit of the alphabet there is a finite # of unique manuscripts that can ever be written . It happens to be 45 to the 60th power to the 25th power to the 600th power . Which is a finite number , albeit (literally) an incalculably high one for the dumb human (and some cavemen) mind .

These monkeys would write the Bible with a haiku about pizza toppings instead of the Book of Daniel . They would write a version of Gone with the Wind where Scarlet has a threeway with Rhett Butler and Ashley Wilkes (I reject the term threesome , also foursome please use fourgy instead) . Also a version where Scarlett has a threesome with Rhett and Ashley and then they prove Fermat's Last Theorem together . And a version where Scarlet has a threesome with Socrates and Joe "Jellybean" Bryant while Rhett pounds Ashley in the ass on Saint Andrews links during the World Cup finals .

They would describe an effective treatment for liver cancer in full . Also a detailed yet bogus refutation of that treatment . A truthful refutation of the bogus refutation and a bogus refutation of the truthful refutation of the bonus refutation featuring a cameo by Jack the Ripper with tips on grooming you alpaca .

But its still finite jack .
4 Comments
Reading this blog once initiated is compulsory and permanent
Posted:Jan 8, 2013 6:28 pm
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2013 8:30 am
79384 Views
I thought about titling this post "I will blog your bloghole hard until you blog all over my blog" but I decided against it because its not true . You are responsible for your own blogholes people . If there's nothing else I can impart to you in this life it should be that . I also briefly considered the title "40deuce intranational man of public knowledge" . Wouldn't that have been HILARIOUS ?

Sunday morning I was up bright and early for church , as usual , whereupon attempting to take a shower (which I desperately needed glazed with lady ejaculate as I was) I discovered that I had no water service . Now while I have been in a bit of a fiduciary pickle lately I have yet to miss paying any of my bills , including the water utility .

"Fiddle-de-de" I thought to myself "This requires a calm and rational response ."

While I was crafting said response I noticed that my driveway was occupied by what some call a backhoe but it more appropriately known as a rear actor , both of which sound vaguely dirty . This meant that I was trapped - literally , not just in the relationship way that all men feel . Seeing a public works crew tearing up my sidewalk and the end of my driveway I thought to myself "What an interesting turn of events , this bears further investigation ."

Perambulating outside I offered a friendly wave to the most swarthy of the workmen and was heard to remark "Pardon me kind sir , but why pray-tell are you destroying my land ?" which I think is what chief Red Cloud said to Andrew Jackson also .

In response this lively fellow said unto 40deuce "You smell like cunt boy , run along back inside before I beat your ass ."

And verily it was so . Six hours later as mysteriously as they appeared they were gone . Where had they come from ? What was their purpose ? And where had they gone ? All these things fall into the category of things man was not meant to know apparently for when I called the department of public works yesterday they stated they had no records of any work being done in the location of my proximity .

Will my driveway be repaired ? Will my sidewalk get replaced ? Is shingles contagious ? Was Ben Franklin's "A Witch Trial at Mount Holly" satire ? Was the Crimean War real ? Why do all the shows I like get cancelled by FX ? Could Dr. Manhattan really see the future ?

Only time will tell .

In other news I was thinking about all my old fake blog friends that have abandoned me to die (one of which said we were best friends FOREVER) , DD , Fever , Sonic , Princess Champagne Titties , Hot Mocha , etc. In a way its kind of a bummer that I discovered the joys of blogging on this here deviant sexhole for deviant sexhole deviants because there aren't many people as crazy as me who are going to stick around for years just to blog . Most people are either going to meet someone , give up because they aren't having tons of hot sex , or get bored with having tons of hot sex (its easier than you'd think) . Regardless (and irregardless) most people aren't going to stick around that long .

For that matter the women I met back when I used to this site for meeting people for sexie nudie sexie sex times aren't around anymore either .

Point is I'm far to lazy to start blogging anywhere else so my current fake blogfriends have to stay around forever and read my blog and leave comments and occasionally e-mail (AFFmail ?) me . This I command .

In other other news I was in a meeting today and someone very important in the massive multi-national megacorp I work for said this when wasting everyone's time with stupid personal anecdote ;

"So for only $49 dollars more I got free shipping ."

I know everyone feels this way but sometimes I get the distinct impression everyone is stupid but me . Which is wrong because I am also stupid , but you know .
6 Comments

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